Birthday cancelled, to be replaced with many unpleasant emotions...

Oh look it is September, I blinked and winter never existed. Not that it was a cold winter anyway, still very much above the long term average, but apparently a bit cooler than the last couple of years.

The weather is not why I am here though. Of course I am here to complain and whinge, thats what these blogs are right? A recount of my suffering while I pursue a career in academia as an autistic, depressed, anxious, low income, barely any family person, and carer to the only 2 members of my family I have left. Is that a good start to this whinge session? 

The main reason I am here today is because I should be in the Northern Territory with my Herpetology group for a book launch and herping trip right now, but alas I made the decision to pull out because I feel terribly behind on my PhD because I had to pretty much take the past month off. 

This trip was going to be a birthday treat for myself too. I've aways wanted to go to the NT, and with my herp group would have been a fantastic opportunity to actually see wild animals and be able to identify them! The book launch lead by the group that I am a committee member for, and it would have been a great time to network more with experts in the field. 

So why did I give up on this amazing opportunity for myself that was perfectly timed with my birthday? 

Because I had to spend the past month fighting for my family to stay in our house. 

Basically, we got a new tenancy manager, who gave us written notice saying we had 3 breaches of our tenancy all of a sudden. Please note that these three things they listed have been the like this for between 7 and 27 years, approved by previous managers, and one of them is a fix to our house because they couldn't be bothered repairing it for over a decade and it was a health, safety, and hygiene concern for my family. So instead of writing up one of my chapters for my PhD and sending drafts out to my supervisors, I constructed a formal letter disputing the issues. But who do I send it to? The new tenancy manager never gave their details even though the letter stated to contact them any time. We ended up having to contact our previous tenancy manager (still works in the same company, but new position) and asking them to forward it on to the Tenancy manager and their team leader. 

A week goes by, still no response. By now its been 2 weeks since we got the notice, and myself any my family has been super stressed thinking we would have to move, and realising that there is no where in Sydney that we could afford to even rent. So we contact our previous tenancy manager again with - just wondering if anything has progressed, is the inspection still occurring tomorrow? 

No the inspection was cancelled (thanks for letting us know, it's not like we have anything else in life that we cancelled to make time for this). 

We end up setting up a meeting the next week, which should have had our previous tenancy manager, our current tenancy manager and their team leader. 

We go to the meeting with a support worker as a third party to take notes, especially since the company that manages our home almost never puts anything in writing. Our current tenancy manger is apparently sick so doesn't turn up, which in a way made the meeting more pleasant. The two people their start of by apologising for what the tenancy manager wrote and they they are new and still need some training. This was a pleasant surprise, I just wish it hadn't taken almost 3 weeks to find this out. They revoked everything that was in the letter verbally, so that was a huge relief. 

Eventually, this week, my birthday week, we get a written email from the tenancy manager revoking everything they wrote. Only now could we actually relax because we had it in writing. 

"All's well that ends well?" - Well NO!

My family spent almost an entire month freaking out about having to move from a house we've been in for 27 years, with the stress further amplified by the fact there is no way we could afford to rent anywhere in Sydney (which my family needs for medical specialists).

This emotional distress lead to the following:

- the inability to work on my PhD, on campus or at home;
- increased frequency and severity of migraine symptoms;
- increased tension with the support workers that come to help out at home;
- a weakened immune system which lead to me getting sick twice within 3 weeks (I rarely ever get sick), which caused further distress which lead to:
    - not being able to see my partner;
    - increased inability to work on PhD (I could at least read a paper or join an online meeting every so often when I was healthy);
    - inability to sleep properly;
    - increased migraine symptoms even more;

All of the above would just lead to compounding distress overall, on top of the normal amount of stress people have when doing a PhD and caring for family members.

After a horrible month, I decided it was best to try and get back into doing my PhD, rather than going on this wonderful trip that was planned, (also since I'm still not fully recovered from the infections I had). 

I believe I made the right call in the long run, as taking even more time off would just increase my PhD stress even more. However, I also believe I still have the right to be upset and angry at how the circumstances in my life have once again denied me from actually enjoying my life.

Oh did I mention I've had heaps of pimples and its Spring so hay fever symptoms are also becoming more frequent and severe....

Unplanned time off

After a great weekend out herping (searching for amphibians and reptiles) I was absolutely exhausted on Monday. I did not end up driving into campus as it would probably not be the safest for me to be driving for an hour or so. I did some image analysis at home, but the access to the remote system wasn't working very well so I couldn't do much from home. I also kept falling asleep at the computer.

Accepting that I need a day of rest after a weekend with humans, driving for several hours by myself, and just doing any activity is still not easy for me. I want to be able to do more still. A weekend doing something for myself (in this case a herping trip with a society) was great for my mental health, but I am still left completely physically broken afterwards. It is so frustrating. I wish doing things for myself actually recharged my batteries rather than also ran them down. But I guess I'm not in the best place as of late and even these things drain me more than I would like. 

My mental health must really be in a state when even the things that make me mentally feel better are wearing me this thin. My physical health is certainly not blameless though. This increased migraine severity in my mid thirties is certainly a real douze. 

Oh but don't worry my dear readers, the struggles of my life do not end there. My mother tested positive for covid last night, and as someone of high risk we were advised to go to the emergency department at hospital. So we ended up at hospital around 1 am. We saw the nurse and the doctor, all looked good so far, but bloods were taken just to check, that would be an hour before we got the results for that. Almost 2 hours later I asked what was happening, and whilst the bloods were normal, they could not dispense the anti-viral medication until 7-7.30 am. We were finally able to leave the hospital around 8 am. Now as messed up as my sleep and body already were this was the final straw. Around 3.30 am at the hospital I emailed my supervisor requesting sick leave. Even if Mum's covid is manageable and I don't contract it from her, there was no way I could see myself being able to work this week.

Anyway we got home had something to eat and I went to bed somewhere between 9 and 10 am. I may have been in bed for about 10 hours but I only got about 7 - 8 hours sleep, I woke up several times and I also had a massive headache (the chairs at hospital probably aided with this). I eventually give up on sleeping and trying to rest in bed and get up, the massive headache continues. I take something for it but only generic painkillers not migraine meds. It's decreased the pain a little bit but I can feel it's all still there, its just been pushed back a little bit for now. 

It's 11 pm now. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm sick of being in bed and asleep, I want to do stuff, anything, but I also need to have some sort of diurnal schedule as I start my group DBT on Thursday and assuming I don't get covid, I need to get to that in person, it starts at 10 am.

So there we have it, between my own mental and physical health problems with the addition of my a family members health and my carer responsibilities, I have decided to take another week off. Although doing an official request is still confusing to me since my candidature time is still being eaten up when I'm on sick leave - I guess it's for record keeping purposes. 

