Birthday cancelled, to be replaced with many unpleasant emotions...

Oh look it is September, I blinked and winter never existed. Not that it was a cold winter anyway, still very much above the long term average, but apparently a bit cooler than the last couple of years.

The weather is not why I am here though. Of course I am here to complain and whinge, thats what these blogs are right? A recount of my suffering while I pursue a career in academia as an autistic, depressed, anxious, low income, barely any family person, and carer to the only 2 members of my family I have left. Is that a good start to this whinge session? 

The main reason I am here today is because I should be in the Northern Territory with my Herpetology group for a book launch and herping trip right now, but alas I made the decision to pull out because I feel terribly behind on my PhD because I had to pretty much take the past month off. 

This trip was going to be a birthday treat for myself too. I've aways wanted to go to the NT, and with my herp group would have been a fantastic opportunity to actually see wild animals and be able to identify them! The book launch lead by the group that I am a committee member for, and it would have been a great time to network more with experts in the field. 

So why did I give up on this amazing opportunity for myself that was perfectly timed with my birthday? 

Because I had to spend the past month fighting for my family to stay in our house. 

Basically, we got a new tenancy manager, who gave us written notice saying we had 3 breaches of our tenancy all of a sudden. Please note that these three things they listed have been the like this for between 7 and 27 years, approved by previous managers, and one of them is a fix to our house because they couldn't be bothered repairing it for over a decade and it was a health, safety, and hygiene concern for my family. So instead of writing up one of my chapters for my PhD and sending drafts out to my supervisors, I constructed a formal letter disputing the issues. But who do I send it to? The new tenancy manager never gave their details even though the letter stated to contact them any time. We ended up having to contact our previous tenancy manager (still works in the same company, but new position) and asking them to forward it on to the Tenancy manager and their team leader. 

A week goes by, still no response. By now its been 2 weeks since we got the notice, and myself any my family has been super stressed thinking we would have to move, and realising that there is no where in Sydney that we could afford to even rent. So we contact our previous tenancy manager again with - just wondering if anything has progressed, is the inspection still occurring tomorrow? 

No the inspection was cancelled (thanks for letting us know, it's not like we have anything else in life that we cancelled to make time for this). 

We end up setting up a meeting the next week, which should have had our previous tenancy manager, our current tenancy manager and their team leader. 

We go to the meeting with a support worker as a third party to take notes, especially since the company that manages our home almost never puts anything in writing. Our current tenancy manger is apparently sick so doesn't turn up, which in a way made the meeting more pleasant. The two people their start of by apologising for what the tenancy manager wrote and they they are new and still need some training. This was a pleasant surprise, I just wish it hadn't taken almost 3 weeks to find this out. They revoked everything that was in the letter verbally, so that was a huge relief. 

Eventually, this week, my birthday week, we get a written email from the tenancy manager revoking everything they wrote. Only now could we actually relax because we had it in writing. 

"All's well that ends well?" - Well NO!

My family spent almost an entire month freaking out about having to move from a house we've been in for 27 years, with the stress further amplified by the fact there is no way we could afford to rent anywhere in Sydney (which my family needs for medical specialists).

This emotional distress lead to the following:

- the inability to work on my PhD, on campus or at home;
- increased frequency and severity of migraine symptoms;
- increased tension with the support workers that come to help out at home;
- a weakened immune system which lead to me getting sick twice within 3 weeks (I rarely ever get sick), which caused further distress which lead to:
    - not being able to see my partner;
    - increased inability to work on PhD (I could at least read a paper or join an online meeting every so often when I was healthy);
    - inability to sleep properly;
    - increased migraine symptoms even more;

All of the above would just lead to compounding distress overall, on top of the normal amount of stress people have when doing a PhD and caring for family members.

After a horrible month, I decided it was best to try and get back into doing my PhD, rather than going on this wonderful trip that was planned, (also since I'm still not fully recovered from the infections I had). 

