Unplanned time off

After a great weekend out herping (searching for amphibians and reptiles) I was absolutely exhausted on Monday. I did not end up driving into campus as it would probably not be the safest for me to be driving for an hour or so. I did some image analysis at home, but the access to the remote system wasn't working very well so I couldn't do much from home. I also kept falling asleep at the computer.

Accepting that I need a day of rest after a weekend with humans, driving for several hours by myself, and just doing any activity is still not easy for me. I want to be able to do more still. A weekend doing something for myself (in this case a herping trip with a society) was great for my mental health, but I am still left completely physically broken afterwards. It is so frustrating. I wish doing things for myself actually recharged my batteries rather than also ran them down. But I guess I'm not in the best place as of late and even these things drain me more than I would like. 

My mental health must really be in a state when even the things that make me mentally feel better are wearing me this thin. My physical health is certainly not blameless though. This increased migraine severity in my mid thirties is certainly a real douze. 

Oh but don't worry my dear readers, the struggles of my life do not end there. My mother tested positive for covid last night, and as someone of high risk we were advised to go to the emergency department at hospital. So we ended up at hospital around 1 am. We saw the nurse and the doctor, all looked good so far, but bloods were taken just to check, that would be an hour before we got the results for that. Almost 2 hours later I asked what was happening, and whilst the bloods were normal, they could not dispense the anti-viral medication until 7-7.30 am. We were finally able to leave the hospital around 8 am. Now as messed up as my sleep and body already were this was the final straw. Around 3.30 am at the hospital I emailed my supervisor requesting sick leave. Even if Mum's covid is manageable and I don't contract it from her, there was no way I could see myself being able to work this week.

Anyway we got home had something to eat and I went to bed somewhere between 9 and 10 am. I may have been in bed for about 10 hours but I only got about 7 - 8 hours sleep, I woke up several times and I also had a massive headache (the chairs at hospital probably aided with this). I eventually give up on sleeping and trying to rest in bed and get up, the massive headache continues. I take something for it but only generic painkillers not migraine meds. It's decreased the pain a little bit but I can feel it's all still there, its just been pushed back a little bit for now. 

It's 11 pm now. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm sick of being in bed and asleep, I want to do stuff, anything, but I also need to have some sort of diurnal schedule as I start my group DBT on Thursday and assuming I don't get covid, I need to get to that in person, it starts at 10 am.

So there we have it, between my own mental and physical health problems with the addition of my a family members health and my carer responsibilities, I have decided to take another week off. Although doing an official request is still confusing to me since my candidature time is still being eaten up when I'm on sick leave - I guess it's for record keeping purposes. 

I can't really concentrate on writing anymore.

Here's a little reminder..

Stretching borrowed time

 Oh my goodness, I am so tired. Even after the long weekend I am not yet recovered from my fieldtrip.

I didn't make it to uni yesterday, I was super tired and had a headache. managed to get here today, but I have noticed the increasingly common behaviour that as soon as I park the car I need to sit in it for about half an hour just to get over the drive. I just don't have the spoons to deal with work and socialising.

I mentioned earlier this year, that I was on borrowed time, I am definitely stretching that borrowed time to the very max now. Just two more months, that's all I need to push through. Today I submitted my request for a leave of absence starting in April. The way the system works it will go until almost the end of June. Three months is more than I initially planned and wanted to take off, but considering how broken I feel most of the time, it is probably very much needed.

During that time I plan on trying to rest and recover, see a new migraine specialist, trial at least one new medication, and have a couple of short holidays away. My GP prescribed a new medication to help with my sleep and possibly my migraine, but I am yet to start it as they said it will make me extra sleepy the first few days of taking it. I certainly don't need extra sleepiness right now. I am hoping to somewhat recover a bit more from my field trip and then start taking it at the end of a working week. 

I also still need to go get my blood tests and a CT scan. I was going to get my blood tests this week but then my uterus decided to punish me for not making a baby, so I should probably wait before I get more blood removed from my body, especially considering my current exhaustion. 

