Questioning my path

So I recently just took myself on a solo trip interstate. I very much enjoyed it. This was the first time visiting this city, and the first time travelling somewhere alone and not meeting up with anyone at the other end. I really need to do this more often. I'm not responsible for anyone but myself, I can do what I want for however long I want to. Which for me meant visiting lots of museums and galleries, and spending several hours in the Botanic Gardens! 

It was also great to not have as many loud and intrusive thoughts for a few days. I'm sure they'll pop back up again, but I'm really hoping that they will be a bit quieter, if only for the rest of this month.

Anyway, I've been back for a couple of days now. I had a day of rest yesterday, and a day working from home today because I was too tired to drive anywhere, especially an hour to uni. 

However, now I'm starting to question if I'm even up to a career in academia. I've barely scraped through the past 1.5 years with all of my physical and mental health issues. I haven't even started writing papers or my thesis yet (I don't count methods). 

Perhaps like previous times in my life, after a while of not doing research I will miss it again. Don't get me wrong I really enjoy what I do, it's just the constraints upon me and the battles I fight every single day just to get out of bed or to take a shower are exhausting. I don't know if I can keep doing this long term, something in my life has to change simply so I can function more efficiently. 

What would I do instead? Do more animal work for a while, but I know from experiance that won't be enough to intellectually stimulate me forever. It also won't be able to get me out of the financial situation my family is in. I could also do more casual work at universities, but there's not too much job security in that, there is also a preference to hire internally. I could also go back to making content, but that never really made me much money, and I hate the technological side. 

I have no urge to quit my PhD, I 100% want to finish this. However, I am doubting if I can continue in this line of work afterwards with how I am now. Will I ever be able to swim? :P

The financial cost of education

It's June now. Which means my university debt (HELP or HECS) just went up because of indexation.

Here is what indexation is:

"There is no interest charged on HELP debts.

However, indexation is added to your debt on 1 June each year.

Indexation is applied to your debt to maintain its real value by adjusting it in line with changes in the cost of living."

- Study Assist - Loan Indexation

This happens every year, however, this year the rate of increase was 7.1%. This is the highest it has ever been over the past 10 years. 

See: ATO Indexation Rates

Having done an undergraduate degree and a postgraduate degree my debt is obviously going to be higher than the majority of the population that only does an undergraduate degree and then finds a job. 

As much as I would love a free education like back in Whitlam's (1970's and 1980's) or like it is in some Scandinavian countries, I can accept that there are costs to getting an education and I am thankful that as an Australian citizen from a low socioeconomic background I am still able to go to university by getting a loan from the government. 

I can also accept to some degree that the longer it takes to pay off a loan the more it goes up. However, the amount it goes up by, specifically this year is quite ridiculous. 

Another thing I find unacceptable is when it is obligatory to make repayments. Currently you must start making repayments when you earn approximately only $5000* more than the minimum annual wage in Australia. To be fair, the less you earn the less percentage you have to pay off and vice versa, but I believe the minimum repayment income should be raised so people actually have a chance of not just getting out of debt, but also so they have a chance to invest in their future.

*This figure is APPROXIMATE

As a PhD student I earn below the minimum wage, despite being expected to work full-time hours, so I am currently not required to make payments to my loan. However, this year I made my first voluntary repayment. Not that it will reduce my debt, but rather keep it as it is.

**Yesterday my debt was 'y', I made a payment so my debt was 'x'. Today, after indexation is applied my new debt will be 'y' again. I can't afford to make a massive repayment, even the payment I did make is taking it straight out of my very limited savings. But if I did not make this repayment my debt would have increased to 'z'. 

**Where 'x' is the lower amount, followed by 'y', and 'z' is the highest amount.

I was debating with myself whether to make a repayment at all. Especially considering due to my disabilities and my carer responsibilities I may never earn enough to have to pay off my debt. However, I decided to be hopeful that one day I will be earning above the minimum wage and may even be in a position to apply for a home loan (with my partner, as a single income is rarely enough to buy any property these days). If I let my debt increase, I would not just have more to pay back in the future, but it would also affect any borrowing power I/we might have. 

Fingers crossed I made the best decision - that is being less well off now to be better off in the future.

Why start Academia against the odds?

Hello world, I am a first-year PhD student looking into rainforest ecology. 

I often find myself questioning why I am doing my PhD. Some might say this it is normal to question what you are doing, list the pros and cons of continuing and make a decision. However, I question myself on a daily basis, sometimes several times a day. I feel as if this is a little bit more often than usual.

I am constantly reminded that I face many challenges in my career, especially going into academia.

- I come from a low socioeconomic background,

- I am the first in my family to complete any university degree, 

- I get regular migraines,

- I am a partial carer for disabled adults in my family, 

- I am diagnosed as being on the Autism spectrum, 

- I have Generalized anxiety disorder, 

- I am known to get depression, 

- and there is ADHD in my family, so I likely have some of these traits as well.

Despite all of this I also know that these challenges won't go away and my questioning of what I'm doing will remain regardless of what I am actually doing.

I am starting this blog as a way to acknowledge and recognise what is going on inside my head, and to help me work through, what I will likely refer to as 'my madness' in future posts. 

I used to blog as a teenager and in my early 20's and found it helped me to process things and to stop bottling it up inside. 

So here's to my early-mid 30's self-help blog?