I believe I made the right call in the long run, as taking even more time off would just increase my PhD stress even more. However, I also believe I still have the right to be upset and angry at how the circumstances in my life have once again denied me from actually enjoying my life.

Oh did I mention I've had heaps of pimples and its Spring so hay fever symptoms are also becoming more frequent and severe....

Spain: Part 2 - The hostel (and complaints about my university)

 This recount is also just less than 2 weeks since it occurred.

I've left the airport and lined up to get a taxi. Still confused at how the line works I get gestured at to walk in front of one taxi to go to the other side road to get in another taxi. So I get in, the driver only speaks Spanish, I show him where I'm going on my phone, all is well. The driver seems quite nice, he even turned off the meter for a bit when he took a wrong turn. He explained that the smell in the air is from an olive oil factory nearby via gestures,  the English word for "oil" and the Spanish word for "factory" - 'fabrica' - a word I actually remember from Duolingo! We take some very narrow streets and then a dirt road to the hostel I booked for this first night. I only booked 1 night here since it was cheap and the uni refused to pay my accommodation for 1 more night. Even though I found later they paid for a post-doc in my lab to have 6 nights instead of just 5. If you read some of my previous posts you could probably tell I was fed up with the admin, and just wanted the trip to be approved so I could go in the end. 

Anyway, I had to call the owner of the accommodation as there was no clear reception area. I was also using my normal mobile plan just on roaming, so everything was costing me money at this point. The guy comes out, shows me around, records my details, etc, he seemed nice and welcoming, at first.  The first thing I do is go have a shower, I felt so gross after almost 2 whole days on a plane or at an airport. I wasn't given a towel, and I didn't want to go and find the guy so I just used my t-shirt cause I really didn't care at this point. I just wanted to be clean, eat and sleep. Then I go to the kitchen where there was a vending machine with 2-minute/instant noodles. Then the guy approaches me making sure I can use the machine, yeah that's fine, but then he says I can cook it in this other room and not the main kitchen. I saw this other room previously and it was right near my dorm, so I thought sure why not. There I got offered any plates, cups, cutlery I needed and free bottled water to drink. I'm thinking, okay great maybe he just thought I wanted to be separate from all the young guys, I appeared to be the only female there at the time. Me being me I was still a bit sus, but I knew my exits, I had access to what I needed and some boiling hot noodles in broth, what more did I need, lol. 

Then he comes and sits with me while I'm eating, and trying to converse, with his limited English and my obvious lack of Spanish. Now I'm wondering, is this a cultural thing, or is this just because I'm a young female. He also starts to compliment me, now this is extra sus to me. Eventually, a lady comes by and it turns out she's the one I'm sharing with, and shes British so we can actually talk to each other. I was so thankful to see another female. She had to go make her dinner in the common kitchen, so I stayed where I was to finish my food then I was going to head to bed. While she's gone they guy and some other guy (similar age) come and sit with me again and talk Spanish with references to me but not actually talking with me, which was creepy. So I washed up my plates and said I'm going to leave them to their business and head to bed. 

The British lady soon joined me in the dorm, with a plate she had to take from the room I ate in, because it turns out there were no plates or cups in the common kitchen. Which was a bit unusual in my opinion. Then we get talking and it turns out her and the other guests never got offered anything that I did, so unfortunately it turns out the "niceness" was likely because I'm a young female thing. 

In the late morning after some sleep the British lady offers me a lift to the hotel that the uni booked, and I gladly accepted. I was able to check in before midday, and the place was lovely! So much nicer!

If there hadn't been another female there I probably would have locked myself in a room much earlier. But then I would also have to find a way to book a taxi to get out of there which would have been challenging too. I count myself very lucky that she was there, and could speak English, and offered to give me a lift! 

