Being a night owl is natural

Being a night owl often comes with the comments: "you should just go to bed earlier", "get up at consistent times every day", "have you tried melatonin?", "you need better sleep hygiene, eg, no screens and heavy meals before bed", and many more. However, if you are like me you have already tried all of these things and you still naturally gravitate towards being more alert at night, and sleepy during the day. 

I don't think all humans are meant to be diurnal though. Think about it, way back when we lived out in the open, did everyone sleep at the time? I doubt it, I bet some people stayed awake during the night time to keep watch over the tribe from predatory animals and other tribes attacking. Also, who would ensure the fire stays alight in the middle of winter? There surely had to be a diverse range of waking hours, just as there is a diverse range in skills and ways of thinking. 

Likewise, to wake/sleep hours, the term "neurodiverse" is not a new concept. If everyone thought the same way, society would never progress. However, that is a bit of a tangent, so lets stick to the subject of being nocturnal. 

For me, in my mid thirties, I have struggled my entire life with trying to fit into the waking hours of society. It leaves me constantly fatigued, stressed, and often quite depressed with the feeling that "I will never be good enough". However, I have completed a Bachelor's degree, a Master's degree, and I have almost completed my PhD. All of these, I found myself to be most productive during the night time. Now I don't mean in the afternoon, I mean after 9 pm at night, when the sun has well and truly set.

Throughout all of my degrees, I have tried to be diurnal, forcing myself to fit in as to attend classes, exams, meetings, and conferences. For a short period of time , sure I can do this, however, on weekends and after a few weeks at most I am completely burnt out and unable to function. On weekends I will sleep for about 12 hours, sleeping thought multiple alarms and people trying to wake me. More recently, I had to take a 3 month leave of absence from my PhD in order to be able to continue with it. It is absolutely exhausting doing what does not come naturally to your own body.

When covid and lockdowns occurred, I was in my element. After the first few weeks of being sad about having events cancelled, and not being able to go to the gym, I quickly adjusted, and I was in my element. I was awake at night and asleep in the day. I didn't sleep through the entire day, I was up for some of the afternoon, so I still enjoyed going outside for local bushwalks, and even had the motivation to do yoga by myself every single day! I have no motivation to exercise at all by myself when I have to be diurnal all the time, therefore I need to pay money for a gym membership, even though I love doing yoga and pilates. 

Right now, in the final (hopefully) month before I submit my PhD thesis, I am working anywhere from 9 pm until 7pm, and getting more done in one night than I have been able to do in an entire week for the past couple of years of having to be diurnal. My mental health has significantly improved, and so have my migraine symptoms. I actually see hope for myself completing this soon, unlike the past 6 -7 months when every time I have a glimpse at hope, it disappears just as quick as it arrives. 

My work environment is a influencing factor, yes, however, it is not the main driver. Whether I'm at the office, at the library, at home, or at a friends place, my most productive hours are late at night. Thankfully, one of my local library's is trialling being accessible for 24hrs, so lately I've been working here where it is warm, especially since my university campus is an hours drive away (in good traffic) which means I don't want to stay there too late. 

For all the other 'night owls' out there have you havd similar experiances to me? Has being awake at "ungodly hours" as they say helped you achieve things in life?

Secondly, for all the early birds or larks, please stop judging us because we operate differently to you. I have faced so much persecution from peers just because I can't focus on anything in the morning, and sometimes even the afternoon. I want you to imagine trying to concentrate on a project at midnight, could you do it and work to the best of your ability?

Lastly, for everyone else in between, some might say "the world is built for you", but I think you face similar problems to the rest of us, you have your peak times, and you have your low times, accept it.

Remember not all worms are out in the morning!

A Night owl getting distracted by glow worms

Doing a PhD leaves little time for writing anything but a thesis.

Yes, it is July now, and I am yet to submit my thesis :(. It just keeps getting pushed back further and further. Every time I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel, it is not the end of the tunnel and it is just pretty little glow worms distracting me!

So anyway, its now 4am and I'm at my local library, which is wonderfully trialing being open 24hrs! So I am warm, it's quiet, and I have a clear desk to work at. Also no family or cats to distract me. My poor cats have apparently been crying when I have been away at night. 

