Exhaustion

I'm so sleepy lately. I've made it into the university campus this week for three days, which is in some ways amazing considering how sleepy I am.

Monday - I had to pull over on the way in because I was my eyes were getting very heavy on the road. 

Tuesday - I was driving to my gym from uni at the end of the day and had a micro sleep on the road, luckily my tire scraping along the gutter was enough to wake me up.

Wednesday (Today) - I tried to get public transport into uni because I'm so tired, and because I have a meeting in the city tonight. I drove down to my local train station, the commuter car park was full, I drove around all the surrounding streets for about 10 minutes, no parking there either. I ended up having to drive all the way into uni again otherwise I wouldn't get here in time to make it to a meeting I want to go to in person. 

The thing is I'm not sleeping any more or less than I have been for ages, I am just overall exhausted. The past few nights I've been getting 7-8 hours of sleep each night, and not even waking up during the early hours for a change. I'm physically breaking again., which leads to increased symptoms of depression and anxiety of course.

The past few days haven't been too bad. Saturday night I had a mini-date with my partner and that went really well. It made me feel really good. The next day I did a wildlife party, and it was great to be with the animals again. I wasn't sleepy on this day, even with all of the driving, it was a good day. 

Anyway, back to today. All the emotional turmoil that has been plaguing me since July last year is resurfacing again. Just when I thought I was getting through it (yet again) it is back. These emotions physically make my chest/heart feel heavy. I should probably get back to journaling more regularly. When I'm having good days I generally don't feel like journaling, I always seem to leave it for when I feel crappy. Maybe that's not the best method.

As for my PhD, I still don't really know what I'm doing, not having met with my supervisor in several weeks probably doesn't help, but parts of me really doesnt want to either. Still working through my image analysis and planning for a field trip next month.  I am really looking forward to having time off. If it ever gets approved...

Hello depression

Well, I made it to uni today, not until after 12 pm, but I made it. 

On the drive in today I made the realisation that my main problem at the moment is depression. Not so much anxiety, as is often the case, but the depression part of me has flared up again. Hurrah!

I'm currently at my desk, slowly doing some image analysis, but staying focused is quite hard. It's a simple job, just tedious, but I am just feeling sad, my sadness is barely controllable. I'm trying to distract myself by doing my work, that I REALLY need to do, but I'm physically feeling a heaviness in my chest, and when I stop to breathe I can feel the tears beginning to well up inside. I am barely holding it together, and it is an absolute pain. I just want to be able to do my work!

I have a meeting in less than 2 hours to discuss some lab equipment, how thrilling... It's one of the main reasons I'm actually on campus today. But then If I stayed at home I would feel even worse, and I doubt I would even be acknowledging my emotions. At least I'm out of the house, and trying to get some work done, I'm making an effort. The problem is, I'm always making an effort, and it's absolutely exhausting! 

I took some Rizotriptan last night, my constant headache was getting worse, and I thought I should try and knock it out before it got too severe. I think it did the trick. Less pain today, just the normal amount, lol. Yes, I have to laugh, it's a coping mechanism.

Anyway, I've pretty much finished one analysis in this past hour, time for a food break before the meeting I guess. 

Still alive, barely

Well, it's certainly been, what's the current saying "a hot minute"? since I last wrote here.

Things mentally and physically have been going downhill since June last year. 

I took a week or two off from uni in October, which was nice and kept me going for the rest of the year. However, it lasted only a short time and by the beginning of December, I was pretty burnt out again. 

Christmas was pretty awful. It was nice to have time off uni, but I've been looking forward to Christmas less and less every year for a while now. This year just reinforced that. I was very much exhausted, had no social battery left, and got pretty bad migraine symptoms on Christmas day itself. 

Migraine for me has been getting more frequent and more intense this past 7-12 months. I rarely ever got nausea, but now it's a regular symptom. I have found if I allow myself to vomit it does relieve some of the pain for a while though. 

I'm still seeing my physiotherapist or remedial masseuse almost weekly, however, that no longer seems to be enough to manage my pain anymore. I have read online that migraines do get more severe in your thirties, so I'm guessing my age might have something to do with it, and of course the increasing physical and mental exertion of doing a PhD.

A bit more on the emotional/mental health side of things, I've been going through a lot of 'self-discovery' for lack of a better term since June last year. I've been seeing a psychologist on top of the counselor at uni. The counselor at uni is great for the surface problems, but the psychologist makes me think and feel deeper about things, that I have ignored and disregarded about myself. 

There's certainly been some unexpected insights from seeing this particular psychologist, it's been a weird and at times challenging ride so far - as I'm sure I've touched upon in previous posts. I think we're getting to a place where I'm willing to address some things that I wasn't before. I know I'm running the risk of getting hurt by doing this (for several reasons), however, I'm almost ready to take that step of 'faith' so to speak. There are still a few things I am unsure about, that I feel I should address with the psychologist during our next meeting, but whether I do or do not at the time is another challenge in itself. 

