Exhaustion

I'm so sleepy lately. I've made it into the university campus this week for three days, which is in some ways amazing considering how sleepy I am.

Monday - I had to pull over on the way in because I was my eyes were getting very heavy on the road. 

Tuesday - I was driving to my gym from uni at the end of the day and had a micro sleep on the road, luckily my tire scraping along the gutter was enough to wake me up.

Wednesday (Today) - I tried to get public transport into uni because I'm so tired, and because I have a meeting in the city tonight. I drove down to my local train station, the commuter car park was full, I drove around all the surrounding streets for about 10 minutes, no parking there either. I ended up having to drive all the way into uni again otherwise I wouldn't get here in time to make it to a meeting I want to go to in person. 

The thing is I'm not sleeping any more or less than I have been for ages, I am just overall exhausted. The past few nights I've been getting 7-8 hours of sleep each night, and not even waking up during the early hours for a change. I'm physically breaking again., which leads to increased symptoms of depression and anxiety of course.

The past few days haven't been too bad. Saturday night I had a mini-date with my partner and that went really well. It made me feel really good. The next day I did a wildlife party, and it was great to be with the animals again. I wasn't sleepy on this day, even with all of the driving, it was a good day. 

Anyway, back to today. All the emotional turmoil that has been plaguing me since July last year is resurfacing again. Just when I thought I was getting through it (yet again) it is back. These emotions physically make my chest/heart feel heavy. I should probably get back to journaling more regularly. When I'm having good days I generally don't feel like journaling, I always seem to leave it for when I feel crappy. Maybe that's not the best method.

As for my PhD, I still don't really know what I'm doing, not having met with my supervisor in several weeks probably doesn't help, but parts of me really doesnt want to either. Still working through my image analysis and planning for a field trip next month.  I am really looking forward to having time off. If it ever gets approved...

Still alive, barely

Well, it's certainly been, what's the current saying "a hot minute"? since I last wrote here.

Things mentally and physically have been going downhill since June last year. 

I took a week or two off from uni in October, which was nice and kept me going for the rest of the year. However, it lasted only a short time and by the beginning of December, I was pretty burnt out again. 

Christmas was pretty awful. It was nice to have time off uni, but I've been looking forward to Christmas less and less every year for a while now. This year just reinforced that. I was very much exhausted, had no social battery left, and got pretty bad migraine symptoms on Christmas day itself. 

Migraine for me has been getting more frequent and more intense this past 7-12 months. I rarely ever got nausea, but now it's a regular symptom. I have found if I allow myself to vomit it does relieve some of the pain for a while though. 

I'm still seeing my physiotherapist or remedial masseuse almost weekly, however, that no longer seems to be enough to manage my pain anymore. I have read online that migraines do get more severe in your thirties, so I'm guessing my age might have something to do with it, and of course the increasing physical and mental exertion of doing a PhD.

A bit more on the emotional/mental health side of things, I've been going through a lot of 'self-discovery' for lack of a better term since June last year. I've been seeing a psychologist on top of the counselor at uni. The counselor at uni is great for the surface problems, but the psychologist makes me think and feel deeper about things, that I have ignored and disregarded about myself. 

There's certainly been some unexpected insights from seeing this particular psychologist, it's been a weird and at times challenging ride so far - as I'm sure I've touched upon in previous posts. I think we're getting to a place where I'm willing to address some things that I wasn't before. I know I'm running the risk of getting hurt by doing this (for several reasons), however, I'm almost ready to take that step of 'faith' so to speak. There are still a few things I am unsure about, that I feel I should address with the psychologist during our next meeting, but whether I do or do not at the time is another challenge in itself. 

I am looking into taking 4-8 weeks off from my PhD around this April. I just can't keep doing this. My sleep is ineffective, I have pains in my body almost constantly, and on top of my usual mental health battles and these new challenges arising, I'm constantly running on empty. I'm hoping to book in to see a neurologist, let's hope the waiting lists are not too long!

Work-wise I think my PhD is going okay, I spoke with my main supervisor yesterday and mentioned I might need a break and they were fine with that. I do have a field trip starting this Saturday. This field trip is to the same place I went to last June when everything started to unravel for me, so I am a bit fearful of how I will cope, especially given my decreasing overall health. 

I did have almost 48 hours of reprieve recently. A combination of finally doing Body Combat again (one of the best therapies out there for me), taking myself on a short solo walk, and having some deep conversations with my pairbond, resulted in me feeling good, capable, and less broken. So this time 3 days of work on myself led to almost 2 days of good health. I knew I was on borrowed time though, and I could sense when it was coming to an end. 