This is my third night in the past 4 days here. I feel like I am slowly making some progress here. The main problem is I still need to be able to function during the day on several days during the week, so I cannot come here all the time. Sadly, 9pm-3am still seems to be my most productive times. I can feel myself getting tired now but still somewhat functioning maybe until 5am at the latest. So it seems my body clock is only 12 hrs off what the usual working hours are....

Birthday cancelled, to be replaced with many unpleasant emotions...

Oh look it is September, I blinked and winter never existed. Not that it was a cold winter anyway, still very much above the long term average, but apparently a bit cooler than the last couple of years.

The weather is not why I am here though. Of course I am here to complain and whinge, thats what these blogs are right? A recount of my suffering while I pursue a career in academia as an autistic, depressed, anxious, low income, barely any family person, and carer to the only 2 members of my family I have left. Is that a good start to this whinge session? 

The main reason I am here today is because I should be in the Northern Territory with my Herpetology group for a book launch and herping trip right now, but alas I made the decision to pull out because I feel terribly behind on my PhD because I had to pretty much take the past month off. 

This trip was going to be a birthday treat for myself too. I've aways wanted to go to the NT, and with my herp group would have been a fantastic opportunity to actually see wild animals and be able to identify them! The book launch lead by the group that I am a committee member for, and it would have been a great time to network more with experts in the field. 

So why did I give up on this amazing opportunity for myself that was perfectly timed with my birthday? 

Because I had to spend the past month fighting for my family to stay in our house. 

Basically, we got a new tenancy manager, who gave us written notice saying we had 3 breaches of our tenancy all of a sudden. Please note that these three things they listed have been the like this for between 7 and 27 years, approved by previous managers, and one of them is a fix to our house because they couldn't be bothered repairing it for over a decade and it was a health, safety, and hygiene concern for my family. So instead of writing up one of my chapters for my PhD and sending drafts out to my supervisors, I constructed a formal letter disputing the issues. But who do I send it to? The new tenancy manager never gave their details even though the letter stated to contact them any time. We ended up having to contact our previous tenancy manager (still works in the same company, but new position) and asking them to forward it on to the Tenancy manager and their team leader. 

A week goes by, still no response. By now its been 2 weeks since we got the notice, and myself any my family has been super stressed thinking we would have to move, and realising that there is no where in Sydney that we could afford to even rent. So we contact our previous tenancy manager again with - just wondering if anything has progressed, is the inspection still occurring tomorrow? 

No the inspection was cancelled (thanks for letting us know, it's not like we have anything else in life that we cancelled to make time for this). 

We end up setting up a meeting the next week, which should have had our previous tenancy manager, our current tenancy manager and their team leader. 

We go to the meeting with a support worker as a third party to take notes, especially since the company that manages our home almost never puts anything in writing. Our current tenancy manger is apparently sick so doesn't turn up, which in a way made the meeting more pleasant. The two people their start of by apologising for what the tenancy manager wrote and they they are new and still need some training. This was a pleasant surprise, I just wish it hadn't taken almost 3 weeks to find this out. They revoked everything that was in the letter verbally, so that was a huge relief. 

Eventually, this week, my birthday week, we get a written email from the tenancy manager revoking everything they wrote. Only now could we actually relax because we had it in writing. 

"All's well that ends well?" - Well NO!

My family spent almost an entire month freaking out about having to move from a house we've been in for 27 years, with the stress further amplified by the fact there is no way we could afford to rent anywhere in Sydney (which my family needs for medical specialists).

This emotional distress lead to the following:

- the inability to work on my PhD, on campus or at home;
- increased frequency and severity of migraine symptoms;
- increased tension with the support workers that come to help out at home;
- a weakened immune system which lead to me getting sick twice within 3 weeks (I rarely ever get sick), which caused further distress which lead to:
    - not being able to see my partner;
    - increased inability to work on PhD (I could at least read a paper or join an online meeting every so often when I was healthy);
    - inability to sleep properly;
    - increased migraine symptoms even more;

All of the above would just lead to compounding distress overall, on top of the normal amount of stress people have when doing a PhD and caring for family members.

After a horrible month, I decided it was best to try and get back into doing my PhD, rather than going on this wonderful trip that was planned, (also since I'm still not fully recovered from the infections I had). 