On a completely different note, I am already getting excited for Eurovision! I rarely get excited for things, but Eurovision is a constant good thing in my life. I'm semi-following Norway's 'Melodi Grand Prix', Ukraine's 'Vidbir', and Lithuania's 'Eurovizja'. I have never really followed the Eurovision selection process in other countries before, but several artists I follow are competing in the aforementioned contests; Keiino, Melovin, and The Roop, respectively. 

Aw, my partner just sent me the best message regarding my taking leave: "it sucks that it has come to that", the exact acknowledgement that I need 💓

Another hit? and some reflection

Well, I've just had another hit of the feel-good hormones in my brain... It's interesting how just having a conversation can do that sometimes. This time it has left a bit of a different impression on me though. 

Not quite as Spongebob-by, but still nice.

It will be interesting to see how long this hit lasts and whether it has the same effects. The previous, let's call it 'happy hit' for now, was quite noticeable for about a week, but it also carried over into a second week if I assess myself properly and compare it to this week. 

This week my mood was much more "normal" for me. I sometimes forget how 'down' my 'normal' is. Even this last week wasn't as bad as what the average 'normal' has been for me this year. 

Reflecting on this year, I have been pretty broken to be honest. How I manage to do things sometimes is beyond me. 

I have only officially taken 1 week of sick leave, however, if you look at the hours and days I actually spend 'working' on my PhD, it has to be significantly less than what is expected of a "full time" student. 

The thing is I'm not even overly behind in anything really. Yes, okay I could have a longer and more through literature review by now, but that is really the only thing that I feel is not good enough. 

Perhaps it is just because I am in a good mood right now but looking back on my year, I have still been fairly busy with my PhD, work and family. Lots of people are repeatedly telling me I don't give myself enough credit. I guess my "normal" self just refuses to accept it. I know I do all of these things, but I kind of only feel like I'm actually seeing them for what they are at this moment. 

I have also reached another level of acceptance this year in regard to suffering from migraine. In part because I understand it more, thanks Simone from Voyager for sharing a bit of your story, this encouraged me to look into it more myself. I understand more about myself and what my triggers are now because of this as well as age and experience.

Speaking of which, my head has actually started to hurt recently. I've been working in a park and now I'm at the library, so my posture probably hasn't been the best. I also had my remedial massage this morning, which sometimes when the deeper muscles have been worked on can also trigger pain.  

I've lost my focus on this entry now, and I want to finish reading a paper before I head home. I will spend the rest of my spoons on the paper and getting home. 

 

How I came to see the spoons in my life

Spoon theory is often used by people with chronic illness, whether it be physical or mental. These people are known to be referred to as 'spoonies'. 

I've known about spoon theory since the beginning of covid, however, I at the time I was not able to apply it to my life.  After this past week I totally understand the concept of spoon theory and can 100% apply it to my life right now.

It all started last week. Monday I had a bad migraine in the field and had to stay in the car while the others did work. I was NOT able to function at all! Luckily, I took some Rizatriptan with me and I was able to get back to work the next day. I was really looking forward to the next days we were visiting a National Park I had not yet been to, we were meeting up with some botanists, and I just enjoy being in the field.

I managed to hold myself physically together with only mild headache and related symptoms for the rest of the field trip, however, emotionally I soon reached my limit.

Tuesday night I got the message that one of my cats had escaped and not come home. I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night. I was waking up almost every hour and having to check my phone to see if he had returned home. For Wednesday's fieldwork I was wrecked. With a lack of quality sleep, in addition to my post migraine symptoms, on top of that I was barely holding it together emotionally. Even with my lack of focus I managed to work with the team to get what we needed done by lunch time. After lunch I went into the local university to pack up my lab set up.

On the way to the university, a couple of stops to breathe, and a lot of music helped me to get there. Once I was there I was able to mostly focus on packing up my gear and downloading some data. As soon as I got into the car to leave all the worry and anxiety about my cat was back. I rang my mum and my partner while I had reception to find out what was happening and it was just nice to talk rather than messaging all the time. After those phone calls I sat in the car crying and having a mini breakdown. Once I was done I treated myself with an ice-cream, and went back to the accommodation with my field team. 

