Spain: Part 1 - The Flight

This recount is written from my current memory of what occurred just less than 2 weeks ago.

Friday evening was when my journey began. My partner was kind enough to drive me to the airport. Unfortunately, my body decided it would be nauseous and wanted to vomit the entire car ride there. Luckily, I was in my car, in which I had a bunch of serviettes, as well as plastic and paper shopping bags in which I could contain my vomit.

At the airport my partner helped me with booking in my luggage. My poster had to go through a "special or over-sized baggage" area, as it could not be booked on with my suitcase, and it also could not be taken on as carry-on. I bought a plain packet of smiths chips for dinner as that was all I could stomach at the time. I got teary, said goodbye then proceeded to operate in automatic mode for most of the journey. 

The entire thing was surreal and I had unwillingly disassociated myself from the situation. Once I got on the plane I put on a horror podcast "Paralyzed" and I was content. Horror relaxes me... The plane food was actually alright. I made sure the uni's travel agent put me down as vegetarian, which most places seem to take as vegan, so that works too. I had the window seat for the longest part (15 something hrs), and the guy next to me slept a lot of the time so I was essentially trapped. I managed to get up once for a walk to the toilet and a quick stretch. I watched a couple of movies and played the kids games, but unfortunately no sleeping occurred. 

Once I arrived at Doha, Qatar, the security threw my unopened bottle of water that the plane gave me in the bin and had to empty my refillable bottle I bought. I get the emptying of my bottle, but an unopened bottle? Seriously? what a waste of resources going straight in the trash  - not recycling even. I roamed around the stores there for a bit and found an organic vegan food place. I got chocolate protein oats and a coffee. 

Next was the plane to Barcelona, I think I had an aisle seat, but honestly it is mostly a blur now. I do think I was able to get up a couple of times to stretch and toilet though. Again, I watched a movie or 2 and played some kids games, but no sleep still.

When I arrived in Barcelona that's when I broke. Everyone was speaking another language, I had not slept in over 24 hours, and my anxiety kicked in. I went to a couple of help desks to ask where I needed to go, and I found them quite rude. So then I found a toilet and cried for a while. Sadly the toilet paper was rough and hurt to blow my nose into. I also found I could register as having a hidden disability and that was associated with my ticket. After eventually composing myself I got a matcha frappe with whipped cream from Starbucks to make myself feel better. 

Soon enough it was time to board a domestic flight to Seville. The person scanning my ticket was friendly at first and then the notice about having a hidden disability came up and they were no longer friendly and just stopped talking to me. I'm assuming they just didn't know what to do in response? But the thing is they didn't need to do anything different...

Anyway, this plane had no meals, and no in-flight entertainment. I think I just listened to podcasts and played coloured in on my phone. and eventually got to Seville airport, where I finally had to find my luggage. My suitcase came out easy enough, I had to wait ages for my poster though.

Throughout most of this journey I was physically conscious but found it all very surreal and had strong disassociation. In the end I surrvived, and got to where I needed to go, which is pretty good for a first time travelling internationally, alone, with anxiety and autism!

Resubmitting new forms about old forms and not being able to fly

So... no more panic attacks, yes crying at admin emails because they are so stressful, but no more panic attacks.

Last Friday my Spain trip finally got approved to go on to the next stage of approvals. I really don't get it, it's the same information being approved by the same people, this time it's just on their web-froms rather than their word-doc forms. Why do I need to waste my time doing the exact same paperwork twice? Shouldn't it be the job of the admin people to put it into the computer system? Or just get us to put it directly into the system to begin with? Obviously not, because PhD students don't have anything else to do with their less than a minimum wage and more than a full time job work hours expectations.

Anyway, I also have neck pain and a headache, oh and I am feeling very tired today. But hey, what's new? This is everyday life for me so I should just get over it and push through?

Someone one told me that I have been in a constant "Fight or flight" mode for many years now, I think I finally understand them now, sure I accepted it to a degree, but now I really get what they mean. In a way I believe they were referring to a particular thing in my life, but my life in general is fight or flight. I have to fight constantly against my physical body, my mind, and then I'm not even going to mention all of the external factors impacting my life. 