I believe I made the right call in the long run, as taking even more time off would just increase my PhD stress even more. However, I also believe I still have the right to be upset and angry at how the circumstances in my life have once again denied me from actually enjoying my life.

Oh did I mention I've had heaps of pimples and its Spring so hay fever symptoms are also becoming more frequent and severe....

Spain: Part 2 - The hostel (and complaints about my university)

 This recount is also just less than 2 weeks since it occurred.

I've left the airport and lined up to get a taxi. Still confused at how the line works I get gestured at to walk in front of one taxi to go to the other side road to get in another taxi. So I get in, the driver only speaks Spanish, I show him where I'm going on my phone, all is well. The driver seems quite nice, he even turned off the meter for a bit when he took a wrong turn. He explained that the smell in the air is from an olive oil factory nearby via gestures,  the English word for "oil" and the Spanish word for "factory" - 'fabrica' - a word I actually remember from Duolingo! We take some very narrow streets and then a dirt road to the hostel I booked for this first night. I only booked 1 night here since it was cheap and the uni refused to pay my accommodation for 1 more night. Even though I found later they paid for a post-doc in my lab to have 6 nights instead of just 5. If you read some of my previous posts you could probably tell I was fed up with the admin, and just wanted the trip to be approved so I could go in the end. 

Anyway, I had to call the owner of the accommodation as there was no clear reception area. I was also using my normal mobile plan just on roaming, so everything was costing me money at this point. The guy comes out, shows me around, records my details, etc, he seemed nice and welcoming, at first.  The first thing I do is go have a shower, I felt so gross after almost 2 whole days on a plane or at an airport. I wasn't given a towel, and I didn't want to go and find the guy so I just used my t-shirt cause I really didn't care at this point. I just wanted to be clean, eat and sleep. Then I go to the kitchen where there was a vending machine with 2-minute/instant noodles. Then the guy approaches me making sure I can use the machine, yeah that's fine, but then he says I can cook it in this other room and not the main kitchen. I saw this other room previously and it was right near my dorm, so I thought sure why not. There I got offered any plates, cups, cutlery I needed and free bottled water to drink. I'm thinking, okay great maybe he just thought I wanted to be separate from all the young guys, I appeared to be the only female there at the time. Me being me I was still a bit sus, but I knew my exits, I had access to what I needed and some boiling hot noodles in broth, what more did I need, lol. 

Then he comes and sits with me while I'm eating, and trying to converse, with his limited English and my obvious lack of Spanish. Now I'm wondering, is this a cultural thing, or is this just because I'm a young female. He also starts to compliment me, now this is extra sus to me. Eventually, a lady comes by and it turns out she's the one I'm sharing with, and shes British so we can actually talk to each other. I was so thankful to see another female. She had to go make her dinner in the common kitchen, so I stayed where I was to finish my food then I was going to head to bed. While she's gone they guy and some other guy (similar age) come and sit with me again and talk Spanish with references to me but not actually talking with me, which was creepy. So I washed up my plates and said I'm going to leave them to their business and head to bed. 

The British lady soon joined me in the dorm, with a plate she had to take from the room I ate in, because it turns out there were no plates or cups in the common kitchen. Which was a bit unusual in my opinion. Then we get talking and it turns out her and the other guests never got offered anything that I did, so unfortunately it turns out the "niceness" was likely because I'm a young female thing. 

In the late morning after some sleep the British lady offers me a lift to the hotel that the uni booked, and I gladly accepted. I was able to check in before midday, and the place was lovely! So much nicer!

If there hadn't been another female there I probably would have locked myself in a room much earlier. But then I would also have to find a way to book a taxi to get out of there which would have been challenging too. I count myself very lucky that she was there, and could speak English, and offered to give me a lift! 

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Afterthoughts

I wouldn't have been in this situation if the uni would have just paid for one more nights accommodation. I even told them I was going a day early for medical reasons (migraine) and was completely dismissed. The administration staff I dealt with didn't even acknowledge my medical concerns and I was told "it's normal for our staff and students to arrive the day before and to arrive 2 days before is not permitted and has to be listed as "personal leave" in which the university will not cover any costs for. 

