I've been journaling and I'm sick

So, I saw the psychologist the other day and they suggested I do some journalling. This I have done, and can I say just over a few days I have noticed the difference in how I am dealing with some of the particular thoughts that were plaguing me. These thoughts I did not feel comfortable posting here, they are my own. They are raw and they are expressed much better when I handwrite rather than type. My blog entries are pretty raw and unedited; however, I tend to write them in a way that is open for anyone to read. My journal entries are not for anyone. 

My journalling is generally written in the style of a letter. If I think back, it always has been. I have not really written down my thoughts though ever since my privacy was breached by someone I was dating at the time. This would have been 13 or 14 years ago now. However, that is another story which I feel no need to further talk about. 

In other news I have a cold. This is the first time I've actually had a virus since I had covid back at Christmas of 2020. I have taken today off to rest, which involves sleeping, and sitting out in the sun in the backyard with my old cat and my turtle listening to music and not doing work. 

This sickness has come at an inconvenient time of course. I have planned a field trip (all approved too), leaving this coming Saturday. Today is Monday. If I rest well and drink plenty of fluids, I should be okay as long as it doesn't develop into anything else that is. In addition to my field trip, I wanted to get my draft CoC (confirmation of candidature) into my supervisors before I go away. Right now, I am really hating writing and what I have is way too short for what it needs to be. 

Another hit? and some reflection

Well, I've just had another hit of the feel-good hormones in my brain... It's interesting how just having a conversation can do that sometimes. This time it has left a bit of a different impression on me though. 

Not quite as Spongebob-by, but still nice.

It will be interesting to see how long this hit lasts and whether it has the same effects. The previous, let's call it 'happy hit' for now, was quite noticeable for about a week, but it also carried over into a second week if I assess myself properly and compare it to this week. 

This week my mood was much more "normal" for me. I sometimes forget how 'down' my 'normal' is. Even this last week wasn't as bad as what the average 'normal' has been for me this year. 

Reflecting on this year, I have been pretty broken to be honest. How I manage to do things sometimes is beyond me. 

I have only officially taken 1 week of sick leave, however, if you look at the hours and days I actually spend 'working' on my PhD, it has to be significantly less than what is expected of a "full time" student. 

The thing is I'm not even overly behind in anything really. Yes, okay I could have a longer and more through literature review by now, but that is really the only thing that I feel is not good enough. 

Perhaps it is just because I am in a good mood right now but looking back on my year, I have still been fairly busy with my PhD, work and family. Lots of people are repeatedly telling me I don't give myself enough credit. I guess my "normal" self just refuses to accept it. I know I do all of these things, but I kind of only feel like I'm actually seeing them for what they are at this moment. 

I have also reached another level of acceptance this year in regard to suffering from migraine. In part because I understand it more, thanks Simone from Voyager for sharing a bit of your story, this encouraged me to look into it more myself. I understand more about myself and what my triggers are now because of this as well as age and experience.

Speaking of which, my head has actually started to hurt recently. I've been working in a park and now I'm at the library, so my posture probably hasn't been the best. I also had my remedial massage this morning, which sometimes when the deeper muscles have been worked on can also trigger pain.  

I've lost my focus on this entry now, and I want to finish reading a paper before I head home. I will spend the rest of my spoons on the paper and getting home. 

 

Multi-purpose Music

So these past two months I've noticed how music has been a powerful tool in helping me in times of increased emotional activity.

Firstly, when I was super stressed and on my field trip, it helped me cope and keep on functioning.

Recently, I have noticed how it's boosting my mood just that bit further when I am already in a good mood.

Looking back, I have understood the power of music for a while now, but I have now noticed something else.

In the past, I linked different types of music to how I was feeling at the time. 

For example, when I broke up with my ex the band 'Lycanthia' was very important in getting me through that night of emotion. They are classified as "Death-Doom-Metal" according to their Youtube page. 

Another example would be having a very stressful meeting during my Master's degree. I came out of the meeting feeling dumb and that everything I had done was not good enough (thankfully this was not a supervisor, just a unit coordinator). After the meeting, I went and sat in my car and listened to my favourite Eurovision song for that year, which at the time was 'Under the Ladder' by 'Melovin'. 

One more thing I noticed was how 'Linkin Park' made me feel better and appreciate what I have in my life.

And of course, music has helped me to write too. However, the genres have always been different.

Back to current times, what I have found interesting is that it is the exact same playlist that helped me through my anxiety and is also what is further boosting my mood now. This playlist is a bit of a mix, but the fact it is the same set of songs has piqued my interest. 

Has anyone else noticed the music they gravitate towards when they are experiencing different emotional? Is it the same genre or is it completely different? How does it affect you?

It's over and I'm normal again

My serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin levels are back to normal again. Normal for me that is. Which is likely lower than the "norm". I guess that's why I'm on an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor).

SSRI's stops my blood from absorbing all of the serotonin in my brain, leaving higher levels of the hormone in my brain to help relieve my anxiety and depression. 

