Inconclusive results and more admin anxiety

I went to my physiotherapist today. They were forwarded the results from my CT scan. So, there is a narrowing of the bone surrounding one of my nerves, however, this nerve is not the one I have issues with. As the scan was only done on my neck this rules out the neck being the main cause for my increased neck/head pain and numbness in my pinky and ring finger. Overall this just means the overall cause is still assumed to be in my shoulder by my physio. The thing is, that most of my symptoms are in my head, neck, arm, and fingers, so those are the places that the other doctors generally look at. I generally don't notice the pain in my shoulder too much cause the other pains are so much worse.

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On top of this my trip to Spain is STILL not approved. It's been sent back to me again, this time because a yes or now box was clicked wrong, and the travel agency the uni uses put a price in euros instead of AUD by accident. The fact both of these problems could have easily been corrected my the person who keeps sending this back to me, but I guess that doesn't matter... because I obviously need the excessive amounts of stress this one admin person keeps giving me. 

Even though some of the problems the admin person is sending this back to me are minor, I just cannot handle it anymore. Every time I see I have an email from them and that there is ANOTHER thing wrong, the anxiety is triggered. How do you keep going to work when there is a bureaucratic that triggers you with the most minor thing? 

Don't worry, this same person wanted me to lie to another department in the institute to save the uni money. I don't know what to make of this. Me being honest to this other department got me another email from this person and an in person talk about how they were contacted about what the university policy is. 

I don't want to be a part of this institute anymore, who cares that it has some of the top researchers in my field in Australia, this one admin person is causing me so much anxiety that I am feeling so stressed that I can barely regulate my emotions. I'm not going to "beat around the bush" When I can't regulate my emotions I hurt my self, it's as simple as that. I have the urge to self harm, even just to feel a moment of relief from what this person has been causing me this past 2 months. 

Don't read this as "OMG she's going to self harm". I have amazing restraint when it comes to a lot of things in my life, and my logical mind often outweighs any emotions that may be trying to take over. I also need you as a reader to remember that self-harm does NOT equal suicidal (see infographic at the end of this post). I have multiple strategies I use to help regulate my emotions, they are just super triggered after so much trouble over this same issue. 

My supervisor has never had one of their students have as much trouble as I have been having with admin before. Even they don't understand why they are being so pedantic. I am not going over budget, I received a grant that has bought more money to the uni that I have spent. I always end up spending less that my original estimated quote, and I have never spent / tried to get reimbursed an expense that is not work related. I pay the transaction fees myself for uni related expenses, and I'm even paying for my own accommodation for days that as far as my supervisor is concerned are work days. 

Bah, I can't spend anymore time on thinking about this, until the next email comes I am going to attempt to actually spend my PhD doing actual research for a change!

New neck please

I have been in a lot of pain this week. I'm not sure what is going on with my neck, but I couldn't stand it anymore so I went to the GP yesterday. I now have prescription anti-inflammatory painkillers and I have had a CT scan. 

I had my remedial massage today and I felt significantly better afterwards, however that lasted about 30 minutes. It's now been almost 2 hours and the pain just keeps increasing. I can only take the prescription medication with or soon after food, so I am going to wait it out a little while cause I only just had lunch an hour ago, and the pain is only around a 5 or 6 right now. For a score out of 10 okay that's not good, but it was like 9 yesterday. 

The Spain paperwork seems to be moving ahead a bit. I have tentative flights now. I am just awaiting the final approval now. This whole process has only take 2 months. Think of how much more actual science and research I could have done if I didn't have to spend so much time on administration.

I have been making some nice graphs in R to show some of my data. I haven;'t really done any statistics yet but it's nice to look at the general trends in my data.

I also sent in my expression of interest to present at Pint of Science this year. I've been attending this event since 2016, so it would be pretty cool to speak at one. I've always enjoyed aspects of science communication, it still scares and stresses me out but science communication is something I strongly believe is very important. 

Resubmitting new forms about old forms and not being able to fly

So... no more panic attacks, yes crying at admin emails because they are so stressful, but no more panic attacks.

Last Friday my Spain trip finally got approved to go on to the next stage of approvals. I really don't get it, it's the same information being approved by the same people, this time it's just on their web-froms rather than their word-doc forms. Why do I need to waste my time doing the exact same paperwork twice? Shouldn't it be the job of the admin people to put it into the computer system? Or just get us to put it directly into the system to begin with? Obviously not, because PhD students don't have anything else to do with their less than a minimum wage and more than a full time job work hours expectations.

Anyway, I also have neck pain and a headache, oh and I am feeling very tired today. But hey, what's new? This is everyday life for me so I should just get over it and push through?

Someone one told me that I have been in a constant "Fight or flight" mode for many years now, I think I finally understand them now, sure I accepted it to a degree, but now I really get what they mean. In a way I believe they were referring to a particular thing in my life, but my life in general is fight or flight. I have to fight constantly against my physical body, my mind, and then I'm not even going to mention all of the external factors impacting my life. 

I don't really have the option of "flight" because if I do so many things will disintegrate. The closes I come to flight is standing in one spot, exerting all of my energy flapping my wings, whilst still being in the middle of a battle.

Anyway, that's enough for now, I need to try and do some work, its 14:41 on a Monday..

Oh, and one last thing.. a couple of weeks ago I had a suspected herniated disc, I had different constant pain than normal and my remedial massues thought that might be the case. Of course by the time I got to my physio and GP after the weekend, there were no obvious signs of it, so once again I have no definitive answer about why I was in so much pain...

is this normal for a panic attack?

 Okay then, so it's been what... 10 months since I posted? Did I die? Well... in a way I did.

I'm not going to recap the past year for you, let's just say it was pretty bad. I took a leave of absence for 3 months during that time, but that didn't stop the bad things from happening. Regardless, I am here now.

It's a new year now, and there a bunch of new problems to add onto the old! 

Here's somewhat good news: I've been accepted to present a poster at a conference in Spain in March. 

Here's the bad news: I had a panic attack about it yesterday. 

It was quite interesting how well I do at holding myself together when I need to. I just finished my physio appointment (I'll come back to this bit) and I checked my emails on my phone and again had my university paperwork about the Spain trip sent back to me, for even more amendments. The plan was going to be go to the local library for the rest of the day to work, I did however leave something I wanted to work on at home, so I went back to get it. So I drove home, walked into my room, curled up on my bed and began my panic attack. Yes, I knew the admin side of this trip has been giving me anxiety, but no I did not know I was going to start crying, have a rapid heartbeat, and shallow breaths. In that moment (of unknown time) I just wanted to quit, going to Spain is just to much work and it's not worth it. To calm myself I started colouring in on my phone and then I fell asleep. Next thing I know most of the day is gone.