Sure I could have booked somewhere else, but I'm a full time student who earns less than the minimum wage. I already had to pay for another weeks accommodation myself as meetings with other academics at research facilities and university are also considered personal leave and not to be covered by the university. 

On top of all of this I could add that I'm autistic, from a low income family on welfare, and an inexperienced traveler, but should those factors even be important? Surely their staff and students health would be more important? Even if I didn't experience a foreign man trying to manipulate and take advantage that I was a young female tourist that didn't speak the language, why did the university give me such a hard time when I asked to go an extra day early for health reasons? Why do meetings with other researchers not count as work? I may not have been a 'victim' or abuse or assault, but I still feel like a victim as the university has taken advantage of me and put me in potential harms way.

Now that I have had time to reflect on everything, I feel quite angry with the university. 

Spain: Part 1 - The Flight

This recount is written from my current memory of what occurred just less than 2 weeks ago.

Friday evening was when my journey began. My partner was kind enough to drive me to the airport. Unfortunately, my body decided it would be nauseous and wanted to vomit the entire car ride there. Luckily, I was in my car, in which I had a bunch of serviettes, as well as plastic and paper shopping bags in which I could contain my vomit.

At the airport my partner helped me with booking in my luggage. My poster had to go through a "special or over-sized baggage" area, as it could not be booked on with my suitcase, and it also could not be taken on as carry-on. I bought a plain packet of smiths chips for dinner as that was all I could stomach at the time. I got teary, said goodbye then proceeded to operate in automatic mode for most of the journey. 

The entire thing was surreal and I had unwillingly disassociated myself from the situation. Once I got on the plane I put on a horror podcast "Paralyzed" and I was content. Horror relaxes me... The plane food was actually alright. I made sure the uni's travel agent put me down as vegetarian, which most places seem to take as vegan, so that works too. I had the window seat for the longest part (15 something hrs), and the guy next to me slept a lot of the time so I was essentially trapped. I managed to get up once for a walk to the toilet and a quick stretch. I watched a couple of movies and played the kids games, but unfortunately no sleeping occurred. 

Once I arrived at Doha, Qatar, the security threw my unopened bottle of water that the plane gave me in the bin and had to empty my refillable bottle I bought. I get the emptying of my bottle, but an unopened bottle? Seriously? what a waste of resources going straight in the trash  - not recycling even. I roamed around the stores there for a bit and found an organic vegan food place. I got chocolate protein oats and a coffee. 

Next was the plane to Barcelona, I think I had an aisle seat, but honestly it is mostly a blur now. I do think I was able to get up a couple of times to stretch and toilet though. Again, I watched a movie or 2 and played some kids games, but no sleep still.

When I arrived in Barcelona that's when I broke. Everyone was speaking another language, I had not slept in over 24 hours, and my anxiety kicked in. I went to a couple of help desks to ask where I needed to go, and I found them quite rude. So then I found a toilet and cried for a while. Sadly the toilet paper was rough and hurt to blow my nose into. I also found I could register as having a hidden disability and that was associated with my ticket. After eventually composing myself I got a matcha frappe with whipped cream from Starbucks to make myself feel better. 

Soon enough it was time to board a domestic flight to Seville. The person scanning my ticket was friendly at first and then the notice about having a hidden disability came up and they were no longer friendly and just stopped talking to me. I'm assuming they just didn't know what to do in response? But the thing is they didn't need to do anything different...

Anyway, this plane had no meals, and no in-flight entertainment. I think I just listened to podcasts and played coloured in on my phone. and eventually got to Seville airport, where I finally had to find my luggage. My suitcase came out easy enough, I had to wait ages for my poster though.

Throughout most of this journey I was physically conscious but found it all very surreal and had strong disassociation. In the end I surrvived, and got to where I needed to go, which is pretty good for a first time travelling internationally, alone, with anxiety and autism!

Wow, Granny Smith apples last a long time

So I got a bunch of granny smith apples just before Christmas so my brother could make an apple pie. He didn't use them all and won't eat them or use them for anything else since. I had a look in the fridge and there's still a couple left today (March). I tried one and it is still crispy, and nice tasting! They've been stored in the crisper of the fridge, so cool and dark most of them time, but still outlasting any other apple variety I have bought! 

I suppose I should give an update on everything else. 