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Afterthoughts

I wouldn't have been in this situation if the uni would have just paid for one more nights accommodation. I even told them I was going a day early for medical reasons (migraine) and was completely dismissed. The administration staff I dealt with didn't even acknowledge my medical concerns and I was told "it's normal for our staff and students to arrive the day before and to arrive 2 days before is not permitted and has to be listed as "personal leave" in which the university will not cover any costs for. 

Sure I could have booked somewhere else, but I'm a full time student who earns less than the minimum wage. I already had to pay for another weeks accommodation myself as meetings with other academics at research facilities and university are also considered personal leave and not to be covered by the university. 

On top of all of this I could add that I'm autistic, from a low income family on welfare, and an inexperienced traveler, but should those factors even be important? Surely their staff and students health would be more important? Even if I didn't experience a foreign man trying to manipulate and take advantage that I was a young female tourist that didn't speak the language, why did the university give me such a hard time when I asked to go an extra day early for health reasons? Why do meetings with other researchers not count as work? I may not have been a 'victim' or abuse or assault, but I still feel like a victim as the university has taken advantage of me and put me in potential harms way.

Now that I have had time to reflect on everything, I feel quite angry with the university. 

Spain: Part 1 - The Flight

This recount is written from my current memory of what occurred just less than 2 weeks ago.

Friday evening was when my journey began. My partner was kind enough to drive me to the airport. Unfortunately, my body decided it would be nauseous and wanted to vomit the entire car ride there. Luckily, I was in my car, in which I had a bunch of serviettes, as well as plastic and paper shopping bags in which I could contain my vomit.

At the airport my partner helped me with booking in my luggage. My poster had to go through a "special or over-sized baggage" area, as it could not be booked on with my suitcase, and it also could not be taken on as carry-on. I bought a plain packet of smiths chips for dinner as that was all I could stomach at the time. I got teary, said goodbye then proceeded to operate in automatic mode for most of the journey. 

The entire thing was surreal and I had unwillingly disassociated myself from the situation. Once I got on the plane I put on a horror podcast "Paralyzed" and I was content. Horror relaxes me... The plane food was actually alright. I made sure the uni's travel agent put me down as vegetarian, which most places seem to take as vegan, so that works too. I had the window seat for the longest part (15 something hrs), and the guy next to me slept a lot of the time so I was essentially trapped. I managed to get up once for a walk to the toilet and a quick stretch. I watched a couple of movies and played the kids games, but unfortunately no sleeping occurred. 

Once I arrived at Doha, Qatar, the security threw my unopened bottle of water that the plane gave me in the bin and had to empty my refillable bottle I bought. I get the emptying of my bottle, but an unopened bottle? Seriously? what a waste of resources going straight in the trash  - not recycling even. I roamed around the stores there for a bit and found an organic vegan food place. I got chocolate protein oats and a coffee. 

Next was the plane to Barcelona, I think I had an aisle seat, but honestly it is mostly a blur now. I do think I was able to get up a couple of times to stretch and toilet though. Again, I watched a movie or 2 and played some kids games, but no sleep still.

When I arrived in Barcelona that's when I broke. Everyone was speaking another language, I had not slept in over 24 hours, and my anxiety kicked in. I went to a couple of help desks to ask where I needed to go, and I found them quite rude. So then I found a toilet and cried for a while. Sadly the toilet paper was rough and hurt to blow my nose into. I also found I could register as having a hidden disability and that was associated with my ticket. After eventually composing myself I got a matcha frappe with whipped cream from Starbucks to make myself feel better. 

Soon enough it was time to board a domestic flight to Seville. The person scanning my ticket was friendly at first and then the notice about having a hidden disability came up and they were no longer friendly and just stopped talking to me. I'm assuming they just didn't know what to do in response? But the thing is they didn't need to do anything different...

Anyway, this plane had no meals, and no in-flight entertainment. I think I just listened to podcasts and played coloured in on my phone. and eventually got to Seville airport, where I finally had to find my luggage. My suitcase came out easy enough, I had to wait ages for my poster though.

