Sparks?

Hello there... the angel from my... rainforest?

My enjoyment of research has been partially reignited, probably only temporarily considering my mindset this past 9 months, but it is certainly nice to feel the sparks again 💚.

Despite having minimal sleep, having my physio appointment at 9 am, and then driving out to uni for an hour, today has been quite good. Although, I enjoy my physio appointment, having to race between appointments and things is annoying. 

Someone I am collaborating with came to do a guest lecture today, and I guess seeing and hearing about their passion for rainforests and science is a good thing for me. I went to group lunch afterward, then had a quick meeting with my supervisor and them, and yet to come is dinner with them and a group of mostly professors and one other PhD student. This is A LOT of socialising for me, someone who has not wanted to do any socialising at all for more than a week. I wonder how exhausted I will be tomorrow? 

Anyway, that's it really, just wanted to share that I like trees 🌳. I'll be heading out to the field in a couple of days so I'm going to try and do some desk work now. 

Questioning my path

So I recently just took myself on a solo trip interstate. I very much enjoyed it. This was the first time visiting this city, and the first time travelling somewhere alone and not meeting up with anyone at the other end. I really need to do this more often. I'm not responsible for anyone but myself, I can do what I want for however long I want to. Which for me meant visiting lots of museums and galleries, and spending several hours in the Botanic Gardens! 

It was also great to not have as many loud and intrusive thoughts for a few days. I'm sure they'll pop back up again, but I'm really hoping that they will be a bit quieter, if only for the rest of this month.

Anyway, I've been back for a couple of days now. I had a day of rest yesterday, and a day working from home today because I was too tired to drive anywhere, especially an hour to uni. 

However, now I'm starting to question if I'm even up to a career in academia. I've barely scraped through the past 1.5 years with all of my physical and mental health issues. I haven't even started writing papers or my thesis yet (I don't count methods). 

Perhaps like previous times in my life, after a while of not doing research I will miss it again. Don't get me wrong I really enjoy what I do, it's just the constraints upon me and the battles I fight every single day just to get out of bed or to take a shower are exhausting. I don't know if I can keep doing this long term, something in my life has to change simply so I can function more efficiently. 

What would I do instead? Do more animal work for a while, but I know from experiance that won't be enough to intellectually stimulate me forever. It also won't be able to get me out of the financial situation my family is in. I could also do more casual work at universities, but there's not too much job security in that, there is also a preference to hire internally. I could also go back to making content, but that never really made me much money, and I hate the technological side. 

I have no urge to quit my PhD, I 100% want to finish this. However, I am doubting if I can continue in this line of work afterwards with how I am now. Will I ever be able to swim? :P