Exhaustion

I'm so sleepy lately. I've made it into the university campus this week for three days, which is in some ways amazing considering how sleepy I am.

Monday - I had to pull over on the way in because I was my eyes were getting very heavy on the road. 

Tuesday - I was driving to my gym from uni at the end of the day and had a micro sleep on the road, luckily my tire scraping along the gutter was enough to wake me up.

Wednesday (Today) - I tried to get public transport into uni because I'm so tired, and because I have a meeting in the city tonight. I drove down to my local train station, the commuter car park was full, I drove around all the surrounding streets for about 10 minutes, no parking there either. I ended up having to drive all the way into uni again otherwise I wouldn't get here in time to make it to a meeting I want to go to in person. 

The thing is I'm not sleeping any more or less than I have been for ages, I am just overall exhausted. The past few nights I've been getting 7-8 hours of sleep each night, and not even waking up during the early hours for a change. I'm physically breaking again., which leads to increased symptoms of depression and anxiety of course.

The past few days haven't been too bad. Saturday night I had a mini-date with my partner and that went really well. It made me feel really good. The next day I did a wildlife party, and it was great to be with the animals again. I wasn't sleepy on this day, even with all of the driving, it was a good day. 

Anyway, back to today. All the emotional turmoil that has been plaguing me since July last year is resurfacing again. Just when I thought I was getting through it (yet again) it is back. These emotions physically make my chest/heart feel heavy. I should probably get back to journaling more regularly. When I'm having good days I generally don't feel like journaling, I always seem to leave it for when I feel crappy. Maybe that's not the best method.

As for my PhD, I still don't really know what I'm doing, not having met with my supervisor in several weeks probably doesn't help, but parts of me really doesnt want to either. Still working through my image analysis and planning for a field trip next month.  I am really looking forward to having time off. If it ever gets approved...

Fieldtrip pros and cons

I just had my first fieldtrip of the year, and it was fairly eventful.

After two days of travel we got to this pretty cool place we were staying. It had a self composting toilet, that had absolutely no odour! There were other cool things too, but the toilet was definitely a highlight, lol. 

Photo: The toilet and some of the rest of the bathroom.

Now the actual field days maybe not so much of a highlight at times.

Day 1.

• We got the branches I needed to take back to the lab - good
• A dead branch fell on my head - bad

Day 2

• The river was above the causeways, we could still cross safely in the Landcrusier - good
• The rain continued to get heavier so we decided to head back incase the river got higher so in the end we drove out there and did no work this day - bad but we were safe so good
• Sorting through equipment back at the accommodation we found we did not have enough dendrometer bands - bad
• Not being able to do field work gave us the time we needed to the shops to try and repair some of our equipment - good

Photo: One of the causeways.

Day 3

• We were able to get two of out plots done, and finished by 3 pm - good
• We could not drive back as a big tree has fallen on the road while we were in the field - bad
• We had no reception and had to walk for an hour as the rain got heavier - bad
• one car didn't even slow down to see if we were okay as we walked in the rain - bad
• Thankfully some locals stopped and were able to drive us for about 5 minutes, they didn't have a 4WD so couldn't take us too far - good
• We have a good contact who could come and cut up the tree with two chainsaws, and an axe and log splitter that same afternoon - good
• Found a leech friend on my arm - bad

Photos: The tree blocking our road, and the two chainsaws needed to get through the tree.

Day 4

• Collected some more branches to take back to the lab, and picked up the rest of our team - good
• Found a bunch of dried blood in my hairline behind my ear, I obviously has=d another leech the day before - bad

Day 5

• We were able to get 3 plots completed with the whole team together - good
• Heaps more leeches - bad
• Extremely high humidity leading to lots of sweating and me not being able to drink enough to keep up, which lead to painful migraine symptoms - bad
• Had a very knowledgeable local person with us who knew where a clean creek was that we could drink from - good
• A jack-jumper type ant decided to sting me through my trousers - bad