I am looking into taking 4-8 weeks off from my PhD around this April. I just can't keep doing this. My sleep is ineffective, I have pains in my body almost constantly, and on top of my usual mental health battles and these new challenges arising, I'm constantly running on empty. I'm hoping to book in to see a neurologist, let's hope the waiting lists are not too long!

Work-wise I think my PhD is going okay, I spoke with my main supervisor yesterday and mentioned I might need a break and they were fine with that. I do have a field trip starting this Saturday. This field trip is to the same place I went to last June when everything started to unravel for me, so I am a bit fearful of how I will cope, especially given my decreasing overall health. 

I did have almost 48 hours of reprieve recently. A combination of finally doing Body Combat again (one of the best therapies out there for me), taking myself on a short solo walk, and having some deep conversations with my pairbond, resulted in me feeling good, capable, and less broken. So this time 3 days of work on myself led to almost 2 days of good health. I knew I was on borrowed time though, and I could sense when it was coming to an end. 

This field trip is very important though, and as usual, I will power through to benefit my research, even if it comes at a cost to myself. Like I did after doing Body Combat last week where I knew that my migraine symptoms would be triggered, I could even feel it starting during the class but kept going. I wasn't completely idiotic about it, after the class, I took a long bath with magnesium salts, I did not drink any alcohol, and I took my rizatriptan before I went to sleep. I didn't expect these actions to work so well, I still experienced excessive tiredness and pain, but nowhere to the extent I have in the past. I could actually get out of bed and go for a walk later that day. I am hoping I can manage this field trip's physical pains similarly, but I'm still uncertain about how I will go emotionally.

It's over and I'm normal again

My serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin levels are back to normal again. Normal for me that is. Which is likely lower than the "norm". I guess that's why I'm on an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor).

SSRI's stops my blood from absorbing all of the serotonin in my brain, leaving higher levels of the hormone in my brain to help relieve my anxiety and depression. 

I've been on the same meds for around 16 years now. I haven't experimented with the dosage in ages. That was done in the early years. Let's say I am on 2 now. A higher dosage of 3 did not make a difference, but a lower dose of 1 did. Not sure if hanging the dose now would make any difference, or perhaps even trying a different type of medication. Stressors increase with life, they change, but they certainly increase with the added responsibility. I just don't have the time to see a psychiatrist (that has at least a 6 month waiting period). Also, I am hesitant to potentially make things worse whilst I have so much going on. However, when will I have less going on? When I finish my PhD? perhaps, for a short period of time, but I'm sure other factors in my life will change by then. 

I can talk about it with my counsellor and psychologist, even my GP, but only a psychiatrist has the ability to change my meds if needed. The most I can do is slightly increase the dosage of the current medication and monitor myself. I would ideally consult my GP whilst doing so. 

I've been meaning to book an appointment with them for a while, but everything is so busy, and seeing mental health professionals has been prioritised. They know me better, they just cannot prescribe meds. 

My head is hurting again too. Which goes hand in hand with my mood. It is a positive feed back loop, with my head pain amplifying my low mood, and likely my low mood amplifying my head pain. But remember, this is the norm for me, so I just have to get used to it again. 

I am looking forward to seeing the psychologist again in  couple of weeks, since they were a factor in getting me out of my normal slump, I am curious to see if they alone are enough to do so again. This time I am not house sitting so, there is a significant change in my environment. 

As mentioned previously, I am very aware of the thin line existing between me percieving the relationship as more than professional. I think I first became aware of the transferance over a year ago, and have since done my own research into it to better understand it. I have only just started seeing them for myself in the past week. We had one session just the two of us I think early last year, and I did not go back to a one on one session since. I only joined in on a couple of family sessions between then and last week (which was generally fine). So I have had plenty of time to sort through what is going on in my head in regards to them. 

I like to go into most things in life knowing as much as I can, and being prepared. This trait of mine is what likely makes me hesitant about medication trials. Not just for my anxiety and depression, but also migraine. Not knowing how my body will react with different medication, and knowing there are potentially negative side effects and reactions certainly makes me question if the negatives outweigh the potential benefits.

It's strange, because overall I enjoy doing new things, but I guess most of them have little chance of being bad. Chance of being neutral is often there, which does not seem to bother me. 

I am thinking I should finish this up here, as I have not done any work in 1 hour and 15 minutes. Although this did include lunch, bathroom, and making coffee, I know I need to do more work . If I don't do any work, my state of being will lower ecen more and feed into that positive feedback loop I was talking about before. 

Another intense week...