This field trip is very important though, and as usual, I will power through to benefit my research, even if it comes at a cost to myself. Like I did after doing Body Combat last week where I knew that my migraine symptoms would be triggered, I could even feel it starting during the class but kept going. I wasn't completely idiotic about it, after the class, I took a long bath with magnesium salts, I did not drink any alcohol, and I took my rizatriptan before I went to sleep. I didn't expect these actions to work so well, I still experienced excessive tiredness and pain, but nowhere to the extent I have in the past. I could actually get out of bed and go for a walk later that day. I am hoping I can manage this field trip's physical pains similarly, but I'm still uncertain about how I will go emotionally.

How I came to see the spoons in my life

Spoon theory is often used by people with chronic illness, whether it be physical or mental. These people are known to be referred to as 'spoonies'. 

I've known about spoon theory since the beginning of covid, however, I at the time I was not able to apply it to my life.  After this past week I totally understand the concept of spoon theory and can 100% apply it to my life right now.

It all started last week. Monday I had a bad migraine in the field and had to stay in the car while the others did work. I was NOT able to function at all! Luckily, I took some Rizatriptan with me and I was able to get back to work the next day. I was really looking forward to the next days we were visiting a National Park I had not yet been to, we were meeting up with some botanists, and I just enjoy being in the field.

I managed to hold myself physically together with only mild headache and related symptoms for the rest of the field trip, however, emotionally I soon reached my limit.

Tuesday night I got the message that one of my cats had escaped and not come home. I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night. I was waking up almost every hour and having to check my phone to see if he had returned home. For Wednesday's fieldwork I was wrecked. With a lack of quality sleep, in addition to my post migraine symptoms, on top of that I was barely holding it together emotionally. Even with my lack of focus I managed to work with the team to get what we needed done by lunch time. After lunch I went into the local university to pack up my lab set up.

On the way to the university, a couple of stops to breathe, and a lot of music helped me to get there. Once I was there I was able to mostly focus on packing up my gear and downloading some data. As soon as I got into the car to leave all the worry and anxiety about my cat was back. I rang my mum and my partner while I had reception to find out what was happening and it was just nice to talk rather than messaging all the time. After those phone calls I sat in the car crying and having a mini breakdown. Once I was done I treated myself with an ice-cream, and went back to the accommodation with my field team. 

Once back in the company of humans, I automatically went back into full mask mode where I appeared to be functional and not showing that I was on the edge. Thankfully, I was messaged by my home crew (mum and my partner) that they found the cat up in a tall tree. They couldn't get him to come down but I could physically feel the relief run through me. I had no more pains in my chest and no more nausea. I got to sleep a little easier that night, even though the cat was still not home safe, as at least I knew he was alive and in the area. I still woke up a couple of times after I got to sleep, and thankfully around 3 am I woke up to a "he's home" message. Afterwards, I did not wake up until the morning. 

By now it was Thursday and time to head back to Sydney, which was 8 - 10 hours drive away. Good thing I got some sleep the previous night! 

Unfortunately, it was just the eye of the storm for my emotional ordeal that week. After a few hours of the journey I get a call from mum about booking in my eldest cat in to see the vet as he was very wobbly on his feet. I try not to make too much of it for the next couple of hours, but I make sure I am not driving when the appointment was so I could hopefully speak to the vet. This particular vet and I communicate quite well. The storm starts again when the vet mentions that it may be the beginning of the end in regards to my precious eldest cat. Pretty much straight after I got off the phone, it was my turn to drive for the next 3 hours. This was probably a good thing as it gave me something to focus on rather than my cat's health. The drive went well, and we parted ways once we got to where I had parked my car. I then headed home for the final part of my journey. 

I get home. I carry a couple of things into the house, leaving my door open and the car light on, thinking I would continue to unpack the car. I went down to see my baby boy and he was not well. He was very wobbly, walking strange, and not interested in the food he was given. I could not leave his side, not even to get my bags in from the car. My partner arrived soon after, and he and my mother unpacked the car, and set up a floor bed in mum's room where my cat sleeps (I can't have him in my bedroom as he does not get on with the other cats, and it is the coldest room in the house). During this time of them helping me with basic things I broke, I completely broke. I could not do this anymore, I was exhausted. I got some sleep that night, but woke regularly to check on my cat. 

The next day my cat was showing signs of improvement. I had increased his medication, I was hand feeding him, and I was keeping him company (which he loves). He was still a bit wobbly but much better than the night before, where he looked like he had almost given up. I was able to separate myself from him for a bit over an hour to get to my remedial massage appointment, at which I was told my body is bad again. I think I then got home and took a nap with him. 

Again, that is not all, it's only Friday still. Day three. So that evening we get a knock on our door, our neighbour that I've known for about 25 years had passed. Not too surprising, he was in his 70's with chronic health problems, but still it was a bit of a shock. As he lived alone his pet bird is now at our house, although we don't really have the room for it, and did I mention the cats? A bunch of other things that were his are also at house that sister gave us, some consumables like food and toilet paper, also some blankets and towels that we are looking at donating to an animal shelter or vets. Back to Friday night, we spent a couple of hours helping his sister organise some things and then again on Saturday. 

