Questioning my path

So I recently just took myself on a solo trip interstate. I very much enjoyed it. This was the first time visiting this city, and the first time travelling somewhere alone and not meeting up with anyone at the other end. I really need to do this more often. I'm not responsible for anyone but myself, I can do what I want for however long I want to. Which for me meant visiting lots of museums and galleries, and spending several hours in the Botanic Gardens! 

It was also great to not have as many loud and intrusive thoughts for a few days. I'm sure they'll pop back up again, but I'm really hoping that they will be a bit quieter, if only for the rest of this month.

Anyway, I've been back for a couple of days now. I had a day of rest yesterday, and a day working from home today because I was too tired to drive anywhere, especially an hour to uni. 

However, now I'm starting to question if I'm even up to a career in academia. I've barely scraped through the past 1.5 years with all of my physical and mental health issues. I haven't even started writing papers or my thesis yet (I don't count methods). 

Perhaps like previous times in my life, after a while of not doing research I will miss it again. Don't get me wrong I really enjoy what I do, it's just the constraints upon me and the battles I fight every single day just to get out of bed or to take a shower are exhausting. I don't know if I can keep doing this long term, something in my life has to change simply so I can function more efficiently. 

What would I do instead? Do more animal work for a while, but I know from experiance that won't be enough to intellectually stimulate me forever. It also won't be able to get me out of the financial situation my family is in. I could also do more casual work at universities, but there's not too much job security in that, there is also a preference to hire internally. I could also go back to making content, but that never really made me much money, and I hate the technological side. 

I have no urge to quit my PhD, I 100% want to finish this. However, I am doubting if I can continue in this line of work afterwards with how I am now. Will I ever be able to swim? :P

Unplanned time off

After a great weekend out herping (searching for amphibians and reptiles) I was absolutely exhausted on Monday. I did not end up driving into campus as it would probably not be the safest for me to be driving for an hour or so. I did some image analysis at home, but the access to the remote system wasn't working very well so I couldn't do much from home. I also kept falling asleep at the computer.

Accepting that I need a day of rest after a weekend with humans, driving for several hours by myself, and just doing any activity is still not easy for me. I want to be able to do more still. A weekend doing something for myself (in this case a herping trip with a society) was great for my mental health, but I am still left completely physically broken afterwards. It is so frustrating. I wish doing things for myself actually recharged my batteries rather than also ran them down. But I guess I'm not in the best place as of late and even these things drain me more than I would like. 

My mental health must really be in a state when even the things that make me mentally feel better are wearing me this thin. My physical health is certainly not blameless though. This increased migraine severity in my mid thirties is certainly a real douze. 

Oh but don't worry my dear readers, the struggles of my life do not end there. My mother tested positive for covid last night, and as someone of high risk we were advised to go to the emergency department at hospital. So we ended up at hospital around 1 am. We saw the nurse and the doctor, all looked good so far, but bloods were taken just to check, that would be an hour before we got the results for that. Almost 2 hours later I asked what was happening, and whilst the bloods were normal, they could not dispense the anti-viral medication until 7-7.30 am. We were finally able to leave the hospital around 8 am. Now as messed up as my sleep and body already were this was the final straw. Around 3.30 am at the hospital I emailed my supervisor requesting sick leave. Even if Mum's covid is manageable and I don't contract it from her, there was no way I could see myself being able to work this week.

Anyway we got home had something to eat and I went to bed somewhere between 9 and 10 am. I may have been in bed for about 10 hours but I only got about 7 - 8 hours sleep, I woke up several times and I also had a massive headache (the chairs at hospital probably aided with this). I eventually give up on sleeping and trying to rest in bed and get up, the massive headache continues. I take something for it but only generic painkillers not migraine meds. It's decreased the pain a little bit but I can feel it's all still there, its just been pushed back a little bit for now. 

It's 11 pm now. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm sick of being in bed and asleep, I want to do stuff, anything, but I also need to have some sort of diurnal schedule as I start my group DBT on Thursday and assuming I don't get covid, I need to get to that in person, it starts at 10 am.