I've been on the same meds for around 16 years now. I haven't experimented with the dosage in ages. That was done in the early years. Let's say I am on 2 now. A higher dosage of 3 did not make a difference, but a lower dose of 1 did. Not sure if hanging the dose now would make any difference, or perhaps even trying a different type of medication. Stressors increase with life, they change, but they certainly increase with the added responsibility. I just don't have the time to see a psychiatrist (that has at least a 6 month waiting period). Also, I am hesitant to potentially make things worse whilst I have so much going on. However, when will I have less going on? When I finish my PhD? perhaps, for a short period of time, but I'm sure other factors in my life will change by then. 

I can talk about it with my counsellor and psychologist, even my GP, but only a psychiatrist has the ability to change my meds if needed. The most I can do is slightly increase the dosage of the current medication and monitor myself. I would ideally consult my GP whilst doing so. 

I've been meaning to book an appointment with them for a while, but everything is so busy, and seeing mental health professionals has been prioritised. They know me better, they just cannot prescribe meds. 

My head is hurting again too. Which goes hand in hand with my mood. It is a positive feed back loop, with my head pain amplifying my low mood, and likely my low mood amplifying my head pain. But remember, this is the norm for me, so I just have to get used to it again. 

I am looking forward to seeing the psychologist again in  couple of weeks, since they were a factor in getting me out of my normal slump, I am curious to see if they alone are enough to do so again. This time I am not house sitting so, there is a significant change in my environment. 

As mentioned previously, I am very aware of the thin line existing between me percieving the relationship as more than professional. I think I first became aware of the transferance over a year ago, and have since done my own research into it to better understand it. I have only just started seeing them for myself in the past week. We had one session just the two of us I think early last year, and I did not go back to a one on one session since. I only joined in on a couple of family sessions between then and last week (which was generally fine). So I have had plenty of time to sort through what is going on in my head in regards to them. 

I like to go into most things in life knowing as much as I can, and being prepared. This trait of mine is what likely makes me hesitant about medication trials. Not just for my anxiety and depression, but also migraine. Not knowing how my body will react with different medication, and knowing there are potentially negative side effects and reactions certainly makes me question if the negatives outweigh the potential benefits.

It's strange, because overall I enjoy doing new things, but I guess most of them have little chance of being bad. Chance of being neutral is often there, which does not seem to bother me. 

I am thinking I should finish this up here, as I have not done any work in 1 hour and 15 minutes. Although this did include lunch, bathroom, and making coffee, I know I need to do more work . If I don't do any work, my state of being will lower ecen more and feed into that positive feedback loop I was talking about before. 

A good week?!

Wow, so this week has been a strange one for me. As in, I think it's been good?! What the hell is good?! It's really freaky to be honest. I've felt productive, I've woken up before 9 am and not been completely exhausted, I'm generally in a good mood. 

I've been house sitting for the past ten days, only to finish yesterday. So this has definitely lifted my mood. Let me breakdown how this is good for me:

• Being in a house by myself (happiness ++)

• Three cats, 2 of which like me, and one of those I have chosen to be my cat girlfriend many years ago <3 (happiness +, social +)

• Three chickens, one of which used to be my chicken (happiness +, social +)

• Dishwasher (happiness +, comfort +)

• Spacey kitchen (happiness +, mental health +) room to cook nice meals (happiness +, physical health +)

• heating (happiness +, physical health +, comfort +)

• desk space and monitor to work comfortably from home (mental health +, comfort +, health +)

• access to Netflix, allowing me to watch season 2 of a series I first watched in 2020 (happiness +)

• pillow that is more comfortable than my own (physical health +), this means less migraine symptoms (comfort +) - I need to buy one of these, it sort of looks like the image below.

But more has happened that has also likely influenced my mood.

I was unable to meet with my uni counsellor the other week when I was very bad. So I contacted the psychologist that my family has worked with before to see if they had time. I have met up with my counsellor just over a week ago, which kind of helped, but I have also met up with the psychologist this Monday as well. I pretty much spoke to them both about the same thing that was my last post, fairly cat focused. However, after going over it again on Monday with someone else, I have been feeling good. Lets break down why this might be the case.

• talking through my problems yet again, getting more validation and acknowledgement about my life situation
• Psychologist is private, not uni associated. The session could be about whatever I wanted with no mention of uni work if I so desired. 
• Less time to travel getting the psychologist than the uni
• They have worked with members of my family for more than 5 years at least, so they know a lot of what my life involves already
• they are male, and I always get on better with males than females
• I feel easily very comfortable with them, its like chatting with a friend 

= Psychologist (mental health ++, social +)

I know they cannot be my "friend" per say, they are a health professional and I am their client. We have similar interests as well, which also can blur the lines a little sometimes. I have been aware of this for a while and it's the reason why I was not seeing them already. I quite self-aware that I could be projecting a relationship that did not exist, so I was avoiding one on one sessions with them for a while. I brought this up on Monday too, and they totally get it. It feels good to have brought it up and have yet more feelings acknowledged and validated. 

One last thing, my supervisor is away for a month, so I feel less pressured with my PhD :)

So overall:

happiness = 9+

social = 3+

comfort = 3+

health = 7+

Now how do I keep getting these positives in my life? What happens now I am back home and the negatives are loitering just around the corner? 

I'm not going to spend too much time on those thoughts, I have the motivation to do other important things, like my PhD, so let's just ride the motivation train for now?