I don't really have the option of "flight" because if I do so many things will disintegrate. The closes I come to flight is standing in one spot, exerting all of my energy flapping my wings, whilst still being in the middle of a battle.

Anyway, that's enough for now, I need to try and do some work, its 14:41 on a Monday..

Oh, and one last thing.. a couple of weeks ago I had a suspected herniated disc, I had different constant pain than normal and my remedial massues thought that might be the case. Of course by the time I got to my physio and GP after the weekend, there were no obvious signs of it, so once again I have no definitive answer about why I was in so much pain...

Sparks?

Hello there... the angel from my... rainforest?

My enjoyment of research has been partially reignited, probably only temporarily considering my mindset this past 9 months, but it is certainly nice to feel the sparks again 💚.

Despite having minimal sleep, having my physio appointment at 9 am, and then driving out to uni for an hour, today has been quite good. Although, I enjoy my physio appointment, having to race between appointments and things is annoying. 

Someone I am collaborating with came to do a guest lecture today, and I guess seeing and hearing about their passion for rainforests and science is a good thing for me. I went to group lunch afterward, then had a quick meeting with my supervisor and them, and yet to come is dinner with them and a group of mostly professors and one other PhD student. This is A LOT of socialising for me, someone who has not wanted to do any socialising at all for more than a week. I wonder how exhausted I will be tomorrow? 

Anyway, that's it really, just wanted to share that I like trees 🌳. I'll be heading out to the field in a couple of days so I'm going to try and do some desk work now. 

Questioning my path

So I recently just took myself on a solo trip interstate. I very much enjoyed it. This was the first time visiting this city, and the first time travelling somewhere alone and not meeting up with anyone at the other end. I really need to do this more often. I'm not responsible for anyone but myself, I can do what I want for however long I want to. Which for me meant visiting lots of museums and galleries, and spending several hours in the Botanic Gardens! 

It was also great to not have as many loud and intrusive thoughts for a few days. I'm sure they'll pop back up again, but I'm really hoping that they will be a bit quieter, if only for the rest of this month.

Anyway, I've been back for a couple of days now. I had a day of rest yesterday, and a day working from home today because I was too tired to drive anywhere, especially an hour to uni. 

However, now I'm starting to question if I'm even up to a career in academia. I've barely scraped through the past 1.5 years with all of my physical and mental health issues. I haven't even started writing papers or my thesis yet (I don't count methods). 

Perhaps like previous times in my life, after a while of not doing research I will miss it again. Don't get me wrong I really enjoy what I do, it's just the constraints upon me and the battles I fight every single day just to get out of bed or to take a shower are exhausting. I don't know if I can keep doing this long term, something in my life has to change simply so I can function more efficiently. 

What would I do instead? Do more animal work for a while, but I know from experiance that won't be enough to intellectually stimulate me forever. It also won't be able to get me out of the financial situation my family is in. I could also do more casual work at universities, but there's not too much job security in that, there is also a preference to hire internally. I could also go back to making content, but that never really made me much money, and I hate the technological side. 

I have no urge to quit my PhD, I 100% want to finish this. However, I am doubting if I can continue in this line of work afterwards with how I am now. Will I ever be able to swim? :P

Exhaustion

I'm so sleepy lately. I've made it into the university campus this week for three days, which is in some ways amazing considering how sleepy I am.

Monday - I had to pull over on the way in because I was my eyes were getting very heavy on the road. 

Tuesday - I was driving to my gym from uni at the end of the day and had a micro sleep on the road, luckily my tire scraping along the gutter was enough to wake me up.

Wednesday (Today) - I tried to get public transport into uni because I'm so tired, and because I have a meeting in the city tonight. I drove down to my local train station, the commuter car park was full, I drove around all the surrounding streets for about 10 minutes, no parking there either. I ended up having to drive all the way into uni again otherwise I wouldn't get here in time to make it to a meeting I want to go to in person. 