I can't really concentrate on writing anymore.

Here's a little reminder..

Hello depression

Well, I made it to uni today, not until after 12 pm, but I made it. 

On the drive in today I made the realisation that my main problem at the moment is depression. Not so much anxiety, as is often the case, but the depression part of me has flared up again. Hurrah!

I'm currently at my desk, slowly doing some image analysis, but staying focused is quite hard. It's a simple job, just tedious, but I am just feeling sad, my sadness is barely controllable. I'm trying to distract myself by doing my work, that I REALLY need to do, but I'm physically feeling a heaviness in my chest, and when I stop to breathe I can feel the tears beginning to well up inside. I am barely holding it together, and it is an absolute pain. I just want to be able to do my work!

I have a meeting in less than 2 hours to discuss some lab equipment, how thrilling... It's one of the main reasons I'm actually on campus today. But then If I stayed at home I would feel even worse, and I doubt I would even be acknowledging my emotions. At least I'm out of the house, and trying to get some work done, I'm making an effort. The problem is, I'm always making an effort, and it's absolutely exhausting! 

I took some Rizotriptan last night, my constant headache was getting worse, and I thought I should try and knock it out before it got too severe. I think it did the trick. Less pain today, just the normal amount, lol. Yes, I have to laugh, it's a coping mechanism.

Anyway, I've pretty much finished one analysis in this past hour, time for a food break before the meeting I guess. 

Stretching borrowed time

 Oh my goodness, I am so tired. Even after the long weekend I am not yet recovered from my fieldtrip.

I didn't make it to uni yesterday, I was super tired and had a headache. managed to get here today, but I have noticed the increasingly common behaviour that as soon as I park the car I need to sit in it for about half an hour just to get over the drive. I just don't have the spoons to deal with work and socialising.

I mentioned earlier this year, that I was on borrowed time, I am definitely stretching that borrowed time to the very max now. Just two more months, that's all I need to push through. Today I submitted my request for a leave of absence starting in April. The way the system works it will go until almost the end of June. Three months is more than I initially planned and wanted to take off, but considering how broken I feel most of the time, it is probably very much needed.

During that time I plan on trying to rest and recover, see a new migraine specialist, trial at least one new medication, and have a couple of short holidays away. My GP prescribed a new medication to help with my sleep and possibly my migraine, but I am yet to start it as they said it will make me extra sleepy the first few days of taking it. I certainly don't need extra sleepiness right now. I am hoping to somewhat recover a bit more from my field trip and then start taking it at the end of a working week. 

I also still need to go get my blood tests and a CT scan. I was going to get my blood tests this week but then my uterus decided to punish me for not making a baby, so I should probably wait before I get more blood removed from my body, especially considering my current exhaustion. 

On a completely different note, I am already getting excited for Eurovision! I rarely get excited for things, but Eurovision is a constant good thing in my life. I'm semi-following Norway's 'Melodi Grand Prix', Ukraine's 'Vidbir', and Lithuania's 'Eurovizja'. I have never really followed the Eurovision selection process in other countries before, but several artists I follow are competing in the aforementioned contests; Keiino, Melovin, and The Roop, respectively. 

Aw, my partner just sent me the best message regarding my taking leave: "it sucks that it has come to that", the exact acknowledgement that I need 💓

Fieldtrip pros and cons

I just had my first fieldtrip of the year, and it was fairly eventful.

After two days of travel we got to this pretty cool place we were staying. It had a self composting toilet, that had absolutely no odour! There were other cool things too, but the toilet was definitely a highlight, lol. 

Photo: The toilet and some of the rest of the bathroom.

Now the actual field days maybe not so much of a highlight at times.

Day 1.

• We got the branches I needed to take back to the lab - good
• A dead branch fell on my head - bad

Day 2

• The river was above the causeways, we could still cross safely in the Landcrusier - good
• The rain continued to get heavier so we decided to head back incase the river got higher so in the end we drove out there and did no work this day - bad but we were safe so good
• Sorting through equipment back at the accommodation we found we did not have enough dendrometer bands - bad
• Not being able to do field work gave us the time we needed to the shops to try and repair some of our equipment - good

Photo: One of the causeways.

Day 3

• We were able to get two of out plots done, and finished by 3 pm - good
• We could not drive back as a big tree has fallen on the road while we were in the field - bad
• We had no reception and had to walk for an hour as the rain got heavier - bad
• one car didn't even slow down to see if we were okay as we walked in the rain - bad
• Thankfully some locals stopped and were able to drive us for about 5 minutes, they didn't have a 4WD so couldn't take us too far - good
• We have a good contact who could come and cut up the tree with two chainsaws, and an axe and log splitter that same afternoon - good
• Found a leech friend on my arm - bad

Photos: The tree blocking our road, and the two chainsaws needed to get through the tree.

Day 4

• Collected some more branches to take back to the lab, and picked up the rest of our team - good
• Found a bunch of dried blood in my hairline behind my ear, I obviously has=d another leech the day before - bad

Day 5

• We were able to get 3 plots completed with the whole team together - good
• Heaps more leeches - bad
• Extremely high humidity leading to lots of sweating and me not being able to drink enough to keep up, which lead to painful migraine symptoms - bad
• Had a very knowledgeable local person with us who knew where a clean creek was that we could drink from - good
• A jack-jumper type ant decided to sting me through my trousers - bad

Day 6

• The team headed up to our furthest sites which requited us to cross the state border, thankfully the migraine meds I took the night before reduced the severity of my symptoms and allowed me to drive up for the two hours - good
• Once we got to the sites there was A LOT of mud to drive through, on slopes too, it took us over an hour to get to the sites they would normally be only about 10 min away by car - bad
• Thankfully, the team was able to squeeze into one vehicle and our one experienced 4WDriver could get us and all of our gear up the hill - good
• We still had to get out and push at times though - bad
• Got stung for the first time ever by Dendrocnide excelsa . A small one got me in the knee through my trousers, which meant the invisible hairs were stinging me repeatably as I walked around. There was no way I was going to work with bare legs though. - bad
• Thankfully, this site also has plenty of Alocasia spp.  growing around which can be used to remove the tiny invisible stinging hairs and soothe the pain. - good
• Had an awesome dinner at a coworkers place that night - good

Photo: Muddy beginning of our journey into the National Park, also the border fence between states.

Day 7

• The river was finally low enough that we could cross safely by foot to get to our remaining plots  and finish them - good
• Still plenty of leeches around, mozzies too - bad
• Managed to cut myself deeper than usual with a razor blade whilst working with my plant samples - bad
• Burnt myself on the kettle making tea - bad
• Completed doing my vessel lengths today - good

Day 8

• Since we had completed all of our plot work, we had a little time to do a short walk to some waterfalls today - good
• Accidentally left my seedlings in the sun, and they got pretty toasted - bad
• Went to the lab and downloaded all my data, unfortunately it looks like there was some faulty equipment so I will need to collect more replicates next time - bad

Photo: Protester Falls.