So, I made it back to uni Mon- Weds this week! This is a bit of an achievement for me. After being away for so long it feels weird in many ways. The weirdest feeling is the social aspect of it. Seeing people after so long, and some of them wondering where you have been and having to explain a certain amount to them is always a bit scary. I am thankful I actually have a physical problem (migraines) and not just autistic problems and carers responsibilities, since people seem to understand physical problems so much better. As progressive as society is in some ways, I would not be able to explain my autism properly in a way that others would even begin to comprehend, especially since I present so well. I am a master at masking not just my autism, but also all my other stresses, responsibilities, depression and even my physical pains. Something else the majority of people my age and younger don't understand is carers responsibilities. Almost everyone here that I have spoken only has themselves to worry about. They have no dependents, and as such the only financial and time related responsibilities have been self-related. I mention that I help care for my family and they can't even comprehend what I mean by that. They are fortunate enough to either not have disabled family members or have other family members that can care for them. I have been asked why I don't just leave my family to look after themselves with the public health systems to help them out? Anyone who has delt with the public health system knows it does not properly support low-income people with non-physical disabilities. 

In other news, one of my 3-year-old boys got a urinary blockage and had to spend a couple of days at the vet. He is home now seeming happy, and his brother is definitely much happier to have him home! He had to spend time at a 24/7 emergency vet clinic, they wanted to keep him a couple more nights, but thankfully they let me take him to my normal vet after the first night. This made the vet bill more than 10 times cheaper! My Youngest girl (who acts like the boys) also had a dental procedure last week. She is less than a year old and has already had to have teeth removed. They said she probably would not want to eat that night. but as soon as I brought her home, she went straight to the food bowl and was eating! Both of these cats really love their food! 

Saturday was Mum's 60th afternoon tea that I organised. It seemed to go well with people enjoying themselves. Only after the last guest left did I realise how much physical pain I was in though. While I was busy making food, and entertaining people I totally blocked out any headaches I had. I also realised once they left that I had only sat down maybe 2 minutes over the past 4 hours or so and my feet and lower back were quite sore.

Lastly, I had a short work shift on Sunday. I was thinking, great its a short day and I can have half a day at home to recover after the week. Of course that didn't happen. I was using the work car and got a flat tyre. Being a Sunday, there were no tyre shops open anywhere where I was, and NRMA could only tow me to the tyre shop and leave me there, with all the animals in the car. Thankfully my wonderful partner gave up his day off to come and get me and the critters to take us back to where they live and to where my car was. 

So I'm back at Uni today and have a whole week of PhD work to do again, with no time to actually rest. I do have a couple of science talks in a pub I will be going to which I will enjoy. However, while I may be doing enjoyable activities, I am still not getting to actually sit down and do nothing but rest. I still have on and off headaches of varying degrees of pain, but thankfully no debilitating migraine symptoms for a maybe a week. I can also be thankful for having perfect eyes. I had an optometrist appointment last week and they did several different tests, and I was perfect for them all! I even got to see behind/inside my eyes :D That was really cool!

Here is a picture of what it kind of looked like (not my eye):

Tired.

It is now 7.30 pm. I am ready to go to sleep. I got up at around 1-1.30 pm. I started to doze off somewhere between now and then. I went to sleep around 1.30 am last night. Fitbit says I had just over 8 hours of sleep during that 12-hour period. I pretty much woke up every couple of hours.

The thing is that last night I probably had the best sleep I have had in the past week. For the past few days. I have had 4 - 5 hours of sleep per night/day. I have also been regularly waking up every 1 - 2 hours and then not being able to sleep for the next 1 - 2 hours. 

I would say the main cause of my sleeping issues is that one of my almost 16-year-old cats is not well. I am spending a lot of time worrying about her and hand-feeding her regularly to make sure that she actually consumes food and moisture.

It is not unusual for me to prioritise my pets' health over mine. It is very difficult for me not to. My pets, in particular my cats have helped me through a lot of my mental health problems and have given me reasons to live. 

I accept death as a part of life, and I know many more of my loved ones will die over my lifetime. However, I will do everything in my power to make sure their last few days or months are comfortable while spending as much quality time with them as possible. 

My migraine has been gone for a couple of days, however, my head is hurting a bit now. Hopefully, it does not develop into another migraine. This time at least I have a stronger medication.

Why start Academia against the odds?

Hello world, I am a first-year PhD student looking into rainforest ecology. 

I often find myself questioning why I am doing my PhD. Some might say this it is normal to question what you are doing, list the pros and cons of continuing and make a decision. However, I question myself on a daily basis, sometimes several times a day. I feel as if this is a little bit more often than usual.

I am constantly reminded that I face many challenges in my career, especially going into academia.

- I come from a low socioeconomic background,

- I am the first in my family to complete any university degree, 

- I get regular migraines,

- I am a partial carer for disabled adults in my family, 

- I am diagnosed as being on the Autism spectrum, 

- I have Generalized anxiety disorder, 

- I am known to get depression, 

- and there is ADHD in my family, so I likely have some of these traits as well.

Despite all of this I also know that these challenges won't go away and my questioning of what I'm doing will remain regardless of what I am actually doing.

I am starting this blog as a way to acknowledge and recognise what is going on inside my head, and to help me work through, what I will likely refer to as 'my madness' in future posts. 

I used to blog as a teenager and in my early 20's and found it helped me to process things and to stop bottling it up inside. 

So here's to my early-mid 30's self-help blog?