The thing is I'm not sleeping any more or less than I have been for ages, I am just overall exhausted. The past few nights I've been getting 7-8 hours of sleep each night, and not even waking up during the early hours for a change. I'm physically breaking again., which leads to increased symptoms of depression and anxiety of course.

The past few days haven't been too bad. Saturday night I had a mini-date with my partner and that went really well. It made me feel really good. The next day I did a wildlife party, and it was great to be with the animals again. I wasn't sleepy on this day, even with all of the driving, it was a good day. 

Anyway, back to today. All the emotional turmoil that has been plaguing me since July last year is resurfacing again. Just when I thought I was getting through it (yet again) it is back. These emotions physically make my chest/heart feel heavy. I should probably get back to journaling more regularly. When I'm having good days I generally don't feel like journaling, I always seem to leave it for when I feel crappy. Maybe that's not the best method.

As for my PhD, I still don't really know what I'm doing, not having met with my supervisor in several weeks probably doesn't help, but parts of me really doesnt want to either. Still working through my image analysis and planning for a field trip next month.  I am really looking forward to having time off. If it ever gets approved...

First Group DBT - I expressed myself

Today was the first group Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). 

Arrived about 10 - 15 min late, but that's okay. I made it. I'm still really tired and by the morning tea break around 11:20 I had to go and get another caffeine hit. 

Overall, I Think it went pretty good though. There was only about six of us, with two facilitators. 

We did the 'two truths and one lie' icebreaker. Here's mine:

1. I've been bitten by a crocodile

2. I've been bitten by a shark

3. I've been stung by a sting ray

Do any of you readers know the lie?

______________________________________________________

During this first group session I was already triggered by something. Now I don't usually get offended much, but when I do I usually ruminate and let it fester inside. After debating with myself for a little while whilst everyone was talking about WISE mind, I decided to speak up. It was quite challenging, and part of me still thinks its a stupid thing to get worked up about, but I knew expressing myself would make me feel better, so I did. 

Expressing myself more is one of my therapy goals, and being in a "safe space" I decided to give it ago. As I predicted it made me feel better afterwards. It was really hard when I was saying it out loud to the group though, I could tell I was having a hard time even getting the words out. In the beginning of the session we talked about being respectful and such but also using "I" statements. So that's what I did, I used the term "I". For example, I feel upset by this statement. Rather than saying I don't like what this person said.

I'm still having some negative thoughts about myself though. Things like"you shouldn't get so worked up about something so trivial" and then making fun of myself in a cruel way for feeling that way. I know I should feel proud for speaking up and expressing myself, in a way I do, but it's very hard after so long of not doing so. Maybe I should do another WISE mind ;)

Right now I'm in the library (It's much nicer there than my campus' library, more windows, feels nice and open and light). I've loaded up my image analysis software, but again it doesn't seem to be working properly, which is quite frustrating. Perhaps I should let it update when it asks next time, or even it just won't work without being connected by an Ethernet cable. At least I tried? 

Unplanned time off

After a great weekend out herping (searching for amphibians and reptiles) I was absolutely exhausted on Monday. I did not end up driving into campus as it would probably not be the safest for me to be driving for an hour or so. I did some image analysis at home, but the access to the remote system wasn't working very well so I couldn't do much from home. I also kept falling asleep at the computer.

Accepting that I need a day of rest after a weekend with humans, driving for several hours by myself, and just doing any activity is still not easy for me. I want to be able to do more still. A weekend doing something for myself (in this case a herping trip with a society) was great for my mental health, but I am still left completely physically broken afterwards. It is so frustrating. I wish doing things for myself actually recharged my batteries rather than also ran them down. But I guess I'm not in the best place as of late and even these things drain me more than I would like. 

My mental health must really be in a state when even the things that make me mentally feel better are wearing me this thin. My physical health is certainly not blameless though. This increased migraine severity in my mid thirties is certainly a real douze. 