Once back in the company of humans, I automatically went back into full mask mode where I appeared to be functional and not showing that I was on the edge. Thankfully, I was messaged by my home crew (mum and my partner) that they found the cat up in a tall tree. They couldn't get him to come down but I could physically feel the relief run through me. I had no more pains in my chest and no more nausea. I got to sleep a little easier that night, even though the cat was still not home safe, as at least I knew he was alive and in the area. I still woke up a couple of times after I got to sleep, and thankfully around 3 am I woke up to a "he's home" message. Afterwards, I did not wake up until the morning. 

By now it was Thursday and time to head back to Sydney, which was 8 - 10 hours drive away. Good thing I got some sleep the previous night! 

Unfortunately, it was just the eye of the storm for my emotional ordeal that week. After a few hours of the journey I get a call from mum about booking in my eldest cat in to see the vet as he was very wobbly on his feet. I try not to make too much of it for the next couple of hours, but I make sure I am not driving when the appointment was so I could hopefully speak to the vet. This particular vet and I communicate quite well. The storm starts again when the vet mentions that it may be the beginning of the end in regards to my precious eldest cat. Pretty much straight after I got off the phone, it was my turn to drive for the next 3 hours. This was probably a good thing as it gave me something to focus on rather than my cat's health. The drive went well, and we parted ways once we got to where I had parked my car. I then headed home for the final part of my journey. 

I get home. I carry a couple of things into the house, leaving my door open and the car light on, thinking I would continue to unpack the car. I went down to see my baby boy and he was not well. He was very wobbly, walking strange, and not interested in the food he was given. I could not leave his side, not even to get my bags in from the car. My partner arrived soon after, and he and my mother unpacked the car, and set up a floor bed in mum's room where my cat sleeps (I can't have him in my bedroom as he does not get on with the other cats, and it is the coldest room in the house). During this time of them helping me with basic things I broke, I completely broke. I could not do this anymore, I was exhausted. I got some sleep that night, but woke regularly to check on my cat. 

The next day my cat was showing signs of improvement. I had increased his medication, I was hand feeding him, and I was keeping him company (which he loves). He was still a bit wobbly but much better than the night before, where he looked like he had almost given up. I was able to separate myself from him for a bit over an hour to get to my remedial massage appointment, at which I was told my body is bad again. I think I then got home and took a nap with him. 

Again, that is not all, it's only Friday still. Day three. So that evening we get a knock on our door, our neighbour that I've known for about 25 years had passed. Not too surprising, he was in his 70's with chronic health problems, but still it was a bit of a shock. As he lived alone his pet bird is now at our house, although we don't really have the room for it, and did I mention the cats? A bunch of other things that were his are also at house that sister gave us, some consumables like food and toilet paper, also some blankets and towels that we are looking at donating to an animal shelter or vets. Back to Friday night, we spent a couple of hours helping his sister organise some things and then again on Saturday. 

Thankfully my cat was still improving so I could do some of the things I had planned and needed to do at university. Late Sataurday afternoon I finally had the chance to head out to the university to attend my live plant samples and set them up in the lab. Fortunately, my partner offered to drive me out to uni and keep me company while I worked. So from about 5.30 pm to 9 pm I worked. I did not get to do everything I needed to but I did what I could. 

Sunday I was dead, I needed to sleep. My cat was improving still which was great, but I still decided to sleep on mums floor to be with him. Mum's partner brought over a small air mattress for me to use, and that has very much helped with the comfort. I think it was around today that the spoon theory clicked with my situation. I had no spoons to deal with anything.

Monday I had prebooked a counselling appointment, just my regular meet up that helps me to function with my crazy life. However, that morning I got a message saying it needed to be rescheduled. Well, there goes that outlet, although I did get to stay in bed with my cat a bit longer that morning. I got to uni around 12.30 pm and did some more lab work. I left around 4.30 pm to get to a reptile society committee meeting that was thankfully in my local area. I had a pub dinner and slept on mums floor again.