So that was the fieldtrip, the next day was a full day of driving. We did it all in one day since there were three of us to drive back. Very exhausting still.

Overall we got a lot of things done, not as much as we wanted, the high priority things were achieved :) 

Still alive, barely

Well, it's certainly been, what's the current saying "a hot minute"? since I last wrote here.

Things mentally and physically have been going downhill since June last year. 

I took a week or two off from uni in October, which was nice and kept me going for the rest of the year. However, it lasted only a short time and by the beginning of December, I was pretty burnt out again. 

Christmas was pretty awful. It was nice to have time off uni, but I've been looking forward to Christmas less and less every year for a while now. This year just reinforced that. I was very much exhausted, had no social battery left, and got pretty bad migraine symptoms on Christmas day itself. 

Migraine for me has been getting more frequent and more intense this past 7-12 months. I rarely ever got nausea, but now it's a regular symptom. I have found if I allow myself to vomit it does relieve some of the pain for a while though. 

I'm still seeing my physiotherapist or remedial masseuse almost weekly, however, that no longer seems to be enough to manage my pain anymore. I have read online that migraines do get more severe in your thirties, so I'm guessing my age might have something to do with it, and of course the increasing physical and mental exertion of doing a PhD.

A bit more on the emotional/mental health side of things, I've been going through a lot of 'self-discovery' for lack of a better term since June last year. I've been seeing a psychologist on top of the counselor at uni. The counselor at uni is great for the surface problems, but the psychologist makes me think and feel deeper about things, that I have ignored and disregarded about myself. 

There's certainly been some unexpected insights from seeing this particular psychologist, it's been a weird and at times challenging ride so far - as I'm sure I've touched upon in previous posts. I think we're getting to a place where I'm willing to address some things that I wasn't before. I know I'm running the risk of getting hurt by doing this (for several reasons), however, I'm almost ready to take that step of 'faith' so to speak. There are still a few things I am unsure about, that I feel I should address with the psychologist during our next meeting, but whether I do or do not at the time is another challenge in itself. 

I am looking into taking 4-8 weeks off from my PhD around this April. I just can't keep doing this. My sleep is ineffective, I have pains in my body almost constantly, and on top of my usual mental health battles and these new challenges arising, I'm constantly running on empty. I'm hoping to book in to see a neurologist, let's hope the waiting lists are not too long!

Work-wise I think my PhD is going okay, I spoke with my main supervisor yesterday and mentioned I might need a break and they were fine with that. I do have a field trip starting this Saturday. This field trip is to the same place I went to last June when everything started to unravel for me, so I am a bit fearful of how I will cope, especially given my decreasing overall health. 

I did have almost 48 hours of reprieve recently. A combination of finally doing Body Combat again (one of the best therapies out there for me), taking myself on a short solo walk, and having some deep conversations with my pairbond, resulted in me feeling good, capable, and less broken. So this time 3 days of work on myself led to almost 2 days of good health. I knew I was on borrowed time though, and I could sense when it was coming to an end. 

This field trip is very important though, and as usual, I will power through to benefit my research, even if it comes at a cost to myself. Like I did after doing Body Combat last week where I knew that my migraine symptoms would be triggered, I could even feel it starting during the class but kept going. I wasn't completely idiotic about it, after the class, I took a long bath with magnesium salts, I did not drink any alcohol, and I took my rizatriptan before I went to sleep. I didn't expect these actions to work so well, I still experienced excessive tiredness and pain, but nowhere to the extent I have in the past. I could actually get out of bed and go for a walk later that day. I am hoping I can manage this field trip's physical pains similarly, but I'm still uncertain about how I will go emotionally.

Gym and bureaucracy

It's been 5 weeks! I finally got back to gym last night. The past 5 weeks I've either been away, sick, or cramping. Finally I was able to get back to Body Balance last night. I forgot what a buzz I can get after going to the gym. More often than not, it is definitely a mood booster for me. I even woke up with my abs hurting a little bit :) Which means I was exercising right :) Hehe. 

I'm finally back at uni today. Albeit, I didn't get in until like 12:30, at least I got here right? I've been working in the lab today, downloading lots of data and packing up my branches I had set up for measurements the past week. I got into the lab and it was 28 degrees Celsius again, I swear the people here must be trying to kill me. I set it back down to 22 deg C, but with in an hour or so it reverted to 28 deg C again. I think I've changed it so it will revert back to 22 deg C if it is changed temporarily. Why would someone set it to 28 deg C to begin with? No where in the world is that comfortable indoor working conditions. No wonder my branches dried up so fast! If it changes back again any time soon, I am going to have to complain to someone. I have no idea who, everything at my current uni is assumed knowledge and most of what I have found out I have had to learn either via making mistakes or asking people several times directly. 

This university is very laid back in some ways, which is kind of nice, but it definitely needs more structure for me. But then on the other hand to get any form of approval for expenses or field trips you have to submit the same forms at least two times to different offices/people for approval. Why must I complete the same paperwork twice? It is so inefficient. Whilst at my previous university it was harder to get permission because of risk assessments, and they even failed to enroll me properly once, it was much more organised and straight forward. I would know what else I needed to do to get approval. Where I am currently, I ask the finance team what approval I need and they don't tell me. Instead the next week I get another email asking me why I haven't got approval, and I have to ask them again what the second approval is that I need. 

Let's get back to a happier topic - gym! Hopefully, I can get back into the habit of regularly going again. I would love to be able to go 3-4 times a week, but let's aim for once a week for now. Some time in the past few weeks I even looked up doing some capoeira classes, however, there were no beginner adult classes anywhere near my home or my work place. Perhaps I should try and pick up Body Combat or Body Pump to get my heart rate up some more. Again, they will be additional classes to my Body Balance that I need to get back into doing first. At least with Body Balance I generally do get severe migraine symptoms afterwards. That's one of the reasons I quit Body Combat, which I really enjoyed. Perhaps now I am seeing a physio and remedial masseuse regularly it won't be as bad?

Speaking of migraine, thankfully my symptoms have not been that bad lately. I have had some mild headaches and neck pain, but, considering the amount of stress and driving I have been doing it has been quite the miracle! Sunday evening my brain was pretty foggy after work, I think everything from the previous 2 weeks of non-stop doing things and a family death had finally caught up to me, but again no severe migraine which was great :)

Monday night I even fell asleep on the 2-seater couch that is definately too short to lay straight on. I passed out around 8 pm and didn't get up again until past 8 am. I woke up a few times but I just rotated and went back to sleep, I was way too exhausted to get up and go to bed even. I did notice my lower back aching a bit, but once I got up it appeared to improve. Again, despite not even having a proper pillow, I had no migraine symptoms the next day! I did decide to work at home another day though.