Oh but don't worry my dear readers, the struggles of my life do not end there. My mother tested positive for covid last night, and as someone of high risk we were advised to go to the emergency department at hospital. So we ended up at hospital around 1 am. We saw the nurse and the doctor, all looked good so far, but bloods were taken just to check, that would be an hour before we got the results for that. Almost 2 hours later I asked what was happening, and whilst the bloods were normal, they could not dispense the anti-viral medication until 7-7.30 am. We were finally able to leave the hospital around 8 am. Now as messed up as my sleep and body already were this was the final straw. Around 3.30 am at the hospital I emailed my supervisor requesting sick leave. Even if Mum's covid is manageable and I don't contract it from her, there was no way I could see myself being able to work this week.

Anyway we got home had something to eat and I went to bed somewhere between 9 and 10 am. I may have been in bed for about 10 hours but I only got about 7 - 8 hours sleep, I woke up several times and I also had a massive headache (the chairs at hospital probably aided with this). I eventually give up on sleeping and trying to rest in bed and get up, the massive headache continues. I take something for it but only generic painkillers not migraine meds. It's decreased the pain a little bit but I can feel it's all still there, its just been pushed back a little bit for now. 

It's 11 pm now. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm sick of being in bed and asleep, I want to do stuff, anything, but I also need to have some sort of diurnal schedule as I start my group DBT on Thursday and assuming I don't get covid, I need to get to that in person, it starts at 10 am.

So there we have it, between my own mental and physical health problems with the addition of my a family members health and my carer responsibilities, I have decided to take another week off. Although doing an official request is still confusing to me since my candidature time is still being eaten up when I'm on sick leave - I guess it's for record keeping purposes. 

I can't really concentrate on writing anymore.

Here's a little reminder..

Hello depression

Well, I made it to uni today, not until after 12 pm, but I made it. 

On the drive in today I made the realisation that my main problem at the moment is depression. Not so much anxiety, as is often the case, but the depression part of me has flared up again. Hurrah!

I'm currently at my desk, slowly doing some image analysis, but staying focused is quite hard. It's a simple job, just tedious, but I am just feeling sad, my sadness is barely controllable. I'm trying to distract myself by doing my work, that I REALLY need to do, but I'm physically feeling a heaviness in my chest, and when I stop to breathe I can feel the tears beginning to well up inside. I am barely holding it together, and it is an absolute pain. I just want to be able to do my work!

I have a meeting in less than 2 hours to discuss some lab equipment, how thrilling... It's one of the main reasons I'm actually on campus today. But then If I stayed at home I would feel even worse, and I doubt I would even be acknowledging my emotions. At least I'm out of the house, and trying to get some work done, I'm making an effort. The problem is, I'm always making an effort, and it's absolutely exhausting! 

I took some Rizotriptan last night, my constant headache was getting worse, and I thought I should try and knock it out before it got too severe. I think it did the trick. Less pain today, just the normal amount, lol. Yes, I have to laugh, it's a coping mechanism.

Anyway, I've pretty much finished one analysis in this past hour, time for a food break before the meeting I guess. 

Stretching borrowed time

 Oh my goodness, I am so tired. Even after the long weekend I am not yet recovered from my fieldtrip.

I didn't make it to uni yesterday, I was super tired and had a headache. managed to get here today, but I have noticed the increasingly common behaviour that as soon as I park the car I need to sit in it for about half an hour just to get over the drive. I just don't have the spoons to deal with work and socialising.

I mentioned earlier this year, that I was on borrowed time, I am definitely stretching that borrowed time to the very max now. Just two more months, that's all I need to push through. Today I submitted my request for a leave of absence starting in April. The way the system works it will go until almost the end of June. Three months is more than I initially planned and wanted to take off, but considering how broken I feel most of the time, it is probably very much needed.

During that time I plan on trying to rest and recover, see a new migraine specialist, trial at least one new medication, and have a couple of short holidays away. My GP prescribed a new medication to help with my sleep and possibly my migraine, but I am yet to start it as they said it will make me extra sleepy the first few days of taking it. I certainly don't need extra sleepiness right now. I am hoping to somewhat recover a bit more from my field trip and then start taking it at the end of a working week. 

I also still need to go get my blood tests and a CT scan. I was going to get my blood tests this week but then my uterus decided to punish me for not making a baby, so I should probably wait before I get more blood removed from my body, especially considering my current exhaustion. 