My Spain trip was finally fully approved last week. Keep in mind that the trip is in less than 2 weeks from now. 

Now the admin is done I can finally actually work on my research and data analysis! I have yet to begin putting a poster together. I've been wrapping up a few loose ends with data and making some figures to explore what secrets it may reveal to me. Unfortunately, today R has decided to be extra slow so I've not been feeling overly productive.

Also, I think I experienced sleep paralysis for the first time this morning. I woke up multiple times and I could barely keep my eyes open or move, so I ended up just going back to sleep until I woke up being able to open my eyes properly. Thankfully, it was fairly mild in symptoms, but if I had to go into the office and wasn't able to work from home I would have been majorly screwed. Yay, for sleep disorders!

Even now, it's 21:40 (9:40 pm) and I'm still working to try and catch up for the messed up start to the day I had. However, another thing about me is that I don't usually function well in the mornings anyway, and am naturally a night owl. Regardless of sleep hygiene practices, medications, melotonin supplements and forcing myself to get up early and go to bed early. My natural circadian rhythm is functional when the sun is down, and dead when the sun is up.  

If you go back to when human ancestors lived in tribes, it makes sense that some people are nocturnal. If everyone was on the same sleeping pattern , that would mean there would be no body to keep the tribe safe at night. I just wished this concept was more accepted in the workplace. Since it is not I have to force myself to try and work at a low efficiency in the day time and then when I really need to get things done stay up at night to be productive, which then in turn makes everything harder the next day and is a vicious cycle of me burning out trying to keep up with society.

Gee, this post went down hill, maybe I should go back to apples....

Inconclusive results and more admin anxiety

I went to my physiotherapist today. They were forwarded the results from my CT scan. So, there is a narrowing of the bone surrounding one of my nerves, however, this nerve is not the one I have issues with. As the scan was only done on my neck this rules out the neck being the main cause for my increased neck/head pain and numbness in my pinky and ring finger. Overall this just means the overall cause is still assumed to be in my shoulder by my physio. The thing is, that most of my symptoms are in my head, neck, arm, and fingers, so those are the places that the other doctors generally look at. I generally don't notice the pain in my shoulder too much cause the other pains are so much worse.

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On top of this my trip to Spain is STILL not approved. It's been sent back to me again, this time because a yes or now box was clicked wrong, and the travel agency the uni uses put a price in euros instead of AUD by accident. The fact both of these problems could have easily been corrected my the person who keeps sending this back to me, but I guess that doesn't matter... because I obviously need the excessive amounts of stress this one admin person keeps giving me. 

Even though some of the problems the admin person is sending this back to me are minor, I just cannot handle it anymore. Every time I see I have an email from them and that there is ANOTHER thing wrong, the anxiety is triggered. How do you keep going to work when there is a bureaucratic that triggers you with the most minor thing? 

Don't worry, this same person wanted me to lie to another department in the institute to save the uni money. I don't know what to make of this. Me being honest to this other department got me another email from this person and an in person talk about how they were contacted about what the university policy is. 

I don't want to be a part of this institute anymore, who cares that it has some of the top researchers in my field in Australia, this one admin person is causing me so much anxiety that I am feeling so stressed that I can barely regulate my emotions. I'm not going to "beat around the bush" When I can't regulate my emotions I hurt my self, it's as simple as that. I have the urge to self harm, even just to feel a moment of relief from what this person has been causing me this past 2 months. 

Don't read this as "OMG she's going to self harm". I have amazing restraint when it comes to a lot of things in my life, and my logical mind often outweighs any emotions that may be trying to take over. I also need you as a reader to remember that self-harm does NOT equal suicidal (see infographic at the end of this post). I have multiple strategies I use to help regulate my emotions, they are just super triggered after so much trouble over this same issue. 

My supervisor has never had one of their students have as much trouble as I have been having with admin before. Even they don't understand why they are being so pedantic. I am not going over budget, I received a grant that has bought more money to the uni that I have spent. I always end up spending less that my original estimated quote, and I have never spent / tried to get reimbursed an expense that is not work related. I pay the transaction fees myself for uni related expenses, and I'm even paying for my own accommodation for days that as far as my supervisor is concerned are work days. 