Thankfully my cat was still improving so I could do some of the things I had planned and needed to do at university. Late Sataurday afternoon I finally had the chance to head out to the university to attend my live plant samples and set them up in the lab. Fortunately, my partner offered to drive me out to uni and keep me company while I worked. So from about 5.30 pm to 9 pm I worked. I did not get to do everything I needed to but I did what I could. 

Sunday I was dead, I needed to sleep. My cat was improving still which was great, but I still decided to sleep on mums floor to be with him. Mum's partner brought over a small air mattress for me to use, and that has very much helped with the comfort. I think it was around today that the spoon theory clicked with my situation. I had no spoons to deal with anything.

Monday I had prebooked a counselling appointment, just my regular meet up that helps me to function with my crazy life. However, that morning I got a message saying it needed to be rescheduled. Well, there goes that outlet, although I did get to stay in bed with my cat a bit longer that morning. I got to uni around 12.30 pm and did some more lab work. I left around 4.30 pm to get to a reptile society committee meeting that was thankfully in my local area. I had a pub dinner and slept on mums floor again.

Tuesday and Wednesday I got to uni at 2 pm. Both days just in time for a meeting. Then I went back to the lab again. Tuesday was my brothers birthday so we got some take out to have at home. I also messaged my brothers psychologist asking if he had some time for me this week, but unfortunately not. Wednesday, the reptile society was having a book launch so I went to that and helped out a little. Wednesday I survived of a mocha and a few snacks all day. I did not eat anything else when I finally got home, I just went to sleep on mums floor.

We are finally at Thursday, today. I got to uni around 2.30 pm, sat in my car for about an hour eating some lunch I brought from home and playing on my phone. Then I went back to the lab and finished doing some more of my work. I got home around 8 pm, heated up a frozen mac and cheese, and decided it was time to use this outlet to get out some what's been going on with me. 

My next counselling appointment is hopefully next Monday. I have also booked in with my brothers psychologist for the week after. He has seen my whole family before, and the familiarity with our situation I feel is a good reason for me to update him a little bit with what's going on. I have a lot going on that I have mentioned here, but with my life there is always more and I need to talk through it.

I have been tracking my spoons for the past few days with an app. I have come to realise it uses a spoon just for me to get up in the morning, another to get dressed and at least 2 more just to drive out to the university. There are only 12 spoons in a day and one third is used up before I even start working on my PhD. Tracking my spoons has helped me to realised how fragile I actually am right now and is helping me to acknowledge how hard it is for me to do basic things like, get dressed in the morning.

Fieldtrip but not in the field

 It's been a little while since I've posted. That doesn't mean everything is going great or that everything is going horribly, it just means I've been very busy and I haven't had the time of motivation to write here even though it can help me deal with what's going on.

I'm on a field trip right now. It's nice to be out in the field, but for me, this trip also involves going to town to the local university to work in the lab some days. Currently, I've spent more time at a university than out in the rainforest which is not the best for my mental health. When I am away from home, being out in nature is what keeps me sane and happy. At the moment it feels like I am doing the same thing I would be at home, just in a different location and without my usual support network (especially animals). I always miss my animals, but this trip is probably the first field trip where I am noticing how their absence is affecting my demeanour.

Don't get me wrong, it is nice to have a break from the usual stressors of my home life, and it's a lovely little place we are staying in (it has the same number of rooms as my house with the added bonus of a fireplace :)). The people I am on the trip with are also nice, but they are just not the same social therapy that animals provide me. Animals definitely recharge my batteries and help me to keep going, Nothofagus trees are also a good thing to help me keep going. 

Here's an example of how I am responding to the situation I am currently in:

I went to bed at 9.30pm, and I must have become unconscious by 10.30 pm at the latest as I did not see the messages my partner sent around then until this morning. I did not awaken until 8.30 am when someone came and knocked on my door. Albeit I forgot to set my phone alarms and only had my watch alarms (only vibrates), by society's standards should I really be sleeping 10 hours without disturbance straight? My body thinks so, in fact, my body would probably have stayed unconscious for at least another hour. 

So I get up and start to get ready as my trip-mates head off to the lovely rainforest I get to look forward to another day in the lab on a university campus. I enjoy having independence from my trip-mates, but I would rather be out in nature. Then, instead of heading off to uni as soon as possible to get my work done so I can go to the field tomorrow, I start to dawdle and feel really unwell. Not like nausea, just mentally bogged down, on the verge of crying (a rarity for me), with a heavy feeling in my chest, and still quite tired. No one is here, so my automatic mask of being functional is gone and I am left to my own devices. It's almost 10am now, and I will head off soon, but I needed to share how crappy I am feeling right now in the hopes that typing it out will alleviate some of the stress and general 'yuck' feelings I am experiencing.

On a good note, I am relatively headache-free right now, with only a few short attacks yesterday!