On a completely different note, I am already getting excited for Eurovision! I rarely get excited for things, but Eurovision is a constant good thing in my life. I'm semi-following Norway's 'Melodi Grand Prix', Ukraine's 'Vidbir', and Lithuania's 'Eurovizja'. I have never really followed the Eurovision selection process in other countries before, but several artists I follow are competing in the aforementioned contests; Keiino, Melovin, and The Roop, respectively. 

Aw, my partner just sent me the best message regarding my taking leave: "it sucks that it has come to that", the exact acknowledgement that I need 💓

Still alive, barely

Well, it's certainly been, what's the current saying "a hot minute"? since I last wrote here.

Things mentally and physically have been going downhill since June last year. 

I took a week or two off from uni in October, which was nice and kept me going for the rest of the year. However, it lasted only a short time and by the beginning of December, I was pretty burnt out again. 

Christmas was pretty awful. It was nice to have time off uni, but I've been looking forward to Christmas less and less every year for a while now. This year just reinforced that. I was very much exhausted, had no social battery left, and got pretty bad migraine symptoms on Christmas day itself. 

Migraine for me has been getting more frequent and more intense this past 7-12 months. I rarely ever got nausea, but now it's a regular symptom. I have found if I allow myself to vomit it does relieve some of the pain for a while though. 

I'm still seeing my physiotherapist or remedial masseuse almost weekly, however, that no longer seems to be enough to manage my pain anymore. I have read online that migraines do get more severe in your thirties, so I'm guessing my age might have something to do with it, and of course the increasing physical and mental exertion of doing a PhD.

A bit more on the emotional/mental health side of things, I've been going through a lot of 'self-discovery' for lack of a better term since June last year. I've been seeing a psychologist on top of the counselor at uni. The counselor at uni is great for the surface problems, but the psychologist makes me think and feel deeper about things, that I have ignored and disregarded about myself. 

There's certainly been some unexpected insights from seeing this particular psychologist, it's been a weird and at times challenging ride so far - as I'm sure I've touched upon in previous posts. I think we're getting to a place where I'm willing to address some things that I wasn't before. I know I'm running the risk of getting hurt by doing this (for several reasons), however, I'm almost ready to take that step of 'faith' so to speak. There are still a few things I am unsure about, that I feel I should address with the psychologist during our next meeting, but whether I do or do not at the time is another challenge in itself. 

I am looking into taking 4-8 weeks off from my PhD around this April. I just can't keep doing this. My sleep is ineffective, I have pains in my body almost constantly, and on top of my usual mental health battles and these new challenges arising, I'm constantly running on empty. I'm hoping to book in to see a neurologist, let's hope the waiting lists are not too long!

Work-wise I think my PhD is going okay, I spoke with my main supervisor yesterday and mentioned I might need a break and they were fine with that. I do have a field trip starting this Saturday. This field trip is to the same place I went to last June when everything started to unravel for me, so I am a bit fearful of how I will cope, especially given my decreasing overall health. 

I did have almost 48 hours of reprieve recently. A combination of finally doing Body Combat again (one of the best therapies out there for me), taking myself on a short solo walk, and having some deep conversations with my pairbond, resulted in me feeling good, capable, and less broken. So this time 3 days of work on myself led to almost 2 days of good health. I knew I was on borrowed time though, and I could sense when it was coming to an end. 

This field trip is very important though, and as usual, I will power through to benefit my research, even if it comes at a cost to myself. Like I did after doing Body Combat last week where I knew that my migraine symptoms would be triggered, I could even feel it starting during the class but kept going. I wasn't completely idiotic about it, after the class, I took a long bath with magnesium salts, I did not drink any alcohol, and I took my rizatriptan before I went to sleep. I didn't expect these actions to work so well, I still experienced excessive tiredness and pain, but nowhere to the extent I have in the past. I could actually get out of bed and go for a walk later that day. I am hoping I can manage this field trip's physical pains similarly, but I'm still uncertain about how I will go emotionally.

