Still alive, barely

Well, it's certainly been, what's the current saying "a hot minute"? since I last wrote here.

Things mentally and physically have been going downhill since June last year. 

I took a week or two off from uni in October, which was nice and kept me going for the rest of the year. However, it lasted only a short time and by the beginning of December, I was pretty burnt out again. 

Christmas was pretty awful. It was nice to have time off uni, but I've been looking forward to Christmas less and less every year for a while now. This year just reinforced that. I was very much exhausted, had no social battery left, and got pretty bad migraine symptoms on Christmas day itself. 

Migraine for me has been getting more frequent and more intense this past 7-12 months. I rarely ever got nausea, but now it's a regular symptom. I have found if I allow myself to vomit it does relieve some of the pain for a while though. 

I'm still seeing my physiotherapist or remedial masseuse almost weekly, however, that no longer seems to be enough to manage my pain anymore. I have read online that migraines do get more severe in your thirties, so I'm guessing my age might have something to do with it, and of course the increasing physical and mental exertion of doing a PhD.

A bit more on the emotional/mental health side of things, I've been going through a lot of 'self-discovery' for lack of a better term since June last year. I've been seeing a psychologist on top of the counselor at uni. The counselor at uni is great for the surface problems, but the psychologist makes me think and feel deeper about things, that I have ignored and disregarded about myself. 

There's certainly been some unexpected insights from seeing this particular psychologist, it's been a weird and at times challenging ride so far - as I'm sure I've touched upon in previous posts. I think we're getting to a place where I'm willing to address some things that I wasn't before. I know I'm running the risk of getting hurt by doing this (for several reasons), however, I'm almost ready to take that step of 'faith' so to speak. There are still a few things I am unsure about, that I feel I should address with the psychologist during our next meeting, but whether I do or do not at the time is another challenge in itself. 

I am looking into taking 4-8 weeks off from my PhD around this April. I just can't keep doing this. My sleep is ineffective, I have pains in my body almost constantly, and on top of my usual mental health battles and these new challenges arising, I'm constantly running on empty. I'm hoping to book in to see a neurologist, let's hope the waiting lists are not too long!

Work-wise I think my PhD is going okay, I spoke with my main supervisor yesterday and mentioned I might need a break and they were fine with that. I do have a field trip starting this Saturday. This field trip is to the same place I went to last June when everything started to unravel for me, so I am a bit fearful of how I will cope, especially given my decreasing overall health. 

I did have almost 48 hours of reprieve recently. A combination of finally doing Body Combat again (one of the best therapies out there for me), taking myself on a short solo walk, and having some deep conversations with my pairbond, resulted in me feeling good, capable, and less broken. So this time 3 days of work on myself led to almost 2 days of good health. I knew I was on borrowed time though, and I could sense when it was coming to an end. 

This field trip is very important though, and as usual, I will power through to benefit my research, even if it comes at a cost to myself. Like I did after doing Body Combat last week where I knew that my migraine symptoms would be triggered, I could even feel it starting during the class but kept going. I wasn't completely idiotic about it, after the class, I took a long bath with magnesium salts, I did not drink any alcohol, and I took my rizatriptan before I went to sleep. I didn't expect these actions to work so well, I still experienced excessive tiredness and pain, but nowhere to the extent I have in the past. I could actually get out of bed and go for a walk later that day. I am hoping I can manage this field trip's physical pains similarly, but I'm still uncertain about how I will go emotionally.

Another hit? and some reflection

Well, I've just had another hit of the feel-good hormones in my brain... It's interesting how just having a conversation can do that sometimes. This time it has left a bit of a different impression on me though. 

Not quite as Spongebob-by, but still nice.

It will be interesting to see how long this hit lasts and whether it has the same effects. The previous, let's call it 'happy hit' for now, was quite noticeable for about a week, but it also carried over into a second week if I assess myself properly and compare it to this week. 

This week my mood was much more "normal" for me. I sometimes forget how 'down' my 'normal' is. Even this last week wasn't as bad as what the average 'normal' has been for me this year. 

Reflecting on this year, I have been pretty broken to be honest. How I manage to do things sometimes is beyond me. 

I have only officially taken 1 week of sick leave, however, if you look at the hours and days I actually spend 'working' on my PhD, it has to be significantly less than what is expected of a "full time" student. 

The thing is I'm not even overly behind in anything really. Yes, okay I could have a longer and more through literature review by now, but that is really the only thing that I feel is not good enough. 

Perhaps it is just because I am in a good mood right now but looking back on my year, I have still been fairly busy with my PhD, work and family. Lots of people are repeatedly telling me I don't give myself enough credit. I guess my "normal" self just refuses to accept it. I know I do all of these things, but I kind of only feel like I'm actually seeing them for what they are at this moment. 

I have also reached another level of acceptance this year in regard to suffering from migraine. In part because I understand it more, thanks Simone from Voyager for sharing a bit of your story, this encouraged me to look into it more myself. I understand more about myself and what my triggers are now because of this as well as age and experience.

Speaking of which, my head has actually started to hurt recently. I've been working in a park and now I'm at the library, so my posture probably hasn't been the best. I also had my remedial massage this morning, which sometimes when the deeper muscles have been worked on can also trigger pain.  

I've lost my focus on this entry now, and I want to finish reading a paper before I head home. I will spend the rest of my spoons on the paper and getting home. 

 

Multi-purpose Music

So these past two months I've noticed how music has been a powerful tool in helping me in times of increased emotional activity.

Firstly, when I was super stressed and on my field trip, it helped me cope and keep on functioning.

Recently, I have noticed how it's boosting my mood just that bit further when I am already in a good mood.

Looking back, I have understood the power of music for a while now, but I have now noticed something else.

In the past, I linked different types of music to how I was feeling at the time. 

For example, when I broke up with my ex the band 'Lycanthia' was very important in getting me through that night of emotion. They are classified as "Death-Doom-Metal" according to their Youtube page. 

Another example would be having a very stressful meeting during my Master's degree. I came out of the meeting feeling dumb and that everything I had done was not good enough (thankfully this was not a supervisor, just a unit coordinator). After the meeting, I went and sat in my car and listened to my favourite Eurovision song for that year, which at the time was 'Under the Ladder' by 'Melovin'. 

One more thing I noticed was how 'Linkin Park' made me feel better and appreciate what I have in my life.

And of course, music has helped me to write too. However, the genres have always been different.

Back to current times, what I have found interesting is that it is the exact same playlist that helped me through my anxiety and is also what is further boosting my mood now. This playlist is a bit of a mix, but the fact it is the same set of songs has piqued my interest. 

Has anyone else noticed the music they gravitate towards when they are experiencing different emotional? Is it the same genre or is it completely different? How does it affect you?