Day 6

• The team headed up to our furthest sites which requited us to cross the state border, thankfully the migraine meds I took the night before reduced the severity of my symptoms and allowed me to drive up for the two hours - good
• Once we got to the sites there was A LOT of mud to drive through, on slopes too, it took us over an hour to get to the sites they would normally be only about 10 min away by car - bad
• Thankfully, the team was able to squeeze into one vehicle and our one experienced 4WDriver could get us and all of our gear up the hill - good
• We still had to get out and push at times though - bad
• Got stung for the first time ever by Dendrocnide excelsa . A small one got me in the knee through my trousers, which meant the invisible hairs were stinging me repeatably as I walked around. There was no way I was going to work with bare legs though. - bad
• Thankfully, this site also has plenty of Alocasia spp.  growing around which can be used to remove the tiny invisible stinging hairs and soothe the pain. - good
• Had an awesome dinner at a coworkers place that night - good

Photo: Muddy beginning of our journey into the National Park, also the border fence between states.

Day 7

• The river was finally low enough that we could cross safely by foot to get to our remaining plots  and finish them - good
• Still plenty of leeches around, mozzies too - bad
• Managed to cut myself deeper than usual with a razor blade whilst working with my plant samples - bad
• Burnt myself on the kettle making tea - bad
• Completed doing my vessel lengths today - good

Day 8

• Since we had completed all of our plot work, we had a little time to do a short walk to some waterfalls today - good
• Accidentally left my seedlings in the sun, and they got pretty toasted - bad
• Went to the lab and downloaded all my data, unfortunately it looks like there was some faulty equipment so I will need to collect more replicates next time - bad

Photo: Protester Falls.

So that was the fieldtrip, the next day was a full day of driving. We did it all in one day since there were three of us to drive back. Very exhausting still.

Overall we got a lot of things done, not as much as we wanted, the high priority things were achieved :) 

Driving all the time

This past week and next few days a very busy and exhausting.

Let's start with last Saturday.

Time to drive 5.5 hrs to my field site. Albeit I love the field and this site is one of my absolute favourite places, the drive is long, and as the only driver it feels longer. It was a bit of  slow start as we had to make a few stops along the way to pick up various things, but we got there in the end. The end was around 9 pm to a cabin in the forest. Strangely I wasn't very cold. We eventually got the car unpacked, the camp unlocked, and the gas fridge started. We had dinner in the town we bought groceries in so at least we had eaten. I had a fair bit of trouble getting to sleep that night though. Which is pretty strange for me when I am at this particular field site. I didn't get to bed until close to midnight, but I remember looking at the time and it was like 3am before I had gone to sleep. I guess there was a lot on my mind. 

- I had a volunteer I barely knew, who is also new to the country, but thankfully has field experience elsewhere in the world. 

- This was the first field trip I was leading in over 3 years. 

- There had just been a death in the family and I was debating whether or not I could make it to the funeral which is at least another 5 hours from my home, and also 5 hours from the field site, not that I could drive straight from the field in a uni vehicle and with my volunteer. 

- I also had a bunch of unhelpful emotional personal life things going through my head that were unrelated and very unhelpful too

Sunday, as usual the first day in the field is always a slow start, but we got done what we needed. However, then it started to rain. We were coming back on a tricky road and the vehicle literally slide sideways like a crab. There was a bit of a drop off the edge too, but thankfully there was a log that helped keep us up. The car wasn't rocking or anything, but we waited out in the rain for help rather than in the car to be safe. The nearest town is between 60-90 mins away and with the rain the guy we called would have to drive a bit slower, so we were out in the rain for almost 2 hours. The guy that came was really good and knew what he was doing and it all went well. Still had a bit of trouble going to sleep but definitely not as bad. I still had a lot of the same stuff on my mind, but I did some 'journaling' too.

Monday, we went out and located my species and replicates to collect later. However, we decided to call the trip early due to the rain. One of the reasons why I scheduled the trip in August was because Winter is the dry season, and I wanted to get hydraulic threshold measurements. Doing these measurements in the rain means my plants are under no water stress and it would be fairly pointless to measure. I brought a bottle of wine up, so we drank that , since it was our last night there. The wine definitely helped me get to sleep. Still did some journaling to try and keep the thoughts at bay. 

Tuesday, we packed up the camp, we collected my samples, so they would be as fresh as possible and we headed off. We made pretty good time, and got back to the uni by 5pm. I was the only driver as my volunteer hasn't got an Australian license yet, so I was pretty happy that I made it back in good time. I put my samples in the cool room and then my partner picked me up and we had yummy Indian food. It was nice to go out to dinner with them and spend time with them, with me being away for a few days and prior to that being sick, we haven't spent much time together lately.