How I came to see the spoons in my life

Spoon theory is often used by people with chronic illness, whether it be physical or mental. These people are known to be referred to as 'spoonies'. 

I've known about spoon theory since the beginning of covid, however, I at the time I was not able to apply it to my life.  After this past week I totally understand the concept of spoon theory and can 100% apply it to my life right now.

It all started last week. Monday I had a bad migraine in the field and had to stay in the car while the others did work. I was NOT able to function at all! Luckily, I took some Rizatriptan with me and I was able to get back to work the next day. I was really looking forward to the next days we were visiting a National Park I had not yet been to, we were meeting up with some botanists, and I just enjoy being in the field.

I managed to hold myself physically together with only mild headache and related symptoms for the rest of the field trip, however, emotionally I soon reached my limit.

Tuesday night I got the message that one of my cats had escaped and not come home. I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night. I was waking up almost every hour and having to check my phone to see if he had returned home. For Wednesday's fieldwork I was wrecked. With a lack of quality sleep, in addition to my post migraine symptoms, on top of that I was barely holding it together emotionally. Even with my lack of focus I managed to work with the team to get what we needed done by lunch time. After lunch I went into the local university to pack up my lab set up.

On the way to the university, a couple of stops to breathe, and a lot of music helped me to get there. Once I was there I was able to mostly focus on packing up my gear and downloading some data. As soon as I got into the car to leave all the worry and anxiety about my cat was back. I rang my mum and my partner while I had reception to find out what was happening and it was just nice to talk rather than messaging all the time. After those phone calls I sat in the car crying and having a mini breakdown. Once I was done I treated myself with an ice-cream, and went back to the accommodation with my field team. 

Once back in the company of humans, I automatically went back into full mask mode where I appeared to be functional and not showing that I was on the edge. Thankfully, I was messaged by my home crew (mum and my partner) that they found the cat up in a tall tree. They couldn't get him to come down but I could physically feel the relief run through me. I had no more pains in my chest and no more nausea. I got to sleep a little easier that night, even though the cat was still not home safe, as at least I knew he was alive and in the area. I still woke up a couple of times after I got to sleep, and thankfully around 3 am I woke up to a "he's home" message. Afterwards, I did not wake up until the morning. 

By now it was Thursday and time to head back to Sydney, which was 8 - 10 hours drive away. Good thing I got some sleep the previous night! 

Unfortunately, it was just the eye of the storm for my emotional ordeal that week. After a few hours of the journey I get a call from mum about booking in my eldest cat in to see the vet as he was very wobbly on his feet. I try not to make too much of it for the next couple of hours, but I make sure I am not driving when the appointment was so I could hopefully speak to the vet. This particular vet and I communicate quite well. The storm starts again when the vet mentions that it may be the beginning of the end in regards to my precious eldest cat. Pretty much straight after I got off the phone, it was my turn to drive for the next 3 hours. This was probably a good thing as it gave me something to focus on rather than my cat's health. The drive went well, and we parted ways once we got to where I had parked my car. I then headed home for the final part of my journey. 

I get home. I carry a couple of things into the house, leaving my door open and the car light on, thinking I would continue to unpack the car. I went down to see my baby boy and he was not well. He was very wobbly, walking strange, and not interested in the food he was given. I could not leave his side, not even to get my bags in from the car. My partner arrived soon after, and he and my mother unpacked the car, and set up a floor bed in mum's room where my cat sleeps (I can't have him in my bedroom as he does not get on with the other cats, and it is the coldest room in the house). During this time of them helping me with basic things I broke, I completely broke. I could not do this anymore, I was exhausted. I got some sleep that night, but woke regularly to check on my cat. 

The next day my cat was showing signs of improvement. I had increased his medication, I was hand feeding him, and I was keeping him company (which he loves). He was still a bit wobbly but much better than the night before, where he looked like he had almost given up. I was able to separate myself from him for a bit over an hour to get to my remedial massage appointment, at which I was told my body is bad again. I think I then got home and took a nap with him. 

