Still alive, barely

Well, it's certainly been, what's the current saying "a hot minute"? since I last wrote here.

Things mentally and physically have been going downhill since June last year. 

I took a week or two off from uni in October, which was nice and kept me going for the rest of the year. However, it lasted only a short time and by the beginning of December, I was pretty burnt out again. 

Christmas was pretty awful. It was nice to have time off uni, but I've been looking forward to Christmas less and less every year for a while now. This year just reinforced that. I was very much exhausted, had no social battery left, and got pretty bad migraine symptoms on Christmas day itself. 

Migraine for me has been getting more frequent and more intense this past 7-12 months. I rarely ever got nausea, but now it's a regular symptom. I have found if I allow myself to vomit it does relieve some of the pain for a while though. 

I'm still seeing my physiotherapist or remedial masseuse almost weekly, however, that no longer seems to be enough to manage my pain anymore. I have read online that migraines do get more severe in your thirties, so I'm guessing my age might have something to do with it, and of course the increasing physical and mental exertion of doing a PhD.

A bit more on the emotional/mental health side of things, I've been going through a lot of 'self-discovery' for lack of a better term since June last year. I've been seeing a psychologist on top of the counselor at uni. The counselor at uni is great for the surface problems, but the psychologist makes me think and feel deeper about things, that I have ignored and disregarded about myself. 

There's certainly been some unexpected insights from seeing this particular psychologist, it's been a weird and at times challenging ride so far - as I'm sure I've touched upon in previous posts. I think we're getting to a place where I'm willing to address some things that I wasn't before. I know I'm running the risk of getting hurt by doing this (for several reasons), however, I'm almost ready to take that step of 'faith' so to speak. There are still a few things I am unsure about, that I feel I should address with the psychologist during our next meeting, but whether I do or do not at the time is another challenge in itself. 

I am looking into taking 4-8 weeks off from my PhD around this April. I just can't keep doing this. My sleep is ineffective, I have pains in my body almost constantly, and on top of my usual mental health battles and these new challenges arising, I'm constantly running on empty. I'm hoping to book in to see a neurologist, let's hope the waiting lists are not too long!

Work-wise I think my PhD is going okay, I spoke with my main supervisor yesterday and mentioned I might need a break and they were fine with that. I do have a field trip starting this Saturday. This field trip is to the same place I went to last June when everything started to unravel for me, so I am a bit fearful of how I will cope, especially given my decreasing overall health. 

I did have almost 48 hours of reprieve recently. A combination of finally doing Body Combat again (one of the best therapies out there for me), taking myself on a short solo walk, and having some deep conversations with my pairbond, resulted in me feeling good, capable, and less broken. So this time 3 days of work on myself led to almost 2 days of good health. I knew I was on borrowed time though, and I could sense when it was coming to an end. 

This field trip is very important though, and as usual, I will power through to benefit my research, even if it comes at a cost to myself. Like I did after doing Body Combat last week where I knew that my migraine symptoms would be triggered, I could even feel it starting during the class but kept going. I wasn't completely idiotic about it, after the class, I took a long bath with magnesium salts, I did not drink any alcohol, and I took my rizatriptan before I went to sleep. I didn't expect these actions to work so well, I still experienced excessive tiredness and pain, but nowhere to the extent I have in the past. I could actually get out of bed and go for a walk later that day. I am hoping I can manage this field trip's physical pains similarly, but I'm still uncertain about how I will go emotionally.

Gym and bureaucracy

It's been 5 weeks! I finally got back to gym last night. The past 5 weeks I've either been away, sick, or cramping. Finally I was able to get back to Body Balance last night. I forgot what a buzz I can get after going to the gym. More often than not, it is definitely a mood booster for me. I even woke up with my abs hurting a little bit :) Which means I was exercising right :) Hehe. 

I'm finally back at uni today. Albeit, I didn't get in until like 12:30, at least I got here right? I've been working in the lab today, downloading lots of data and packing up my branches I had set up for measurements the past week. I got into the lab and it was 28 degrees Celsius again, I swear the people here must be trying to kill me. I set it back down to 22 deg C, but with in an hour or so it reverted to 28 deg C again. I think I've changed it so it will revert back to 22 deg C if it is changed temporarily. Why would someone set it to 28 deg C to begin with? No where in the world is that comfortable indoor working conditions. No wonder my branches dried up so fast! If it changes back again any time soon, I am going to have to complain to someone. I have no idea who, everything at my current uni is assumed knowledge and most of what I have found out I have had to learn either via making mistakes or asking people several times directly. 

This university is very laid back in some ways, which is kind of nice, but it definitely needs more structure for me. But then on the other hand to get any form of approval for expenses or field trips you have to submit the same forms at least two times to different offices/people for approval. Why must I complete the same paperwork twice? It is so inefficient. Whilst at my previous university it was harder to get permission because of risk assessments, and they even failed to enroll me properly once, it was much more organised and straight forward. I would know what else I needed to do to get approval. Where I am currently, I ask the finance team what approval I need and they don't tell me. Instead the next week I get another email asking me why I haven't got approval, and I have to ask them again what the second approval is that I need. 

Let's get back to a happier topic - gym! Hopefully, I can get back into the habit of regularly going again. I would love to be able to go 3-4 times a week, but let's aim for once a week for now. Some time in the past few weeks I even looked up doing some capoeira classes, however, there were no beginner adult classes anywhere near my home or my work place. Perhaps I should try and pick up Body Combat or Body Pump to get my heart rate up some more. Again, they will be additional classes to my Body Balance that I need to get back into doing first. At least with Body Balance I generally do get severe migraine symptoms afterwards. That's one of the reasons I quit Body Combat, which I really enjoyed. Perhaps now I am seeing a physio and remedial masseuse regularly it won't be as bad?

Speaking of migraine, thankfully my symptoms have not been that bad lately. I have had some mild headaches and neck pain, but, considering the amount of stress and driving I have been doing it has been quite the miracle! Sunday evening my brain was pretty foggy after work, I think everything from the previous 2 weeks of non-stop doing things and a family death had finally caught up to me, but again no severe migraine which was great :)

Monday night I even fell asleep on the 2-seater couch that is definately too short to lay straight on. I passed out around 8 pm and didn't get up again until past 8 am. I woke up a few times but I just rotated and went back to sleep, I was way too exhausted to get up and go to bed even. I did notice my lower back aching a bit, but once I got up it appeared to improve. Again, despite not even having a proper pillow, I had no migraine symptoms the next day! I did decide to work at home another day though.

Well, I better wrap things up for now and try and do some more work whilst my data is downloading still. This is why I am currently on two laptops, so I can actually do something. 

Ta Ta For Now.