Well, I better wrap things up for now and try and do some more work whilst my data is downloading still. This is why I am currently on two laptops, so I can actually do something. 

Ta Ta For Now.

Driving all the time

This past week and next few days a very busy and exhausting.

Let's start with last Saturday.

Time to drive 5.5 hrs to my field site. Albeit I love the field and this site is one of my absolute favourite places, the drive is long, and as the only driver it feels longer. It was a bit of  slow start as we had to make a few stops along the way to pick up various things, but we got there in the end. The end was around 9 pm to a cabin in the forest. Strangely I wasn't very cold. We eventually got the car unpacked, the camp unlocked, and the gas fridge started. We had dinner in the town we bought groceries in so at least we had eaten. I had a fair bit of trouble getting to sleep that night though. Which is pretty strange for me when I am at this particular field site. I didn't get to bed until close to midnight, but I remember looking at the time and it was like 3am before I had gone to sleep. I guess there was a lot on my mind. 

- I had a volunteer I barely knew, who is also new to the country, but thankfully has field experience elsewhere in the world. 

- This was the first field trip I was leading in over 3 years. 

- There had just been a death in the family and I was debating whether or not I could make it to the funeral which is at least another 5 hours from my home, and also 5 hours from the field site, not that I could drive straight from the field in a uni vehicle and with my volunteer. 

- I also had a bunch of unhelpful emotional personal life things going through my head that were unrelated and very unhelpful too

Sunday, as usual the first day in the field is always a slow start, but we got done what we needed. However, then it started to rain. We were coming back on a tricky road and the vehicle literally slide sideways like a crab. There was a bit of a drop off the edge too, but thankfully there was a log that helped keep us up. The car wasn't rocking or anything, but we waited out in the rain for help rather than in the car to be safe. The nearest town is between 60-90 mins away and with the rain the guy we called would have to drive a bit slower, so we were out in the rain for almost 2 hours. The guy that came was really good and knew what he was doing and it all went well. Still had a bit of trouble going to sleep but definitely not as bad. I still had a lot of the same stuff on my mind, but I did some 'journaling' too.

Monday, we went out and located my species and replicates to collect later. However, we decided to call the trip early due to the rain. One of the reasons why I scheduled the trip in August was because Winter is the dry season, and I wanted to get hydraulic threshold measurements. Doing these measurements in the rain means my plants are under no water stress and it would be fairly pointless to measure. I brought a bottle of wine up, so we drank that , since it was our last night there. The wine definitely helped me get to sleep. Still did some journaling to try and keep the thoughts at bay. 

Tuesday, we packed up the camp, we collected my samples, so they would be as fresh as possible and we headed off. We made pretty good time, and got back to the uni by 5pm. I was the only driver as my volunteer hasn't got an Australian license yet, so I was pretty happy that I made it back in good time. I put my samples in the cool room and then my partner picked me up and we had yummy Indian food. It was nice to go out to dinner with them and spend time with them, with me being away for a few days and prior to that being sick, we haven't spent much time together lately.

Wednesday, I had a a bit of a sleep in and got to uni by midday. Then worked in the lab setting up my branch samples until about 8pm. If the instruments worked well I would have been able to leave earlier, but I had to restart and replace things a couple of times. By now it had been decided that I was driving my mother and I to where our family funeral was on Thursday, so once I got home I had to unpack from my field trip and pack for a funeral.

Thursday, was another day of driving for me, as Mum can't drive much. But we got up here in decent time still. In time to go to the local shops and grab some food. I used remote desktop to check how my measurements back at the lab were going. I eventually got connected with the motel wifi, but my measurements were going strange. I have taken measurements on this species from my other sites before so I was a bit worried and confused last night. I'm wondering if someone has turned up the air conditioning, and it is too hot in the lab for my species, so their drying out is accelerated. When I got into the lab on Wednesday it was 28 degrees Celsius, which is way to hot for not only my plants, but me too. So i put it back down to 22 deg C, so I could work. I sent an email at midnight to a post doc about my concerns.

Friday, is today. The funeral was today. I've definitely used a whole lot of spoons socialising though. My branches are at least generally consistent with the readings for the night before. So I'm not really thinking about it much for now.

Saturday, tomorrow, I will already be heading back home. This time by myself. 

Sunday, I have a 4 hour job.

Monday, it's back to the uni office again, right? Or the lab, likely. 

Okay, so this isn't a very deep post, but I kind of feel it is important to me just to record the exhausting things I am going through. Driving at least 6 hours 3 times within 5 days, a field trip that didn't go as planned, a death in the family, and still trying to stay mentally sane and do work on my PhD, it quite a lot to go through. I need to acknowledge that. I just wish other people understood how much I go through at times and that's why I may not be as "productive" or "social" or "energetic" as the majority of my colleagues. 

On the plus side of the past week, I've been relatively migraine symptom free :)

Another hit? and some reflection

Well, I've just had another hit of the feel-good hormones in my brain... It's interesting how just having a conversation can do that sometimes. This time it has left a bit of a different impression on me though. 

Not quite as Spongebob-by, but still nice.

It will be interesting to see how long this hit lasts and whether it has the same effects. The previous, let's call it 'happy hit' for now, was quite noticeable for about a week, but it also carried over into a second week if I assess myself properly and compare it to this week. 

This week my mood was much more "normal" for me. I sometimes forget how 'down' my 'normal' is. Even this last week wasn't as bad as what the average 'normal' has been for me this year. 

Reflecting on this year, I have been pretty broken to be honest. How I manage to do things sometimes is beyond me. 

I have only officially taken 1 week of sick leave, however, if you look at the hours and days I actually spend 'working' on my PhD, it has to be significantly less than what is expected of a "full time" student. 

The thing is I'm not even overly behind in anything really. Yes, okay I could have a longer and more through literature review by now, but that is really the only thing that I feel is not good enough. 

Perhaps it is just because I am in a good mood right now but looking back on my year, I have still been fairly busy with my PhD, work and family. Lots of people are repeatedly telling me I don't give myself enough credit. I guess my "normal" self just refuses to accept it. I know I do all of these things, but I kind of only feel like I'm actually seeing them for what they are at this moment. 

I have also reached another level of acceptance this year in regard to suffering from migraine. In part because I understand it more, thanks Simone from Voyager for sharing a bit of your story, this encouraged me to look into it more myself. I understand more about myself and what my triggers are now because of this as well as age and experience.

Speaking of which, my head has actually started to hurt recently. I've been working in a park and now I'm at the library, so my posture probably hasn't been the best. I also had my remedial massage this morning, which sometimes when the deeper muscles have been worked on can also trigger pain.  