Wednesday, I had a a bit of a sleep in and got to uni by midday. Then worked in the lab setting up my branch samples until about 8pm. If the instruments worked well I would have been able to leave earlier, but I had to restart and replace things a couple of times. By now it had been decided that I was driving my mother and I to where our family funeral was on Thursday, so once I got home I had to unpack from my field trip and pack for a funeral.

Thursday, was another day of driving for me, as Mum can't drive much. But we got up here in decent time still. In time to go to the local shops and grab some food. I used remote desktop to check how my measurements back at the lab were going. I eventually got connected with the motel wifi, but my measurements were going strange. I have taken measurements on this species from my other sites before so I was a bit worried and confused last night. I'm wondering if someone has turned up the air conditioning, and it is too hot in the lab for my species, so their drying out is accelerated. When I got into the lab on Wednesday it was 28 degrees Celsius, which is way to hot for not only my plants, but me too. So i put it back down to 22 deg C, so I could work. I sent an email at midnight to a post doc about my concerns.

Friday, is today. The funeral was today. I've definitely used a whole lot of spoons socialising though. My branches are at least generally consistent with the readings for the night before. So I'm not really thinking about it much for now.

Saturday, tomorrow, I will already be heading back home. This time by myself. 

Sunday, I have a 4 hour job.

Monday, it's back to the uni office again, right? Or the lab, likely. 

Okay, so this isn't a very deep post, but I kind of feel it is important to me just to record the exhausting things I am going through. Driving at least 6 hours 3 times within 5 days, a field trip that didn't go as planned, a death in the family, and still trying to stay mentally sane and do work on my PhD, it quite a lot to go through. I need to acknowledge that. I just wish other people understood how much I go through at times and that's why I may not be as "productive" or "social" or "energetic" as the majority of my colleagues. 

On the plus side of the past week, I've been relatively migraine symptom free :)

I've been journaling and I'm sick

So, I saw the psychologist the other day and they suggested I do some journalling. This I have done, and can I say just over a few days I have noticed the difference in how I am dealing with some of the particular thoughts that were plaguing me. These thoughts I did not feel comfortable posting here, they are my own. They are raw and they are expressed much better when I handwrite rather than type. My blog entries are pretty raw and unedited; however, I tend to write them in a way that is open for anyone to read. My journal entries are not for anyone. 

My journalling is generally written in the style of a letter. If I think back, it always has been. I have not really written down my thoughts though ever since my privacy was breached by someone I was dating at the time. This would have been 13 or 14 years ago now. However, that is another story which I feel no need to further talk about. 

In other news I have a cold. This is the first time I've actually had a virus since I had covid back at Christmas of 2020. I have taken today off to rest, which involves sleeping, and sitting out in the sun in the backyard with my old cat and my turtle listening to music and not doing work. 

This sickness has come at an inconvenient time of course. I have planned a field trip (all approved too), leaving this coming Saturday. Today is Monday. If I rest well and drink plenty of fluids, I should be okay as long as it doesn't develop into anything else that is. In addition to my field trip, I wanted to get my draft CoC (confirmation of candidature) into my supervisors before I go away. Right now, I am really hating writing and what I have is way too short for what it needs to be. 

How I came to see the spoons in my life

Spoon theory is often used by people with chronic illness, whether it be physical or mental. These people are known to be referred to as 'spoonies'. 

I've known about spoon theory since the beginning of covid, however, I at the time I was not able to apply it to my life.  After this past week I totally understand the concept of spoon theory and can 100% apply it to my life right now.

It all started last week. Monday I had a bad migraine in the field and had to stay in the car while the others did work. I was NOT able to function at all! Luckily, I took some Rizatriptan with me and I was able to get back to work the next day. I was really looking forward to the next days we were visiting a National Park I had not yet been to, we were meeting up with some botanists, and I just enjoy being in the field.

I managed to hold myself physically together with only mild headache and related symptoms for the rest of the field trip, however, emotionally I soon reached my limit.