So there we have it, between my own mental and physical health problems with the addition of my a family members health and my carer responsibilities, I have decided to take another week off. Although doing an official request is still confusing to me since my candidature time is still being eaten up when I'm on sick leave - I guess it's for record keeping purposes. 

I can't really concentrate on writing anymore.

Here's a little reminder..

Unpaid sabbaticals

I have a lot coming up in the next few months. I've applied for a leave of absence for April-June, no word yet but I am already planning as if it has been accepted. I'm calling it an unpaid sabbatical.

Before then I would like to get in another field trip and start on some new measurements and finish up some of the previous ones. I did some practice runs with two of my species that grow in the Blue Mountains and it looks like I will need to do all of the measurements immediately in the field, and that they will take a few hours! I'm hoping to create some stomatal closure curves, assuming my species don't fuse their stomata shut as soon as I harvest a branch. 

I got Chat GPT to summarise what I'm looking at in layman's terms because I am lazy and forget most people don't know what stomata are:

"A stomatal closure curve is a graph that shows how plant leaf openings, called stomata, respond to changes in water availability. It demonstrates how tightly the stomata close at different levels of water supply. Stomatal conductance, which measures how gases pass through the stomata, decreases as the stomata close in response to lower water availability, reflected in the curve. This curve helps researchers understand how plants regulate water loss through transpiration under varying environmental conditions."

Prior to my break I am also hoping to get to Adelaide to finally see The Dark Room live. I started following Robbotron on Twitch during covid. He and a few other people really helped me and kept me going during that time, and the communities were also great and oh-so wholesome, but not in a sickening way, in a totally awesome way that I could relate to. Here are a few other important communities I was a part of: RandomBritishDude, MitchBruzzese, RustyQuill (specifically Mike and Anil), and an honorable mention to Monkeeeyboi whom I found through RandomBritishDude. If you know these people or clicked on the hyperlinks you may have noticed they are all UK citizens, except for Mitch who is an Aussie. Robbotron is also Aussie, but resides in the UK.  As you might have guessed I was living my best life as a nocturnal during lockdown :)

Anyway, I will also be starting a 10-week DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) program, that will conclude about halfway through my sabbatical. My uni counselor got me on to it and is part of organising it. She has been bringing it up for a little while now, and my psychologist has mentioned it and group therapies a couple of times too. So when she offered me a spot in the program, I pretty much jumped on it. I am a bit nervous of course, group therapy - "what the hell? I hate humans", but I am also excited and hoping it will help me to function better. 

I will not only be taking a sabbatical from my PhD though, but also my psychologist. We discussed it today, it came up naturally and we were both kind of on the same page (or close enough). Since I'm doing this course and will be receiving support from it I should focus on that, and then soon after that ends my psychologist is going overseas for a bit. So essentially we won't see each other for about 6 months. This saddens me as I enjoy talking with them, however, talking to them today it looks like we have been having similar thoughts about things and that a break could benefit us. When we do meet up again we will reassess the situation and see if I will even need their continued support or if the counsellors through uni will be enough. 

So overall these next few months could turn out to be quite interesting and potentially life-changing? It's scary but exciting. I'm just so confused about some things, and unhappy or apathetic about others. I'm really hoping for a bit more clarity on things and to be able to acknowledge and express myself better. Yes, I'm doing this all to better my life, but it could also lead to big challenging changes in my life. These changes are going to affect those around me, and that's what scares me most,  upsetting other people.  

To end on a different note (purposeful pun) recently Sheldon Riley's Eurovison song "Not the same" has really resonated with me and made me feel stronger. I could always somewhat relate, and of course, I love his voice, but only recently has it really gone deep for me. I just love Eurovision so much, I get to discover so many new styles of music and artists and get all the feels! Here is their performance at the Eurovision finals, enjoy!