I've lost my focus on this entry now, and I want to finish reading a paper before I head home. I will spend the rest of my spoons on the paper and getting home. 

 

It's over and I'm normal again

My serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin levels are back to normal again. Normal for me that is. Which is likely lower than the "norm". I guess that's why I'm on an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor).

SSRI's stops my blood from absorbing all of the serotonin in my brain, leaving higher levels of the hormone in my brain to help relieve my anxiety and depression. 

I've been on the same meds for around 16 years now. I haven't experimented with the dosage in ages. That was done in the early years. Let's say I am on 2 now. A higher dosage of 3 did not make a difference, but a lower dose of 1 did. Not sure if hanging the dose now would make any difference, or perhaps even trying a different type of medication. Stressors increase with life, they change, but they certainly increase with the added responsibility. I just don't have the time to see a psychiatrist (that has at least a 6 month waiting period). Also, I am hesitant to potentially make things worse whilst I have so much going on. However, when will I have less going on? When I finish my PhD? perhaps, for a short period of time, but I'm sure other factors in my life will change by then. 

I can talk about it with my counsellor and psychologist, even my GP, but only a psychiatrist has the ability to change my meds if needed. The most I can do is slightly increase the dosage of the current medication and monitor myself. I would ideally consult my GP whilst doing so. 

I've been meaning to book an appointment with them for a while, but everything is so busy, and seeing mental health professionals has been prioritised. They know me better, they just cannot prescribe meds. 

My head is hurting again too. Which goes hand in hand with my mood. It is a positive feed back loop, with my head pain amplifying my low mood, and likely my low mood amplifying my head pain. But remember, this is the norm for me, so I just have to get used to it again. 

I am looking forward to seeing the psychologist again in  couple of weeks, since they were a factor in getting me out of my normal slump, I am curious to see if they alone are enough to do so again. This time I am not house sitting so, there is a significant change in my environment. 

As mentioned previously, I am very aware of the thin line existing between me percieving the relationship as more than professional. I think I first became aware of the transferance over a year ago, and have since done my own research into it to better understand it. I have only just started seeing them for myself in the past week. We had one session just the two of us I think early last year, and I did not go back to a one on one session since. I only joined in on a couple of family sessions between then and last week (which was generally fine). So I have had plenty of time to sort through what is going on in my head in regards to them. 

I like to go into most things in life knowing as much as I can, and being prepared. This trait of mine is what likely makes me hesitant about medication trials. Not just for my anxiety and depression, but also migraine. Not knowing how my body will react with different medication, and knowing there are potentially negative side effects and reactions certainly makes me question if the negatives outweigh the potential benefits.

It's strange, because overall I enjoy doing new things, but I guess most of them have little chance of being bad. Chance of being neutral is often there, which does not seem to bother me. 

I am thinking I should finish this up here, as I have not done any work in 1 hour and 15 minutes. Although this did include lunch, bathroom, and making coffee, I know I need to do more work . If I don't do any work, my state of being will lower ecen more and feed into that positive feedback loop I was talking about before. 

A good week?!

Wow, so this week has been a strange one for me. As in, I think it's been good?! What the hell is good?! It's really freaky to be honest. I've felt productive, I've woken up before 9 am and not been completely exhausted, I'm generally in a good mood. 

I've been house sitting for the past ten days, only to finish yesterday. So this has definitely lifted my mood. Let me breakdown how this is good for me:

• Being in a house by myself (happiness ++)

• Three cats, 2 of which like me, and one of those I have chosen to be my cat girlfriend many years ago <3 (happiness +, social +)

• Three chickens, one of which used to be my chicken (happiness +, social +)

• Dishwasher (happiness +, comfort +)

• Spacey kitchen (happiness +, mental health +) room to cook nice meals (happiness +, physical health +)

• heating (happiness +, physical health +, comfort +)

• desk space and monitor to work comfortably from home (mental health +, comfort +, health +)

• access to Netflix, allowing me to watch season 2 of a series I first watched in 2020 (happiness +)

• pillow that is more comfortable than my own (physical health +), this means less migraine symptoms (comfort +) - I need to buy one of these, it sort of looks like the image below.

But more has happened that has also likely influenced my mood.

I was unable to meet with my uni counsellor the other week when I was very bad. So I contacted the psychologist that my family has worked with before to see if they had time. I have met up with my counsellor just over a week ago, which kind of helped, but I have also met up with the psychologist this Monday as well. I pretty much spoke to them both about the same thing that was my last post, fairly cat focused. However, after going over it again on Monday with someone else, I have been feeling good. Lets break down why this might be the case.

• talking through my problems yet again, getting more validation and acknowledgement about my life situation
• Psychologist is private, not uni associated. The session could be about whatever I wanted with no mention of uni work if I so desired. 
• Less time to travel getting the psychologist than the uni
• They have worked with members of my family for more than 5 years at least, so they know a lot of what my life involves already
• they are male, and I always get on better with males than females
• I feel easily very comfortable with them, its like chatting with a friend 

= Psychologist (mental health ++, social +)

I know they cannot be my "friend" per say, they are a health professional and I am their client. We have similar interests as well, which also can blur the lines a little sometimes. I have been aware of this for a while and it's the reason why I was not seeing them already. I quite self-aware that I could be projecting a relationship that did not exist, so I was avoiding one on one sessions with them for a while. I brought this up on Monday too, and they totally get it. It feels good to have brought it up and have yet more feelings acknowledged and validated. 

One last thing, my supervisor is away for a month, so I feel less pressured with my PhD :)

So overall:

happiness = 9+

social = 3+

comfort = 3+

health = 7+

Now how do I keep getting these positives in my life? What happens now I am back home and the negatives are loitering just around the corner? 

I'm not going to spend too much time on those thoughts, I have the motivation to do other important things, like my PhD, so let's just ride the motivation train for now?

How I came to see the spoons in my life

Spoon theory is often used by people with chronic illness, whether it be physical or mental. These people are known to be referred to as 'spoonies'. 

I've known about spoon theory since the beginning of covid, however, I at the time I was not able to apply it to my life.  After this past week I totally understand the concept of spoon theory and can 100% apply it to my life right now.

It all started last week. Monday I had a bad migraine in the field and had to stay in the car while the others did work. I was NOT able to function at all! Luckily, I took some Rizatriptan with me and I was able to get back to work the next day. I was really looking forward to the next days we were visiting a National Park I had not yet been to, we were meeting up with some botanists, and I just enjoy being in the field.

I managed to hold myself physically together with only mild headache and related symptoms for the rest of the field trip, however, emotionally I soon reached my limit.