Again, that is not all, it's only Friday still. Day three. So that evening we get a knock on our door, our neighbour that I've known for about 25 years had passed. Not too surprising, he was in his 70's with chronic health problems, but still it was a bit of a shock. As he lived alone his pet bird is now at our house, although we don't really have the room for it, and did I mention the cats? A bunch of other things that were his are also at house that sister gave us, some consumables like food and toilet paper, also some blankets and towels that we are looking at donating to an animal shelter or vets. Back to Friday night, we spent a couple of hours helping his sister organise some things and then again on Saturday. 

Thankfully my cat was still improving so I could do some of the things I had planned and needed to do at university. Late Sataurday afternoon I finally had the chance to head out to the university to attend my live plant samples and set them up in the lab. Fortunately, my partner offered to drive me out to uni and keep me company while I worked. So from about 5.30 pm to 9 pm I worked. I did not get to do everything I needed to but I did what I could. 

Sunday I was dead, I needed to sleep. My cat was improving still which was great, but I still decided to sleep on mums floor to be with him. Mum's partner brought over a small air mattress for me to use, and that has very much helped with the comfort. I think it was around today that the spoon theory clicked with my situation. I had no spoons to deal with anything.

Monday I had prebooked a counselling appointment, just my regular meet up that helps me to function with my crazy life. However, that morning I got a message saying it needed to be rescheduled. Well, there goes that outlet, although I did get to stay in bed with my cat a bit longer that morning. I got to uni around 12.30 pm and did some more lab work. I left around 4.30 pm to get to a reptile society committee meeting that was thankfully in my local area. I had a pub dinner and slept on mums floor again.

Tuesday and Wednesday I got to uni at 2 pm. Both days just in time for a meeting. Then I went back to the lab again. Tuesday was my brothers birthday so we got some take out to have at home. I also messaged my brothers psychologist asking if he had some time for me this week, but unfortunately not. Wednesday, the reptile society was having a book launch so I went to that and helped out a little. Wednesday I survived of a mocha and a few snacks all day. I did not eat anything else when I finally got home, I just went to sleep on mums floor.

We are finally at Thursday, today. I got to uni around 2.30 pm, sat in my car for about an hour eating some lunch I brought from home and playing on my phone. Then I went back to the lab and finished doing some more of my work. I got home around 8 pm, heated up a frozen mac and cheese, and decided it was time to use this outlet to get out some what's been going on with me. 

My next counselling appointment is hopefully next Monday. I have also booked in with my brothers psychologist for the week after. He has seen my whole family before, and the familiarity with our situation I feel is a good reason for me to update him a little bit with what's going on. I have a lot going on that I have mentioned here, but with my life there is always more and I need to talk through it.

I have been tracking my spoons for the past few days with an app. I have come to realise it uses a spoon just for me to get up in the morning, another to get dressed and at least 2 more just to drive out to the university. There are only 12 spoons in a day and one third is used up before I even start working on my PhD. Tracking my spoons has helped me to realised how fragile I actually am right now and is helping me to acknowledge how hard it is for me to do basic things like, get dressed in the morning.

What a week

Last week was all over the place. I did not take sick leave as I only get 10 days per year. I stayed home all week though, and barely did any work. Here's how the following days played out.

Monday

I woke up at 4.30 am and decided to feed my cat. She ate her food like a good girl, then around 5 am she had a heart attack and passed in my arms. Following that event, my migraine came back. There was no way I was going to uni. Around 8.30 am I finally was able to get back to sleep. I woke up around 1 pm and don't know what I did for the rest of the day. I did take some of my new migraine meds and the pain went away :). No work was achieved this day. 

Tuesday

I was not going into uni today either as we scheduled to bury my cat when Mum, me, and our partners were all available that afternoon. I had my counseling appointment via Zoom. I  started to organise some of my calendars, but no other work was achieved this day. I also was not up to going to the gym even.