Gym and bureaucracy

It's been 5 weeks! I finally got back to gym last night. The past 5 weeks I've either been away, sick, or cramping. Finally I was able to get back to Body Balance last night. I forgot what a buzz I can get after going to the gym. More often than not, it is definitely a mood booster for me. I even woke up with my abs hurting a little bit :) Which means I was exercising right :) Hehe. 

I'm finally back at uni today. Albeit, I didn't get in until like 12:30, at least I got here right? I've been working in the lab today, downloading lots of data and packing up my branches I had set up for measurements the past week. I got into the lab and it was 28 degrees Celsius again, I swear the people here must be trying to kill me. I set it back down to 22 deg C, but with in an hour or so it reverted to 28 deg C again. I think I've changed it so it will revert back to 22 deg C if it is changed temporarily. Why would someone set it to 28 deg C to begin with? No where in the world is that comfortable indoor working conditions. No wonder my branches dried up so fast! If it changes back again any time soon, I am going to have to complain to someone. I have no idea who, everything at my current uni is assumed knowledge and most of what I have found out I have had to learn either via making mistakes or asking people several times directly. 

This university is very laid back in some ways, which is kind of nice, but it definitely needs more structure for me. But then on the other hand to get any form of approval for expenses or field trips you have to submit the same forms at least two times to different offices/people for approval. Why must I complete the same paperwork twice? It is so inefficient. Whilst at my previous university it was harder to get permission because of risk assessments, and they even failed to enroll me properly once, it was much more organised and straight forward. I would know what else I needed to do to get approval. Where I am currently, I ask the finance team what approval I need and they don't tell me. Instead the next week I get another email asking me why I haven't got approval, and I have to ask them again what the second approval is that I need. 

Let's get back to a happier topic - gym! Hopefully, I can get back into the habit of regularly going again. I would love to be able to go 3-4 times a week, but let's aim for once a week for now. Some time in the past few weeks I even looked up doing some capoeira classes, however, there were no beginner adult classes anywhere near my home or my work place. Perhaps I should try and pick up Body Combat or Body Pump to get my heart rate up some more. Again, they will be additional classes to my Body Balance that I need to get back into doing first. At least with Body Balance I generally do get severe migraine symptoms afterwards. That's one of the reasons I quit Body Combat, which I really enjoyed. Perhaps now I am seeing a physio and remedial masseuse regularly it won't be as bad?

Speaking of migraine, thankfully my symptoms have not been that bad lately. I have had some mild headaches and neck pain, but, considering the amount of stress and driving I have been doing it has been quite the miracle! Sunday evening my brain was pretty foggy after work, I think everything from the previous 2 weeks of non-stop doing things and a family death had finally caught up to me, but again no severe migraine which was great :)

Monday night I even fell asleep on the 2-seater couch that is definately too short to lay straight on. I passed out around 8 pm and didn't get up again until past 8 am. I woke up a few times but I just rotated and went back to sleep, I was way too exhausted to get up and go to bed even. I did notice my lower back aching a bit, but once I got up it appeared to improve. Again, despite not even having a proper pillow, I had no migraine symptoms the next day! I did decide to work at home another day though.

Well, I better wrap things up for now and try and do some more work whilst my data is downloading still. This is why I am currently on two laptops, so I can actually do something. 

Ta Ta For Now.

How I came to see the spoons in my life

Spoon theory is often used by people with chronic illness, whether it be physical or mental. These people are known to be referred to as 'spoonies'. 

I've known about spoon theory since the beginning of covid, however, I at the time I was not able to apply it to my life.  After this past week I totally understand the concept of spoon theory and can 100% apply it to my life right now.

It all started last week. Monday I had a bad migraine in the field and had to stay in the car while the others did work. I was NOT able to function at all! Luckily, I took some Rizatriptan with me and I was able to get back to work the next day. I was really looking forward to the next days we were visiting a National Park I had not yet been to, we were meeting up with some botanists, and I just enjoy being in the field.

I managed to hold myself physically together with only mild headache and related symptoms for the rest of the field trip, however, emotionally I soon reached my limit.

