Hello depression

Well, I made it to uni today, not until after 12 pm, but I made it. 

On the drive in today I made the realisation that my main problem at the moment is depression. Not so much anxiety, as is often the case, but the depression part of me has flared up again. Hurrah!

I'm currently at my desk, slowly doing some image analysis, but staying focused is quite hard. It's a simple job, just tedious, but I am just feeling sad, my sadness is barely controllable. I'm trying to distract myself by doing my work, that I REALLY need to do, but I'm physically feeling a heaviness in my chest, and when I stop to breathe I can feel the tears beginning to well up inside. I am barely holding it together, and it is an absolute pain. I just want to be able to do my work!

I have a meeting in less than 2 hours to discuss some lab equipment, how thrilling... It's one of the main reasons I'm actually on campus today. But then If I stayed at home I would feel even worse, and I doubt I would even be acknowledging my emotions. At least I'm out of the house, and trying to get some work done, I'm making an effort. The problem is, I'm always making an effort, and it's absolutely exhausting! 

I took some Rizotriptan last night, my constant headache was getting worse, and I thought I should try and knock it out before it got too severe. I think it did the trick. Less pain today, just the normal amount, lol. Yes, I have to laugh, it's a coping mechanism.

Anyway, I've pretty much finished one analysis in this past hour, time for a food break before the meeting I guess. 

Stretching borrowed time

 Oh my goodness, I am so tired. Even after the long weekend I am not yet recovered from my fieldtrip.

I didn't make it to uni yesterday, I was super tired and had a headache. managed to get here today, but I have noticed the increasingly common behaviour that as soon as I park the car I need to sit in it for about half an hour just to get over the drive. I just don't have the spoons to deal with work and socialising.

I mentioned earlier this year, that I was on borrowed time, I am definitely stretching that borrowed time to the very max now. Just two more months, that's all I need to push through. Today I submitted my request for a leave of absence starting in April. The way the system works it will go until almost the end of June. Three months is more than I initially planned and wanted to take off, but considering how broken I feel most of the time, it is probably very much needed.

During that time I plan on trying to rest and recover, see a new migraine specialist, trial at least one new medication, and have a couple of short holidays away. My GP prescribed a new medication to help with my sleep and possibly my migraine, but I am yet to start it as they said it will make me extra sleepy the first few days of taking it. I certainly don't need extra sleepiness right now. I am hoping to somewhat recover a bit more from my field trip and then start taking it at the end of a working week. 

I also still need to go get my blood tests and a CT scan. I was going to get my blood tests this week but then my uterus decided to punish me for not making a baby, so I should probably wait before I get more blood removed from my body, especially considering my current exhaustion. 

On a completely different note, I am already getting excited for Eurovision! I rarely get excited for things, but Eurovision is a constant good thing in my life. I'm semi-following Norway's 'Melodi Grand Prix', Ukraine's 'Vidbir', and Lithuania's 'Eurovizja'. I have never really followed the Eurovision selection process in other countries before, but several artists I follow are competing in the aforementioned contests; Keiino, Melovin, and The Roop, respectively. 

Aw, my partner just sent me the best message regarding my taking leave: "it sucks that it has come to that", the exact acknowledgement that I need 💓

It's over and I'm normal again

My serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin levels are back to normal again. Normal for me that is. Which is likely lower than the "norm". I guess that's why I'm on an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor).

SSRI's stops my blood from absorbing all of the serotonin in my brain, leaving higher levels of the hormone in my brain to help relieve my anxiety and depression. 

I've been on the same meds for around 16 years now. I haven't experimented with the dosage in ages. That was done in the early years. Let's say I am on 2 now. A higher dosage of 3 did not make a difference, but a lower dose of 1 did. Not sure if hanging the dose now would make any difference, or perhaps even trying a different type of medication. Stressors increase with life, they change, but they certainly increase with the added responsibility. I just don't have the time to see a psychiatrist (that has at least a 6 month waiting period). Also, I am hesitant to potentially make things worse whilst I have so much going on. However, when will I have less going on? When I finish my PhD? perhaps, for a short period of time, but I'm sure other factors in my life will change by then. 

I can talk about it with my counsellor and psychologist, even my GP, but only a psychiatrist has the ability to change my meds if needed. The most I can do is slightly increase the dosage of the current medication and monitor myself. I would ideally consult my GP whilst doing so. 

I've been meaning to book an appointment with them for a while, but everything is so busy, and seeing mental health professionals has been prioritised. They know me better, they just cannot prescribe meds. 

My head is hurting again too. Which goes hand in hand with my mood. It is a positive feed back loop, with my head pain amplifying my low mood, and likely my low mood amplifying my head pain. But remember, this is the norm for me, so I just have to get used to it again. 

I am looking forward to seeing the psychologist again in  couple of weeks, since they were a factor in getting me out of my normal slump, I am curious to see if they alone are enough to do so again. This time I am not house sitting so, there is a significant change in my environment. 

As mentioned previously, I am very aware of the thin line existing between me percieving the relationship as more than professional. I think I first became aware of the transferance over a year ago, and have since done my own research into it to better understand it. I have only just started seeing them for myself in the past week. We had one session just the two of us I think early last year, and I did not go back to a one on one session since. I only joined in on a couple of family sessions between then and last week (which was generally fine). So I have had plenty of time to sort through what is going on in my head in regards to them. 

I like to go into most things in life knowing as much as I can, and being prepared. This trait of mine is what likely makes me hesitant about medication trials. Not just for my anxiety and depression, but also migraine. Not knowing how my body will react with different medication, and knowing there are potentially negative side effects and reactions certainly makes me question if the negatives outweigh the potential benefits.

It's strange, because overall I enjoy doing new things, but I guess most of them have little chance of being bad. Chance of being neutral is often there, which does not seem to bother me. 

I am thinking I should finish this up here, as I have not done any work in 1 hour and 15 minutes. Although this did include lunch, bathroom, and making coffee, I know I need to do more work . If I don't do any work, my state of being will lower ecen more and feed into that positive feedback loop I was talking about before.