Bah, I can't spend anymore time on thinking about this, until the next email comes I am going to attempt to actually spend my PhD doing actual research for a change!

New neck please

I have been in a lot of pain this week. I'm not sure what is going on with my neck, but I couldn't stand it anymore so I went to the GP yesterday. I now have prescription anti-inflammatory painkillers and I have had a CT scan. 

I had my remedial massage today and I felt significantly better afterwards, however that lasted about 30 minutes. It's now been almost 2 hours and the pain just keeps increasing. I can only take the prescription medication with or soon after food, so I am going to wait it out a little while cause I only just had lunch an hour ago, and the pain is only around a 5 or 6 right now. For a score out of 10 okay that's not good, but it was like 9 yesterday. 

The Spain paperwork seems to be moving ahead a bit. I have tentative flights now. I am just awaiting the final approval now. This whole process has only take 2 months. Think of how much more actual science and research I could have done if I didn't have to spend so much time on administration.

I have been making some nice graphs in R to show some of my data. I haven;'t really done any statistics yet but it's nice to look at the general trends in my data.

I also sent in my expression of interest to present at Pint of Science this year. I've been attending this event since 2016, so it would be pretty cool to speak at one. I've always enjoyed aspects of science communication, it still scares and stresses me out but science communication is something I strongly believe is very important. 

Resubmitting new forms about old forms and not being able to fly

So... no more panic attacks, yes crying at admin emails because they are so stressful, but no more panic attacks.

Last Friday my Spain trip finally got approved to go on to the next stage of approvals. I really don't get it, it's the same information being approved by the same people, this time it's just on their web-froms rather than their word-doc forms. Why do I need to waste my time doing the exact same paperwork twice? Shouldn't it be the job of the admin people to put it into the computer system? Or just get us to put it directly into the system to begin with? Obviously not, because PhD students don't have anything else to do with their less than a minimum wage and more than a full time job work hours expectations.

Anyway, I also have neck pain and a headache, oh and I am feeling very tired today. But hey, what's new? This is everyday life for me so I should just get over it and push through?

Someone one told me that I have been in a constant "Fight or flight" mode for many years now, I think I finally understand them now, sure I accepted it to a degree, but now I really get what they mean. In a way I believe they were referring to a particular thing in my life, but my life in general is fight or flight. I have to fight constantly against my physical body, my mind, and then I'm not even going to mention all of the external factors impacting my life. 

I don't really have the option of "flight" because if I do so many things will disintegrate. The closes I come to flight is standing in one spot, exerting all of my energy flapping my wings, whilst still being in the middle of a battle.

Anyway, that's enough for now, I need to try and do some work, its 14:41 on a Monday..

Oh, and one last thing.. a couple of weeks ago I had a suspected herniated disc, I had different constant pain than normal and my remedial massues thought that might be the case. Of course by the time I got to my physio and GP after the weekend, there were no obvious signs of it, so once again I have no definitive answer about why I was in so much pain...

is this normal for a panic attack?

 Okay then, so it's been what... 10 months since I posted? Did I die? Well... in a way I did.

I'm not going to recap the past year for you, let's just say it was pretty bad. I took a leave of absence for 3 months during that time, but that didn't stop the bad things from happening. Regardless, I am here now.

It's a new year now, and there a bunch of new problems to add onto the old! 

Here's somewhat good news: I've been accepted to present a poster at a conference in Spain in March. 

Here's the bad news: I had a panic attack about it yesterday. 

It was quite interesting how well I do at holding myself together when I need to. I just finished my physio appointment (I'll come back to this bit) and I checked my emails on my phone and again had my university paperwork about the Spain trip sent back to me, for even more amendments. The plan was going to be go to the local library for the rest of the day to work, I did however leave something I wanted to work on at home, so I went back to get it. So I drove home, walked into my room, curled up on my bed and began my panic attack. Yes, I knew the admin side of this trip has been giving me anxiety, but no I did not know I was going to start crying, have a rapid heartbeat, and shallow breaths. In that moment (of unknown time) I just wanted to quit, going to Spain is just to much work and it's not worth it. To calm myself I started colouring in on my phone and then I fell asleep. Next thing I know most of the day is gone. 

Sparks?

Hello there... the angel from my... rainforest?