Tuesday night I got the message that one of my cats had escaped and not come home. I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night. I was waking up almost every hour and having to check my phone to see if he had returned home. For Wednesday's fieldwork I was wrecked. With a lack of quality sleep, in addition to my post migraine symptoms, on top of that I was barely holding it together emotionally. Even with my lack of focus I managed to work with the team to get what we needed done by lunch time. After lunch I went into the local university to pack up my lab set up.

On the way to the university, a couple of stops to breathe, and a lot of music helped me to get there. Once I was there I was able to mostly focus on packing up my gear and downloading some data. As soon as I got into the car to leave all the worry and anxiety about my cat was back. I rang my mum and my partner while I had reception to find out what was happening and it was just nice to talk rather than messaging all the time. After those phone calls I sat in the car crying and having a mini breakdown. Once I was done I treated myself with an ice-cream, and went back to the accommodation with my field team. 

Once back in the company of humans, I automatically went back into full mask mode where I appeared to be functional and not showing that I was on the edge. Thankfully, I was messaged by my home crew (mum and my partner) that they found the cat up in a tall tree. They couldn't get him to come down but I could physically feel the relief run through me. I had no more pains in my chest and no more nausea. I got to sleep a little easier that night, even though the cat was still not home safe, as at least I knew he was alive and in the area. I still woke up a couple of times after I got to sleep, and thankfully around 3 am I woke up to a "he's home" message. Afterwards, I did not wake up until the morning. 

By now it was Thursday and time to head back to Sydney, which was 8 - 10 hours drive away. Good thing I got some sleep the previous night! 

Unfortunately, it was just the eye of the storm for my emotional ordeal that week. After a few hours of the journey I get a call from mum about booking in my eldest cat in to see the vet as he was very wobbly on his feet. I try not to make too much of it for the next couple of hours, but I make sure I am not driving when the appointment was so I could hopefully speak to the vet. This particular vet and I communicate quite well. The storm starts again when the vet mentions that it may be the beginning of the end in regards to my precious eldest cat. Pretty much straight after I got off the phone, it was my turn to drive for the next 3 hours. This was probably a good thing as it gave me something to focus on rather than my cat's health. The drive went well, and we parted ways once we got to where I had parked my car. I then headed home for the final part of my journey. 

I get home. I carry a couple of things into the house, leaving my door open and the car light on, thinking I would continue to unpack the car. I went down to see my baby boy and he was not well. He was very wobbly, walking strange, and not interested in the food he was given. I could not leave his side, not even to get my bags in from the car. My partner arrived soon after, and he and my mother unpacked the car, and set up a floor bed in mum's room where my cat sleeps (I can't have him in my bedroom as he does not get on with the other cats, and it is the coldest room in the house). During this time of them helping me with basic things I broke, I completely broke. I could not do this anymore, I was exhausted. I got some sleep that night, but woke regularly to check on my cat. 

The next day my cat was showing signs of improvement. I had increased his medication, I was hand feeding him, and I was keeping him company (which he loves). He was still a bit wobbly but much better than the night before, where he looked like he had almost given up. I was able to separate myself from him for a bit over an hour to get to my remedial massage appointment, at which I was told my body is bad again. I think I then got home and took a nap with him. 

Again, that is not all, it's only Friday still. Day three. So that evening we get a knock on our door, our neighbour that I've known for about 25 years had passed. Not too surprising, he was in his 70's with chronic health problems, but still it was a bit of a shock. As he lived alone his pet bird is now at our house, although we don't really have the room for it, and did I mention the cats? A bunch of other things that were his are also at house that sister gave us, some consumables like food and toilet paper, also some blankets and towels that we are looking at donating to an animal shelter or vets. Back to Friday night, we spent a couple of hours helping his sister organise some things and then again on Saturday. 