Throughout most of this journey I was physically conscious but found it all very surreal and had strong disassociation. In the end I surrvived, and got to where I needed to go, which is pretty good for a first time travelling internationally, alone, with anxiety and autism!

Wow, Granny Smith apples last a long time

So I got a bunch of granny smith apples just before Christmas so my brother could make an apple pie. He didn't use them all and won't eat them or use them for anything else since. I had a look in the fridge and there's still a couple left today (March). I tried one and it is still crispy, and nice tasting! They've been stored in the crisper of the fridge, so cool and dark most of them time, but still outlasting any other apple variety I have bought! 

I suppose I should give an update on everything else. 

My Spain trip was finally fully approved last week. Keep in mind that the trip is in less than 2 weeks from now. 

Now the admin is done I can finally actually work on my research and data analysis! I have yet to begin putting a poster together. I've been wrapping up a few loose ends with data and making some figures to explore what secrets it may reveal to me. Unfortunately, today R has decided to be extra slow so I've not been feeling overly productive.

Also, I think I experienced sleep paralysis for the first time this morning. I woke up multiple times and I could barely keep my eyes open or move, so I ended up just going back to sleep until I woke up being able to open my eyes properly. Thankfully, it was fairly mild in symptoms, but if I had to go into the office and wasn't able to work from home I would have been majorly screwed. Yay, for sleep disorders!

Even now, it's 21:40 (9:40 pm) and I'm still working to try and catch up for the messed up start to the day I had. However, another thing about me is that I don't usually function well in the mornings anyway, and am naturally a night owl. Regardless of sleep hygiene practices, medications, melotonin supplements and forcing myself to get up early and go to bed early. My natural circadian rhythm is functional when the sun is down, and dead when the sun is up.  

If you go back to when human ancestors lived in tribes, it makes sense that some people are nocturnal. If everyone was on the same sleeping pattern , that would mean there would be no body to keep the tribe safe at night. I just wished this concept was more accepted in the workplace. Since it is not I have to force myself to try and work at a low efficiency in the day time and then when I really need to get things done stay up at night to be productive, which then in turn makes everything harder the next day and is a vicious cycle of me burning out trying to keep up with society.

Gee, this post went down hill, maybe I should go back to apples....

Inconclusive results and more admin anxiety

I went to my physiotherapist today. They were forwarded the results from my CT scan. So, there is a narrowing of the bone surrounding one of my nerves, however, this nerve is not the one I have issues with. As the scan was only done on my neck this rules out the neck being the main cause for my increased neck/head pain and numbness in my pinky and ring finger. Overall this just means the overall cause is still assumed to be in my shoulder by my physio. The thing is, that most of my symptoms are in my head, neck, arm, and fingers, so those are the places that the other doctors generally look at. I generally don't notice the pain in my shoulder too much cause the other pains are so much worse.

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On top of this my trip to Spain is STILL not approved. It's been sent back to me again, this time because a yes or now box was clicked wrong, and the travel agency the uni uses put a price in euros instead of AUD by accident. The fact both of these problems could have easily been corrected my the person who keeps sending this back to me, but I guess that doesn't matter... because I obviously need the excessive amounts of stress this one admin person keeps giving me. 

Even though some of the problems the admin person is sending this back to me are minor, I just cannot handle it anymore. Every time I see I have an email from them and that there is ANOTHER thing wrong, the anxiety is triggered. How do you keep going to work when there is a bureaucratic that triggers you with the most minor thing? 

Don't worry, this same person wanted me to lie to another department in the institute to save the uni money. I don't know what to make of this. Me being honest to this other department got me another email from this person and an in person talk about how they were contacted about what the university policy is. 

I don't want to be a part of this institute anymore, who cares that it has some of the top researchers in my field in Australia, this one admin person is causing me so much anxiety that I am feeling so stressed that I can barely regulate my emotions. I'm not going to "beat around the bush" When I can't regulate my emotions I hurt my self, it's as simple as that. I have the urge to self harm, even just to feel a moment of relief from what this person has been causing me this past 2 months. 