Tuesday night I got the message that one of my cats had escaped and not come home. I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night. I was waking up almost every hour and having to check my phone to see if he had returned home. For Wednesday's fieldwork I was wrecked. With a lack of quality sleep, in addition to my post migraine symptoms, on top of that I was barely holding it together emotionally. Even with my lack of focus I managed to work with the team to get what we needed done by lunch time. After lunch I went into the local university to pack up my lab set up.

On the way to the university, a couple of stops to breathe, and a lot of music helped me to get there. Once I was there I was able to mostly focus on packing up my gear and downloading some data. As soon as I got into the car to leave all the worry and anxiety about my cat was back. I rang my mum and my partner while I had reception to find out what was happening and it was just nice to talk rather than messaging all the time. After those phone calls I sat in the car crying and having a mini breakdown. Once I was done I treated myself with an ice-cream, and went back to the accommodation with my field team. 

Once back in the company of humans, I automatically went back into full mask mode where I appeared to be functional and not showing that I was on the edge. Thankfully, I was messaged by my home crew (mum and my partner) that they found the cat up in a tall tree. They couldn't get him to come down but I could physically feel the relief run through me. I had no more pains in my chest and no more nausea. I got to sleep a little easier that night, even though the cat was still not home safe, as at least I knew he was alive and in the area. I still woke up a couple of times after I got to sleep, and thankfully around 3 am I woke up to a "he's home" message. Afterwards, I did not wake up until the morning. 

By now it was Thursday and time to head back to Sydney, which was 8 - 10 hours drive away. Good thing I got some sleep the previous night! 

Unfortunately, it was just the eye of the storm for my emotional ordeal that week. After a few hours of the journey I get a call from mum about booking in my eldest cat in to see the vet as he was very wobbly on his feet. I try not to make too much of it for the next couple of hours, but I make sure I am not driving when the appointment was so I could hopefully speak to the vet. This particular vet and I communicate quite well. The storm starts again when the vet mentions that it may be the beginning of the end in regards to my precious eldest cat. Pretty much straight after I got off the phone, it was my turn to drive for the next 3 hours. This was probably a good thing as it gave me something to focus on rather than my cat's health. The drive went well, and we parted ways once we got to where I had parked my car. I then headed home for the final part of my journey. 

I get home. I carry a couple of things into the house, leaving my door open and the car light on, thinking I would continue to unpack the car. I went down to see my baby boy and he was not well. He was very wobbly, walking strange, and not interested in the food he was given. I could not leave his side, not even to get my bags in from the car. My partner arrived soon after, and he and my mother unpacked the car, and set up a floor bed in mum's room where my cat sleeps (I can't have him in my bedroom as he does not get on with the other cats, and it is the coldest room in the house). During this time of them helping me with basic things I broke, I completely broke. I could not do this anymore, I was exhausted. I got some sleep that night, but woke regularly to check on my cat. 

The next day my cat was showing signs of improvement. I had increased his medication, I was hand feeding him, and I was keeping him company (which he loves). He was still a bit wobbly but much better than the night before, where he looked like he had almost given up. I was able to separate myself from him for a bit over an hour to get to my remedial massage appointment, at which I was told my body is bad again. I think I then got home and took a nap with him. 

Again, that is not all, it's only Friday still. Day three. So that evening we get a knock on our door, our neighbour that I've known for about 25 years had passed. Not too surprising, he was in his 70's with chronic health problems, but still it was a bit of a shock. As he lived alone his pet bird is now at our house, although we don't really have the room for it, and did I mention the cats? A bunch of other things that were his are also at house that sister gave us, some consumables like food and toilet paper, also some blankets and towels that we are looking at donating to an animal shelter or vets. Back to Friday night, we spent a couple of hours helping his sister organise some things and then again on Saturday. 

Thankfully my cat was still improving so I could do some of the things I had planned and needed to do at university. Late Sataurday afternoon I finally had the chance to head out to the university to attend my live plant samples and set them up in the lab. Fortunately, my partner offered to drive me out to uni and keep me company while I worked. So from about 5.30 pm to 9 pm I worked. I did not get to do everything I needed to but I did what I could. 

Sunday I was dead, I needed to sleep. My cat was improving still which was great, but I still decided to sleep on mums floor to be with him. Mum's partner brought over a small air mattress for me to use, and that has very much helped with the comfort. I think it was around today that the spoon theory clicked with my situation. I had no spoons to deal with anything.