Thankfully my cat was still improving so I could do some of the things I had planned and needed to do at university. Late Sataurday afternoon I finally had the chance to head out to the university to attend my live plant samples and set them up in the lab. Fortunately, my partner offered to drive me out to uni and keep me company while I worked. So from about 5.30 pm to 9 pm I worked. I did not get to do everything I needed to but I did what I could. 

Sunday I was dead, I needed to sleep. My cat was improving still which was great, but I still decided to sleep on mums floor to be with him. Mum's partner brought over a small air mattress for me to use, and that has very much helped with the comfort. I think it was around today that the spoon theory clicked with my situation. I had no spoons to deal with anything.

Monday I had prebooked a counselling appointment, just my regular meet up that helps me to function with my crazy life. However, that morning I got a message saying it needed to be rescheduled. Well, there goes that outlet, although I did get to stay in bed with my cat a bit longer that morning. I got to uni around 12.30 pm and did some more lab work. I left around 4.30 pm to get to a reptile society committee meeting that was thankfully in my local area. I had a pub dinner and slept on mums floor again.

Tuesday and Wednesday I got to uni at 2 pm. Both days just in time for a meeting. Then I went back to the lab again. Tuesday was my brothers birthday so we got some take out to have at home. I also messaged my brothers psychologist asking if he had some time for me this week, but unfortunately not. Wednesday, the reptile society was having a book launch so I went to that and helped out a little. Wednesday I survived of a mocha and a few snacks all day. I did not eat anything else when I finally got home, I just went to sleep on mums floor.

We are finally at Thursday, today. I got to uni around 2.30 pm, sat in my car for about an hour eating some lunch I brought from home and playing on my phone. Then I went back to the lab and finished doing some more of my work. I got home around 8 pm, heated up a frozen mac and cheese, and decided it was time to use this outlet to get out some what's been going on with me. 

My next counselling appointment is hopefully next Monday. I have also booked in with my brothers psychologist for the week after. He has seen my whole family before, and the familiarity with our situation I feel is a good reason for me to update him a little bit with what's going on. I have a lot going on that I have mentioned here, but with my life there is always more and I need to talk through it.

I have been tracking my spoons for the past few days with an app. I have come to realise it uses a spoon just for me to get up in the morning, another to get dressed and at least 2 more just to drive out to the university. There are only 12 spoons in a day and one third is used up before I even start working on my PhD. Tracking my spoons has helped me to realised how fragile I actually am right now and is helping me to acknowledge how hard it is for me to do basic things like, get dressed in the morning.

The financial cost of education

It's June now. Which means my university debt (HELP or HECS) just went up because of indexation.

Here is what indexation is:

"There is no interest charged on HELP debts.

However, indexation is added to your debt on 1 June each year.

Indexation is applied to your debt to maintain its real value by adjusting it in line with changes in the cost of living."

- Study Assist - Loan Indexation

This happens every year, however, this year the rate of increase was 7.1%. This is the highest it has ever been over the past 10 years. 

See: ATO Indexation Rates

Having done an undergraduate degree and a postgraduate degree my debt is obviously going to be higher than the majority of the population that only does an undergraduate degree and then finds a job. 

As much as I would love a free education like back in Whitlam's (1970's and 1980's) or like it is in some Scandinavian countries, I can accept that there are costs to getting an education and I am thankful that as an Australian citizen from a low socioeconomic background I am still able to go to university by getting a loan from the government. 

I can also accept to some degree that the longer it takes to pay off a loan the more it goes up. However, the amount it goes up by, specifically this year is quite ridiculous. 

Another thing I find unacceptable is when it is obligatory to make repayments. Currently you must start making repayments when you earn approximately only $5000* more than the minimum annual wage in Australia. To be fair, the less you earn the less percentage you have to pay off and vice versa, but I believe the minimum repayment income should be raised so people actually have a chance of not just getting out of debt, but also so they have a chance to invest in their future.

*This figure is APPROXIMATE

As a PhD student I earn below the minimum wage, despite being expected to work full-time hours, so I am currently not required to make payments to my loan. However, this year I made my first voluntary repayment. Not that it will reduce my debt, but rather keep it as it is.