Don't read this as "OMG she's going to self harm". I have amazing restraint when it comes to a lot of things in my life, and my logical mind often outweighs any emotions that may be trying to take over. I also need you as a reader to remember that self-harm does NOT equal suicidal (see infographic at the end of this post). I have multiple strategies I use to help regulate my emotions, they are just super triggered after so much trouble over this same issue. 

My supervisor has never had one of their students have as much trouble as I have been having with admin before. Even they don't understand why they are being so pedantic. I am not going over budget, I received a grant that has bought more money to the uni that I have spent. I always end up spending less that my original estimated quote, and I have never spent / tried to get reimbursed an expense that is not work related. I pay the transaction fees myself for uni related expenses, and I'm even paying for my own accommodation for days that as far as my supervisor is concerned are work days. 

Bah, I can't spend anymore time on thinking about this, until the next email comes I am going to attempt to actually spend my PhD doing actual research for a change!

New neck please

I have been in a lot of pain this week. I'm not sure what is going on with my neck, but I couldn't stand it anymore so I went to the GP yesterday. I now have prescription anti-inflammatory painkillers and I have had a CT scan. 

I had my remedial massage today and I felt significantly better afterwards, however that lasted about 30 minutes. It's now been almost 2 hours and the pain just keeps increasing. I can only take the prescription medication with or soon after food, so I am going to wait it out a little while cause I only just had lunch an hour ago, and the pain is only around a 5 or 6 right now. For a score out of 10 okay that's not good, but it was like 9 yesterday. 

The Spain paperwork seems to be moving ahead a bit. I have tentative flights now. I am just awaiting the final approval now. This whole process has only take 2 months. Think of how much more actual science and research I could have done if I didn't have to spend so much time on administration.

I have been making some nice graphs in R to show some of my data. I haven;'t really done any statistics yet but it's nice to look at the general trends in my data.

I also sent in my expression of interest to present at Pint of Science this year. I've been attending this event since 2016, so it would be pretty cool to speak at one. I've always enjoyed aspects of science communication, it still scares and stresses me out but science communication is something I strongly believe is very important. 

Resubmitting new forms about old forms and not being able to fly

So... no more panic attacks, yes crying at admin emails because they are so stressful, but no more panic attacks.

Last Friday my Spain trip finally got approved to go on to the next stage of approvals. I really don't get it, it's the same information being approved by the same people, this time it's just on their web-froms rather than their word-doc forms. Why do I need to waste my time doing the exact same paperwork twice? Shouldn't it be the job of the admin people to put it into the computer system? Or just get us to put it directly into the system to begin with? Obviously not, because PhD students don't have anything else to do with their less than a minimum wage and more than a full time job work hours expectations.

Anyway, I also have neck pain and a headache, oh and I am feeling very tired today. But hey, what's new? This is everyday life for me so I should just get over it and push through?

Someone one told me that I have been in a constant "Fight or flight" mode for many years now, I think I finally understand them now, sure I accepted it to a degree, but now I really get what they mean. In a way I believe they were referring to a particular thing in my life, but my life in general is fight or flight. I have to fight constantly against my physical body, my mind, and then I'm not even going to mention all of the external factors impacting my life. 

I don't really have the option of "flight" because if I do so many things will disintegrate. The closes I come to flight is standing in one spot, exerting all of my energy flapping my wings, whilst still being in the middle of a battle.

Anyway, that's enough for now, I need to try and do some work, its 14:41 on a Monday..

Oh, and one last thing.. a couple of weeks ago I had a suspected herniated disc, I had different constant pain than normal and my remedial massues thought that might be the case. Of course by the time I got to my physio and GP after the weekend, there were no obvious signs of it, so once again I have no definitive answer about why I was in so much pain...