Tuesday night I got the message that one of my cats had escaped and not come home. I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night. I was waking up almost every hour and having to check my phone to see if he had returned home. For Wednesday's fieldwork I was wrecked. With a lack of quality sleep, in addition to my post migraine symptoms, on top of that I was barely holding it together emotionally. Even with my lack of focus I managed to work with the team to get what we needed done by lunch time. After lunch I went into the local university to pack up my lab set up.

On the way to the university, a couple of stops to breathe, and a lot of music helped me to get there. Once I was there I was able to mostly focus on packing up my gear and downloading some data. As soon as I got into the car to leave all the worry and anxiety about my cat was back. I rang my mum and my partner while I had reception to find out what was happening and it was just nice to talk rather than messaging all the time. After those phone calls I sat in the car crying and having a mini breakdown. Once I was done I treated myself with an ice-cream, and went back to the accommodation with my field team. 

Once back in the company of humans, I automatically went back into full mask mode where I appeared to be functional and not showing that I was on the edge. Thankfully, I was messaged by my home crew (mum and my partner) that they found the cat up in a tall tree. They couldn't get him to come down but I could physically feel the relief run through me. I had no more pains in my chest and no more nausea. I got to sleep a little easier that night, even though the cat was still not home safe, as at least I knew he was alive and in the area. I still woke up a couple of times after I got to sleep, and thankfully around 3 am I woke up to a "he's home" message. Afterwards, I did not wake up until the morning. 

By now it was Thursday and time to head back to Sydney, which was 8 - 10 hours drive away. Good thing I got some sleep the previous night! 

Unfortunately, it was just the eye of the storm for my emotional ordeal that week. After a few hours of the journey I get a call from mum about booking in my eldest cat in to see the vet as he was very wobbly on his feet. I try not to make too much of it for the next couple of hours, but I make sure I am not driving when the appointment was so I could hopefully speak to the vet. This particular vet and I communicate quite well. The storm starts again when the vet mentions that it may be the beginning of the end in regards to my precious eldest cat. Pretty much straight after I got off the phone, it was my turn to drive for the next 3 hours. This was probably a good thing as it gave me something to focus on rather than my cat's health. The drive went well, and we parted ways once we got to where I had parked my car. I then headed home for the final part of my journey. 

I get home. I carry a couple of things into the house, leaving my door open and the car light on, thinking I would continue to unpack the car. I went down to see my baby boy and he was not well. He was very wobbly, walking strange, and not interested in the food he was given. I could not leave his side, not even to get my bags in from the car. My partner arrived soon after, and he and my mother unpacked the car, and set up a floor bed in mum's room where my cat sleeps (I can't have him in my bedroom as he does not get on with the other cats, and it is the coldest room in the house). During this time of them helping me with basic things I broke, I completely broke. I could not do this anymore, I was exhausted. I got some sleep that night, but woke regularly to check on my cat. 

The next day my cat was showing signs of improvement. I had increased his medication, I was hand feeding him, and I was keeping him company (which he loves). He was still a bit wobbly but much better than the night before, where he looked like he had almost given up. I was able to separate myself from him for a bit over an hour to get to my remedial massage appointment, at which I was told my body is bad again. I think I then got home and took a nap with him. 

Again, that is not all, it's only Friday still. Day three. So that evening we get a knock on our door, our neighbour that I've known for about 25 years had passed. Not too surprising, he was in his 70's with chronic health problems, but still it was a bit of a shock. As he lived alone his pet bird is now at our house, although we don't really have the room for it, and did I mention the cats? A bunch of other things that were his are also at house that sister gave us, some consumables like food and toilet paper, also some blankets and towels that we are looking at donating to an animal shelter or vets. Back to Friday night, we spent a couple of hours helping his sister organise some things and then again on Saturday. 

Thankfully my cat was still improving so I could do some of the things I had planned and needed to do at university. Late Sataurday afternoon I finally had the chance to head out to the university to attend my live plant samples and set them up in the lab. Fortunately, my partner offered to drive me out to uni and keep me company while I worked. So from about 5.30 pm to 9 pm I worked. I did not get to do everything I needed to but I did what I could. 

Sunday I was dead, I needed to sleep. My cat was improving still which was great, but I still decided to sleep on mums floor to be with him. Mum's partner brought over a small air mattress for me to use, and that has very much helped with the comfort. I think it was around today that the spoon theory clicked with my situation. I had no spoons to deal with anything.

Monday I had prebooked a counselling appointment, just my regular meet up that helps me to function with my crazy life. However, that morning I got a message saying it needed to be rescheduled. Well, there goes that outlet, although I did get to stay in bed with my cat a bit longer that morning. I got to uni around 12.30 pm and did some more lab work. I left around 4.30 pm to get to a reptile society committee meeting that was thankfully in my local area. I had a pub dinner and slept on mums floor again.

Tuesday and Wednesday I got to uni at 2 pm. Both days just in time for a meeting. Then I went back to the lab again. Tuesday was my brothers birthday so we got some take out to have at home. I also messaged my brothers psychologist asking if he had some time for me this week, but unfortunately not. Wednesday, the reptile society was having a book launch so I went to that and helped out a little. Wednesday I survived of a mocha and a few snacks all day. I did not eat anything else when I finally got home, I just went to sleep on mums floor.

We are finally at Thursday, today. I got to uni around 2.30 pm, sat in my car for about an hour eating some lunch I brought from home and playing on my phone. Then I went back to the lab and finished doing some more of my work. I got home around 8 pm, heated up a frozen mac and cheese, and decided it was time to use this outlet to get out some what's been going on with me. 

My next counselling appointment is hopefully next Monday. I have also booked in with my brothers psychologist for the week after. He has seen my whole family before, and the familiarity with our situation I feel is a good reason for me to update him a little bit with what's going on. I have a lot going on that I have mentioned here, but with my life there is always more and I need to talk through it.

I have been tracking my spoons for the past few days with an app. I have come to realise it uses a spoon just for me to get up in the morning, another to get dressed and at least 2 more just to drive out to the university. There are only 12 spoons in a day and one third is used up before I even start working on my PhD. Tracking my spoons has helped me to realised how fragile I actually am right now and is helping me to acknowledge how hard it is for me to do basic things like, get dressed in the morning.

Fieldtrip but not in the field

 It's been a little while since I've posted. That doesn't mean everything is going great or that everything is going horribly, it just means I've been very busy and I haven't had the time of motivation to write here even though it can help me deal with what's going on.

I'm on a field trip right now. It's nice to be out in the field, but for me, this trip also involves going to town to the local university to work in the lab some days. Currently, I've spent more time at a university than out in the rainforest which is not the best for my mental health. When I am away from home, being out in nature is what keeps me sane and happy. At the moment it feels like I am doing the same thing I would be at home, just in a different location and without my usual support network (especially animals). I always miss my animals, but this trip is probably the first field trip where I am noticing how their absence is affecting my demeanour.