Tuesday and Wednesday I got to uni at 2 pm. Both days just in time for a meeting. Then I went back to the lab again. Tuesday was my brothers birthday so we got some take out to have at home. I also messaged my brothers psychologist asking if he had some time for me this week, but unfortunately not. Wednesday, the reptile society was having a book launch so I went to that and helped out a little. Wednesday I survived of a mocha and a few snacks all day. I did not eat anything else when I finally got home, I just went to sleep on mums floor.

We are finally at Thursday, today. I got to uni around 2.30 pm, sat in my car for about an hour eating some lunch I brought from home and playing on my phone. Then I went back to the lab and finished doing some more of my work. I got home around 8 pm, heated up a frozen mac and cheese, and decided it was time to use this outlet to get out some what's been going on with me. 

My next counselling appointment is hopefully next Monday. I have also booked in with my brothers psychologist for the week after. He has seen my whole family before, and the familiarity with our situation I feel is a good reason for me to update him a little bit with what's going on. I have a lot going on that I have mentioned here, but with my life there is always more and I need to talk through it.

I have been tracking my spoons for the past few days with an app. I have come to realise it uses a spoon just for me to get up in the morning, another to get dressed and at least 2 more just to drive out to the university. There are only 12 spoons in a day and one third is used up before I even start working on my PhD. Tracking my spoons has helped me to realised how fragile I actually am right now and is helping me to acknowledge how hard it is for me to do basic things like, get dressed in the morning.

Fieldtrip but not in the field

 It's been a little while since I've posted. That doesn't mean everything is going great or that everything is going horribly, it just means I've been very busy and I haven't had the time of motivation to write here even though it can help me deal with what's going on.

I'm on a field trip right now. It's nice to be out in the field, but for me, this trip also involves going to town to the local university to work in the lab some days. Currently, I've spent more time at a university than out in the rainforest which is not the best for my mental health. When I am away from home, being out in nature is what keeps me sane and happy. At the moment it feels like I am doing the same thing I would be at home, just in a different location and without my usual support network (especially animals). I always miss my animals, but this trip is probably the first field trip where I am noticing how their absence is affecting my demeanour.

Don't get me wrong, it is nice to have a break from the usual stressors of my home life, and it's a lovely little place we are staying in (it has the same number of rooms as my house with the added bonus of a fireplace :)). The people I am on the trip with are also nice, but they are just not the same social therapy that animals provide me. Animals definitely recharge my batteries and help me to keep going, Nothofagus trees are also a good thing to help me keep going. 

Here's an example of how I am responding to the situation I am currently in:

I went to bed at 9.30pm, and I must have become unconscious by 10.30 pm at the latest as I did not see the messages my partner sent around then until this morning. I did not awaken until 8.30 am when someone came and knocked on my door. Albeit I forgot to set my phone alarms and only had my watch alarms (only vibrates), by society's standards should I really be sleeping 10 hours without disturbance straight? My body thinks so, in fact, my body would probably have stayed unconscious for at least another hour. 

So I get up and start to get ready as my trip-mates head off to the lovely rainforest I get to look forward to another day in the lab on a university campus. I enjoy having independence from my trip-mates, but I would rather be out in nature. Then, instead of heading off to uni as soon as possible to get my work done so I can go to the field tomorrow, I start to dawdle and feel really unwell. Not like nausea, just mentally bogged down, on the verge of crying (a rarity for me), with a heavy feeling in my chest, and still quite tired. No one is here, so my automatic mask of being functional is gone and I am left to my own devices. It's almost 10am now, and I will head off soon, but I needed to share how crappy I am feeling right now in the hopes that typing it out will alleviate some of the stress and general 'yuck' feelings I am experiencing.

On a good note, I am relatively headache-free right now, with only a few short attacks yesterday!