Wednesday

I woke up to my 5 am alarm to watch Eurovision Semi-final 1. This is good, I will talk about Eurovision more later though. Once it finished around 7 am, I went back to bed. I probably woke around 12 or 1 pm and by now I was thinking "There is no point in going to uni this week is there?" I was still working through my grief, the exhaustion, and pain from having a migraine the past 10 days added to the exhaustion of worrying and caring for my cat. I had no ability to focus and no motivation. I did manage to get to the gym in the evening though :)

Thursday

My body and head were in pain, but nowhere near as much as the previous week or Monday. No uni work was done today but I met up with my Supervisor for my casual job for a couple of hours and worked through what we needed to. I did also send a couple of emails to my uni supervisors. In the evening I took my to a comedy event. The event was good, I just wish I didn't have to drive as I noticed a did a few things I would not normally have done if I were functioning properly. 

Friday

I had my alarms set for 5 am to watch Eurovision semi-final 2. Unfortunately, I didn't get up until 5.15 am so I missed the first 2 and a half performances :(. Thankfully, Australia was the final performance so I didn't miss them. Once this finished at 7 am I went back to bed, but only for a couple of hours, as I had scheduled things for the day. I met with my main supervisor over Zoom to catch up. Then I finally had my remedial massage, I had been waiting all week for this appointment with all my aches and pains. Despite the pain, my body isn't as bad as it used to be when I first started treatment a couple of years ago. My superficial muscles are still moveable! The reason I am feeling pain in new places is because my nerves now have access to blood flow. When I first went she could not get into my deep muscles as my superficial muscles were so bad, and also my muscles were cold with a lack of blood flow.  I also managed to do about an hour of uni work, reading, and a little bit of writing :).

Eurovision

The Grand final was 5 am - 9.15 am Sunday morning, and luckily I woke up in time to watch the entire thing live and vote :D.

Now Eurovision is very important for my mental health. You may be thinking "Why would you wake up at 5 am if you don't need to? Especially when you are exhausted and in physical pain!", but I need to for my own happiness. Eurovision is one of the few things I actually look forward to, I generally don't look forward to much in life as I end up getting let down a lot, but Eurovision has never failed me. 

I also much prefer to watch things live, or when they are first released if they are important to me. With the internet these days it is almost impossible to avoid spoilers! Also, I get to vote if I want to. It feels better when I watch it live than as a repeat, I just don't get the same serotonin from repeats. I did the same for Doctor Who's 50th anniversary special, that is wake up at 4 or 5 am to watch it. 

What made this year even better was the fact a band I knew and liked was Australia's representative this year! I only discovered them a bit over a year ago, but I've already seen them live once and will be again next month :D. 

Now - Monday again 

I dropped my youngest cat off at the vet this morning as she has gum and bone disease at only about 11 months old. She has had her teeth cleaned, some removed, xrays, and blood tests. Luckily she does not have FIV! I then drove all the way out to uni, which was quite exhausting being an hour-long trip (with tolls). I have done some work today, not a lot, but I'm trying. I have a bit of a headache and will probably head home in less than an hour, picking my cat up on the way of course! 

Tired.

It is now 7.30 pm. I am ready to go to sleep. I got up at around 1-1.30 pm. I started to doze off somewhere between now and then. I went to sleep around 1.30 am last night. Fitbit says I had just over 8 hours of sleep during that 12-hour period. I pretty much woke up every couple of hours.

The thing is that last night I probably had the best sleep I have had in the past week. For the past few days. I have had 4 - 5 hours of sleep per night/day. I have also been regularly waking up every 1 - 2 hours and then not being able to sleep for the next 1 - 2 hours. 

I would say the main cause of my sleeping issues is that one of my almost 16-year-old cats is not well. I am spending a lot of time worrying about her and hand-feeding her regularly to make sure that she actually consumes food and moisture.

It is not unusual for me to prioritise my pets' health over mine. It is very difficult for me not to. My pets, in particular my cats have helped me through a lot of my mental health problems and have given me reasons to live. 

I accept death as a part of life, and I know many more of my loved ones will die over my lifetime. However, I will do everything in my power to make sure their last few days or months are comfortable while spending as much quality time with them as possible. 

My migraine has been gone for a couple of days, however, my head is hurting a bit now. Hopefully, it does not develop into another migraine. This time at least I have a stronger medication.