Don't get me wrong, it is nice to have a break from the usual stressors of my home life, and it's a lovely little place we are staying in (it has the same number of rooms as my house with the added bonus of a fireplace :)). The people I am on the trip with are also nice, but they are just not the same social therapy that animals provide me. Animals definitely recharge my batteries and help me to keep going, Nothofagus trees are also a good thing to help me keep going. 

Here's an example of how I am responding to the situation I am currently in:

I went to bed at 9.30pm, and I must have become unconscious by 10.30 pm at the latest as I did not see the messages my partner sent around then until this morning. I did not awaken until 8.30 am when someone came and knocked on my door. Albeit I forgot to set my phone alarms and only had my watch alarms (only vibrates), by society's standards should I really be sleeping 10 hours without disturbance straight? My body thinks so, in fact, my body would probably have stayed unconscious for at least another hour. 

So I get up and start to get ready as my trip-mates head off to the lovely rainforest I get to look forward to another day in the lab on a university campus. I enjoy having independence from my trip-mates, but I would rather be out in nature. Then, instead of heading off to uni as soon as possible to get my work done so I can go to the field tomorrow, I start to dawdle and feel really unwell. Not like nausea, just mentally bogged down, on the verge of crying (a rarity for me), with a heavy feeling in my chest, and still quite tired. No one is here, so my automatic mask of being functional is gone and I am left to my own devices. It's almost 10am now, and I will head off soon, but I needed to share how crappy I am feeling right now in the hopes that typing it out will alleviate some of the stress and general 'yuck' feelings I am experiencing.

On a good note, I am relatively headache-free right now, with only a few short attacks yesterday!

Another intense week...

So, I made it back to uni Mon- Weds this week! This is a bit of an achievement for me. After being away for so long it feels weird in many ways. The weirdest feeling is the social aspect of it. Seeing people after so long, and some of them wondering where you have been and having to explain a certain amount to them is always a bit scary. I am thankful I actually have a physical problem (migraines) and not just autistic problems and carers responsibilities, since people seem to understand physical problems so much better. As progressive as society is in some ways, I would not be able to explain my autism properly in a way that others would even begin to comprehend, especially since I present so well. I am a master at masking not just my autism, but also all my other stresses, responsibilities, depression and even my physical pains. Something else the majority of people my age and younger don't understand is carers responsibilities. Almost everyone here that I have spoken only has themselves to worry about. They have no dependents, and as such the only financial and time related responsibilities have been self-related. I mention that I help care for my family and they can't even comprehend what I mean by that. They are fortunate enough to either not have disabled family members or have other family members that can care for them. I have been asked why I don't just leave my family to look after themselves with the public health systems to help them out? Anyone who has delt with the public health system knows it does not properly support low-income people with non-physical disabilities. 

In other news, one of my 3-year-old boys got a urinary blockage and had to spend a couple of days at the vet. He is home now seeming happy, and his brother is definitely much happier to have him home! He had to spend time at a 24/7 emergency vet clinic, they wanted to keep him a couple more nights, but thankfully they let me take him to my normal vet after the first night. This made the vet bill more than 10 times cheaper! My Youngest girl (who acts like the boys) also had a dental procedure last week. She is less than a year old and has already had to have teeth removed. They said she probably would not want to eat that night. but as soon as I brought her home, she went straight to the food bowl and was eating! Both of these cats really love their food! 

Saturday was Mum's 60th afternoon tea that I organised. It seemed to go well with people enjoying themselves. Only after the last guest left did I realise how much physical pain I was in though. While I was busy making food, and entertaining people I totally blocked out any headaches I had. I also realised once they left that I had only sat down maybe 2 minutes over the past 4 hours or so and my feet and lower back were quite sore.

Lastly, I had a short work shift on Sunday. I was thinking, great its a short day and I can have half a day at home to recover after the week. Of course that didn't happen. I was using the work car and got a flat tyre. Being a Sunday, there were no tyre shops open anywhere where I was, and NRMA could only tow me to the tyre shop and leave me there, with all the animals in the car. Thankfully my wonderful partner gave up his day off to come and get me and the critters to take us back to where they live and to where my car was. 

So I'm back at Uni today and have a whole week of PhD work to do again, with no time to actually rest. I do have a couple of science talks in a pub I will be going to which I will enjoy. However, while I may be doing enjoyable activities, I am still not getting to actually sit down and do nothing but rest. I still have on and off headaches of varying degrees of pain, but thankfully no debilitating migraine symptoms for a maybe a week. I can also be thankful for having perfect eyes. I had an optometrist appointment last week and they did several different tests, and I was perfect for them all! I even got to see behind/inside my eyes :D That was really cool!

Here is a picture of what it kind of looked like (not my eye):

What a week

Last week was all over the place. I did not take sick leave as I only get 10 days per year. I stayed home all week though, and barely did any work. Here's how the following days played out.

Monday

I woke up at 4.30 am and decided to feed my cat. She ate her food like a good girl, then around 5 am she had a heart attack and passed in my arms. Following that event, my migraine came back. There was no way I was going to uni. Around 8.30 am I finally was able to get back to sleep. I woke up around 1 pm and don't know what I did for the rest of the day. I did take some of my new migraine meds and the pain went away :). No work was achieved this day. 

Tuesday

I was not going into uni today either as we scheduled to bury my cat when Mum, me, and our partners were all available that afternoon. I had my counseling appointment via Zoom. I  started to organise some of my calendars, but no other work was achieved this day. I also was not up to going to the gym even.

Wednesday

I woke up to my 5 am alarm to watch Eurovision Semi-final 1. This is good, I will talk about Eurovision more later though. Once it finished around 7 am, I went back to bed. I probably woke around 12 or 1 pm and by now I was thinking "There is no point in going to uni this week is there?" I was still working through my grief, the exhaustion, and pain from having a migraine the past 10 days added to the exhaustion of worrying and caring for my cat. I had no ability to focus and no motivation. I did manage to get to the gym in the evening though :)

Thursday

My body and head were in pain, but nowhere near as much as the previous week or Monday. No uni work was done today but I met up with my Supervisor for my casual job for a couple of hours and worked through what we needed to. I did also send a couple of emails to my uni supervisors. In the evening I took my to a comedy event. The event was good, I just wish I didn't have to drive as I noticed a did a few things I would not normally have done if I were functioning properly. 