My enjoyment of research has been partially reignited, probably only temporarily considering my mindset this past 9 months, but it is certainly nice to feel the sparks again 💚.

Despite having minimal sleep, having my physio appointment at 9 am, and then driving out to uni for an hour, today has been quite good. Although, I enjoy my physio appointment, having to race between appointments and things is annoying. 

Someone I am collaborating with came to do a guest lecture today, and I guess seeing and hearing about their passion for rainforests and science is a good thing for me. I went to group lunch afterward, then had a quick meeting with my supervisor and them, and yet to come is dinner with them and a group of mostly professors and one other PhD student. This is A LOT of socialising for me, someone who has not wanted to do any socialising at all for more than a week. I wonder how exhausted I will be tomorrow? 

Anyway, that's it really, just wanted to share that I like trees 🌳. I'll be heading out to the field in a couple of days so I'm going to try and do some desk work now. 

Questioning my path

So I recently just took myself on a solo trip interstate. I very much enjoyed it. This was the first time visiting this city, and the first time travelling somewhere alone and not meeting up with anyone at the other end. I really need to do this more often. I'm not responsible for anyone but myself, I can do what I want for however long I want to. Which for me meant visiting lots of museums and galleries, and spending several hours in the Botanic Gardens! 

It was also great to not have as many loud and intrusive thoughts for a few days. I'm sure they'll pop back up again, but I'm really hoping that they will be a bit quieter, if only for the rest of this month.

Anyway, I've been back for a couple of days now. I had a day of rest yesterday, and a day working from home today because I was too tired to drive anywhere, especially an hour to uni. 

However, now I'm starting to question if I'm even up to a career in academia. I've barely scraped through the past 1.5 years with all of my physical and mental health issues. I haven't even started writing papers or my thesis yet (I don't count methods). 

Perhaps like previous times in my life, after a while of not doing research I will miss it again. Don't get me wrong I really enjoy what I do, it's just the constraints upon me and the battles I fight every single day just to get out of bed or to take a shower are exhausting. I don't know if I can keep doing this long term, something in my life has to change simply so I can function more efficiently. 

What would I do instead? Do more animal work for a while, but I know from experiance that won't be enough to intellectually stimulate me forever. It also won't be able to get me out of the financial situation my family is in. I could also do more casual work at universities, but there's not too much job security in that, there is also a preference to hire internally. I could also go back to making content, but that never really made me much money, and I hate the technological side. 

I have no urge to quit my PhD, I 100% want to finish this. However, I am doubting if I can continue in this line of work afterwards with how I am now. Will I ever be able to swim? :P

Exhaustion

I'm so sleepy lately. I've made it into the university campus this week for three days, which is in some ways amazing considering how sleepy I am.

Monday - I had to pull over on the way in because I was my eyes were getting very heavy on the road. 

Tuesday - I was driving to my gym from uni at the end of the day and had a micro sleep on the road, luckily my tire scraping along the gutter was enough to wake me up.

Wednesday (Today) - I tried to get public transport into uni because I'm so tired, and because I have a meeting in the city tonight. I drove down to my local train station, the commuter car park was full, I drove around all the surrounding streets for about 10 minutes, no parking there either. I ended up having to drive all the way into uni again otherwise I wouldn't get here in time to make it to a meeting I want to go to in person. 

The thing is I'm not sleeping any more or less than I have been for ages, I am just overall exhausted. The past few nights I've been getting 7-8 hours of sleep each night, and not even waking up during the early hours for a change. I'm physically breaking again., which leads to increased symptoms of depression and anxiety of course.

The past few days haven't been too bad. Saturday night I had a mini-date with my partner and that went really well. It made me feel really good. The next day I did a wildlife party, and it was great to be with the animals again. I wasn't sleepy on this day, even with all of the driving, it was a good day. 

Anyway, back to today. All the emotional turmoil that has been plaguing me since July last year is resurfacing again. Just when I thought I was getting through it (yet again) it is back. These emotions physically make my chest/heart feel heavy. I should probably get back to journaling more regularly. When I'm having good days I generally don't feel like journaling, I always seem to leave it for when I feel crappy. Maybe that's not the best method.