Monday I had prebooked a counselling appointment, just my regular meet up that helps me to function with my crazy life. However, that morning I got a message saying it needed to be rescheduled. Well, there goes that outlet, although I did get to stay in bed with my cat a bit longer that morning. I got to uni around 12.30 pm and did some more lab work. I left around 4.30 pm to get to a reptile society committee meeting that was thankfully in my local area. I had a pub dinner and slept on mums floor again.

Tuesday and Wednesday I got to uni at 2 pm. Both days just in time for a meeting. Then I went back to the lab again. Tuesday was my brothers birthday so we got some take out to have at home. I also messaged my brothers psychologist asking if he had some time for me this week, but unfortunately not. Wednesday, the reptile society was having a book launch so I went to that and helped out a little. Wednesday I survived of a mocha and a few snacks all day. I did not eat anything else when I finally got home, I just went to sleep on mums floor.

We are finally at Thursday, today. I got to uni around 2.30 pm, sat in my car for about an hour eating some lunch I brought from home and playing on my phone. Then I went back to the lab and finished doing some more of my work. I got home around 8 pm, heated up a frozen mac and cheese, and decided it was time to use this outlet to get out some what's been going on with me. 

My next counselling appointment is hopefully next Monday. I have also booked in with my brothers psychologist for the week after. He has seen my whole family before, and the familiarity with our situation I feel is a good reason for me to update him a little bit with what's going on. I have a lot going on that I have mentioned here, but with my life there is always more and I need to talk through it.

I have been tracking my spoons for the past few days with an app. I have come to realise it uses a spoon just for me to get up in the morning, another to get dressed and at least 2 more just to drive out to the university. There are only 12 spoons in a day and one third is used up before I even start working on my PhD. Tracking my spoons has helped me to realised how fragile I actually am right now and is helping me to acknowledge how hard it is for me to do basic things like, get dressed in the morning.

Fieldtrip but not in the field

 It's been a little while since I've posted. That doesn't mean everything is going great or that everything is going horribly, it just means I've been very busy and I haven't had the time of motivation to write here even though it can help me deal with what's going on.

I'm on a field trip right now. It's nice to be out in the field, but for me, this trip also involves going to town to the local university to work in the lab some days. Currently, I've spent more time at a university than out in the rainforest which is not the best for my mental health. When I am away from home, being out in nature is what keeps me sane and happy. At the moment it feels like I am doing the same thing I would be at home, just in a different location and without my usual support network (especially animals). I always miss my animals, but this trip is probably the first field trip where I am noticing how their absence is affecting my demeanour.

Don't get me wrong, it is nice to have a break from the usual stressors of my home life, and it's a lovely little place we are staying in (it has the same number of rooms as my house with the added bonus of a fireplace :)). The people I am on the trip with are also nice, but they are just not the same social therapy that animals provide me. Animals definitely recharge my batteries and help me to keep going, Nothofagus trees are also a good thing to help me keep going. 

Here's an example of how I am responding to the situation I am currently in:

I went to bed at 9.30pm, and I must have become unconscious by 10.30 pm at the latest as I did not see the messages my partner sent around then until this morning. I did not awaken until 8.30 am when someone came and knocked on my door. Albeit I forgot to set my phone alarms and only had my watch alarms (only vibrates), by society's standards should I really be sleeping 10 hours without disturbance straight? My body thinks so, in fact, my body would probably have stayed unconscious for at least another hour. 

So I get up and start to get ready as my trip-mates head off to the lovely rainforest I get to look forward to another day in the lab on a university campus. I enjoy having independence from my trip-mates, but I would rather be out in nature. Then, instead of heading off to uni as soon as possible to get my work done so I can go to the field tomorrow, I start to dawdle and feel really unwell. Not like nausea, just mentally bogged down, on the verge of crying (a rarity for me), with a heavy feeling in my chest, and still quite tired. No one is here, so my automatic mask of being functional is gone and I am left to my own devices. It's almost 10am now, and I will head off soon, but I needed to share how crappy I am feeling right now in the hopes that typing it out will alleviate some of the stress and general 'yuck' feelings I am experiencing.

On a good note, I am relatively headache-free right now, with only a few short attacks yesterday!