Friday

I had my alarms set for 5 am to watch Eurovision semi-final 2. Unfortunately, I didn't get up until 5.15 am so I missed the first 2 and a half performances :(. Thankfully, Australia was the final performance so I didn't miss them. Once this finished at 7 am I went back to bed, but only for a couple of hours, as I had scheduled things for the day. I met with my main supervisor over Zoom to catch up. Then I finally had my remedial massage, I had been waiting all week for this appointment with all my aches and pains. Despite the pain, my body isn't as bad as it used to be when I first started treatment a couple of years ago. My superficial muscles are still moveable! The reason I am feeling pain in new places is because my nerves now have access to blood flow. When I first went she could not get into my deep muscles as my superficial muscles were so bad, and also my muscles were cold with a lack of blood flow.  I also managed to do about an hour of uni work, reading, and a little bit of writing :).

Eurovision

The Grand final was 5 am - 9.15 am Sunday morning, and luckily I woke up in time to watch the entire thing live and vote :D.

Now Eurovision is very important for my mental health. You may be thinking "Why would you wake up at 5 am if you don't need to? Especially when you are exhausted and in physical pain!", but I need to for my own happiness. Eurovision is one of the few things I actually look forward to, I generally don't look forward to much in life as I end up getting let down a lot, but Eurovision has never failed me. 

I also much prefer to watch things live, or when they are first released if they are important to me. With the internet these days it is almost impossible to avoid spoilers! Also, I get to vote if I want to. It feels better when I watch it live than as a repeat, I just don't get the same serotonin from repeats. I did the same for Doctor Who's 50th anniversary special, that is wake up at 4 or 5 am to watch it. 

What made this year even better was the fact a band I knew and liked was Australia's representative this year! I only discovered them a bit over a year ago, but I've already seen them live once and will be again next month :D. 

Now - Monday again 

I dropped my youngest cat off at the vet this morning as she has gum and bone disease at only about 11 months old. She has had her teeth cleaned, some removed, xrays, and blood tests. Luckily she does not have FIV! I then drove all the way out to uni, which was quite exhausting being an hour-long trip (with tolls). I have done some work today, not a lot, but I'm trying. I have a bit of a headache and will probably head home in less than an hour, picking my cat up on the way of course! 

Tired.

It is now 7.30 pm. I am ready to go to sleep. I got up at around 1-1.30 pm. I started to doze off somewhere between now and then. I went to sleep around 1.30 am last night. Fitbit says I had just over 8 hours of sleep during that 12-hour period. I pretty much woke up every couple of hours.

The thing is that last night I probably had the best sleep I have had in the past week. For the past few days. I have had 4 - 5 hours of sleep per night/day. I have also been regularly waking up every 1 - 2 hours and then not being able to sleep for the next 1 - 2 hours. 

I would say the main cause of my sleeping issues is that one of my almost 16-year-old cats is not well. I am spending a lot of time worrying about her and hand-feeding her regularly to make sure that she actually consumes food and moisture.

It is not unusual for me to prioritise my pets' health over mine. It is very difficult for me not to. My pets, in particular my cats have helped me through a lot of my mental health problems and have given me reasons to live. 

I accept death as a part of life, and I know many more of my loved ones will die over my lifetime. However, I will do everything in my power to make sure their last few days or months are comfortable while spending as much quality time with them as possible. 

My migraine has been gone for a couple of days, however, my head is hurting a bit now. Hopefully, it does not develop into another migraine. This time at least I have a stronger medication.

Sick Leave

So after spending an hour and a half with my uni counselor the other day and having several cries, I have decided to take sick leave this week. 

My head still hurts, not as intense as the first 3 days but it's all still there. It is day 7 today.

Sadly, when I take time off, it only puts a pause on one of my life's demands. 

I still have to deal with my family, my casual job, public housing, council, and ill pets, all of this while still having a migraine. 

I don't really feel like elaborating on how the above are increasing my anxiety right now, I am too tired.

I just want to say that I hate taking time off and/or getting extensions on things. I would much rather be able to function properly and concentrate on my work. While taking time to deal with these other things and hopefully, get over my migraine is generally good for me, this time also adds to my anxiety and depression in a different way. 

Another day, another migraine

Today I woke up with a migraine. 

What a migraine is for me includes the following symptoms:
- light sensitivity
- pain behind my left eye
- pain in my jaw, mostly left side
- pain throughout my head, mostly on the left side
- the desire to insert objects into my skull in an attempt to relieve the pressure in my head
- tiredness (but this is almost a constant in my life)
- differing levels of nausea (not always, but yes for today) 

I am currently at the beginning of Day 4 of 5 of an R course. Reflecting over my life there is definitely some correlation between the two, but what evidence is there to support that this R course is the causation of this migraine?

- R is computer software, therefore I have been sitting at a desk on a computer for several days straight (Sedentary +, Posture -)
- I am not technologically inclined. Statistics and programming is a steep and stressful learning curve (Anxiety +)
- I need time in nature to replenish my energy. Doing this course means I have only had one break a day to go outside. (Anxiety +, Tiredness +)
- There was a public holiday this week, therefore my usual yoga class was canceled (Sedentary +)
- The public holiday also meant the uni was closed, but I still had to come into campus where the kitchens were locked so I could not heat up my food in the usual place,  I could not drive into campus through the usual gate. These things added time to finding a way in/out of campus and looking for a kitchen could get into (Anxiety +)
- I am in a room full of humans all day every day, regardless of what I am doing this situation drains my energy superfast, likely increased by my autism (Anxiety +, Tiredness +)
- The desk space I have here does not allow me to see the projected screen while facing my own screen face on, this leads to constantly having to correct my posture once I realise I am twisting (Posture -)

Anxiety and tiredness, a sedentary lifestyle, and bad posture are common contributing factors that can lead to migraines. 

Taking into account the usual weekly problems I face, the addition of this extra anxiety and tiredness, as well as the increased sedentary lifestyle and bad posture, it would be fair to conclude that my participation in this R course contributes a large part to the onset of my current migraine.

Why start Academia against the odds?

Hello world, I am a first-year PhD student looking into rainforest ecology. 

I often find myself questioning why I am doing my PhD. Some might say this it is normal to question what you are doing, list the pros and cons of continuing and make a decision. However, I question myself on a daily basis, sometimes several times a day. I feel as if this is a little bit more often than usual.

I am constantly reminded that I face many challenges in my career, especially going into academia.

- I come from a low socioeconomic background,

- I am the first in my family to complete any university degree, 

- I get regular migraines,

- I am a partial carer for disabled adults in my family, 

- I am diagnosed as being on the Autism spectrum, 

- I have Generalized anxiety disorder, 

- I am known to get depression, 

- and there is ADHD in my family, so I likely have some of these traits as well.

Despite all of this I also know that these challenges won't go away and my questioning of what I'm doing will remain regardless of what I am actually doing.

I am starting this blog as a way to acknowledge and recognise what is going on inside my head, and to help me work through, what I will likely refer to as 'my madness' in future posts. 

I used to blog as a teenager and in my early 20's and found it helped me to process things and to stop bottling it up inside. 

So here's to my early-mid 30's self-help blog?