**Yesterday my debt was 'y', I made a payment so my debt was 'x'. Today, after indexation is applied my new debt will be 'y' again. I can't afford to make a massive repayment, even the payment I did make is taking it straight out of my very limited savings. But if I did not make this repayment my debt would have increased to 'z'. 

**Where 'x' is the lower amount, followed by 'y', and 'z' is the highest amount.

I was debating with myself whether to make a repayment at all. Especially considering due to my disabilities and my carer responsibilities I may never earn enough to have to pay off my debt. However, I decided to be hopeful that one day I will be earning above the minimum wage and may even be in a position to apply for a home loan (with my partner, as a single income is rarely enough to buy any property these days). If I let my debt increase, I would not just have more to pay back in the future, but it would also affect any borrowing power I/we might have. 

Fingers crossed I made the best decision - that is being less well off now to be better off in the future.

Another day, another migraine

Today I woke up with a migraine. 

What a migraine is for me includes the following symptoms:
- light sensitivity
- pain behind my left eye
- pain in my jaw, mostly left side
- pain throughout my head, mostly on the left side
- the desire to insert objects into my skull in an attempt to relieve the pressure in my head
- tiredness (but this is almost a constant in my life)
- differing levels of nausea (not always, but yes for today) 

I am currently at the beginning of Day 4 of 5 of an R course. Reflecting over my life there is definitely some correlation between the two, but what evidence is there to support that this R course is the causation of this migraine?

- R is computer software, therefore I have been sitting at a desk on a computer for several days straight (Sedentary +, Posture -)
- I am not technologically inclined. Statistics and programming is a steep and stressful learning curve (Anxiety +)
- I need time in nature to replenish my energy. Doing this course means I have only had one break a day to go outside. (Anxiety +, Tiredness +)
- There was a public holiday this week, therefore my usual yoga class was canceled (Sedentary +)
- The public holiday also meant the uni was closed, but I still had to come into campus where the kitchens were locked so I could not heat up my food in the usual place,  I could not drive into campus through the usual gate. These things added time to finding a way in/out of campus and looking for a kitchen could get into (Anxiety +)
- I am in a room full of humans all day every day, regardless of what I am doing this situation drains my energy superfast, likely increased by my autism (Anxiety +, Tiredness +)
- The desk space I have here does not allow me to see the projected screen while facing my own screen face on, this leads to constantly having to correct my posture once I realise I am twisting (Posture -)

Anxiety and tiredness, a sedentary lifestyle, and bad posture are common contributing factors that can lead to migraines. 

Taking into account the usual weekly problems I face, the addition of this extra anxiety and tiredness, as well as the increased sedentary lifestyle and bad posture, it would be fair to conclude that my participation in this R course contributes a large part to the onset of my current migraine.

Why start Academia against the odds?

Hello world, I am a first-year PhD student looking into rainforest ecology. 

I often find myself questioning why I am doing my PhD. Some might say this it is normal to question what you are doing, list the pros and cons of continuing and make a decision. However, I question myself on a daily basis, sometimes several times a day. I feel as if this is a little bit more often than usual.

I am constantly reminded that I face many challenges in my career, especially going into academia.

- I come from a low socioeconomic background,

- I am the first in my family to complete any university degree, 

- I get regular migraines,

- I am a partial carer for disabled adults in my family, 

- I am diagnosed as being on the Autism spectrum, 

- I have Generalized anxiety disorder, 

- I am known to get depression, 

- and there is ADHD in my family, so I likely have some of these traits as well.

Despite all of this I also know that these challenges won't go away and my questioning of what I'm doing will remain regardless of what I am actually doing.

I am starting this blog as a way to acknowledge and recognise what is going on inside my head, and to help me work through, what I will likely refer to as 'my madness' in future posts. 

I used to blog as a teenager and in my early 20's and found it helped me to process things and to stop bottling it up inside. 

So here's to my early-mid 30's self-help blog?