As for my PhD, I still don't really know what I'm doing, not having met with my supervisor in several weeks probably doesn't help, but parts of me really doesnt want to either. Still working through my image analysis and planning for a field trip next month.  I am really looking forward to having time off. If it ever gets approved...

First Group DBT - I expressed myself

Today was the first group Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). 

Arrived about 10 - 15 min late, but that's okay. I made it. I'm still really tired and by the morning tea break around 11:20 I had to go and get another caffeine hit. 

Overall, I Think it went pretty good though. There was only about six of us, with two facilitators. 

We did the 'two truths and one lie' icebreaker. Here's mine:

1. I've been bitten by a crocodile

2. I've been bitten by a shark

3. I've been stung by a sting ray

Do any of you readers know the lie?

______________________________________________________

During this first group session I was already triggered by something. Now I don't usually get offended much, but when I do I usually ruminate and let it fester inside. After debating with myself for a little while whilst everyone was talking about WISE mind, I decided to speak up. It was quite challenging, and part of me still thinks its a stupid thing to get worked up about, but I knew expressing myself would make me feel better, so I did. 

Expressing myself more is one of my therapy goals, and being in a "safe space" I decided to give it ago. As I predicted it made me feel better afterwards. It was really hard when I was saying it out loud to the group though, I could tell I was having a hard time even getting the words out. In the beginning of the session we talked about being respectful and such but also using "I" statements. So that's what I did, I used the term "I". For example, I feel upset by this statement. Rather than saying I don't like what this person said.

I'm still having some negative thoughts about myself though. Things like"you shouldn't get so worked up about something so trivial" and then making fun of myself in a cruel way for feeling that way. I know I should feel proud for speaking up and expressing myself, in a way I do, but it's very hard after so long of not doing so. Maybe I should do another WISE mind ;)

Right now I'm in the library (It's much nicer there than my campus' library, more windows, feels nice and open and light). I've loaded up my image analysis software, but again it doesn't seem to be working properly, which is quite frustrating. Perhaps I should let it update when it asks next time, or even it just won't work without being connected by an Ethernet cable. At least I tried? 

Unplanned time off

After a great weekend out herping (searching for amphibians and reptiles) I was absolutely exhausted on Monday. I did not end up driving into campus as it would probably not be the safest for me to be driving for an hour or so. I did some image analysis at home, but the access to the remote system wasn't working very well so I couldn't do much from home. I also kept falling asleep at the computer.

Accepting that I need a day of rest after a weekend with humans, driving for several hours by myself, and just doing any activity is still not easy for me. I want to be able to do more still. A weekend doing something for myself (in this case a herping trip with a society) was great for my mental health, but I am still left completely physically broken afterwards. It is so frustrating. I wish doing things for myself actually recharged my batteries rather than also ran them down. But I guess I'm not in the best place as of late and even these things drain me more than I would like. 

My mental health must really be in a state when even the things that make me mentally feel better are wearing me this thin. My physical health is certainly not blameless though. This increased migraine severity in my mid thirties is certainly a real douze. 

Oh but don't worry my dear readers, the struggles of my life do not end there. My mother tested positive for covid last night, and as someone of high risk we were advised to go to the emergency department at hospital. So we ended up at hospital around 1 am. We saw the nurse and the doctor, all looked good so far, but bloods were taken just to check, that would be an hour before we got the results for that. Almost 2 hours later I asked what was happening, and whilst the bloods were normal, they could not dispense the anti-viral medication until 7-7.30 am. We were finally able to leave the hospital around 8 am. Now as messed up as my sleep and body already were this was the final straw. Around 3.30 am at the hospital I emailed my supervisor requesting sick leave. Even if Mum's covid is manageable and I don't contract it from her, there was no way I could see myself being able to work this week.

Anyway we got home had something to eat and I went to bed somewhere between 9 and 10 am. I may have been in bed for about 10 hours but I only got about 7 - 8 hours sleep, I woke up several times and I also had a massive headache (the chairs at hospital probably aided with this). I eventually give up on sleeping and trying to rest in bed and get up, the massive headache continues. I take something for it but only generic painkillers not migraine meds. It's decreased the pain a little bit but I can feel it's all still there, its just been pushed back a little bit for now. 

It's 11 pm now. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm sick of being in bed and asleep, I want to do stuff, anything, but I also need to have some sort of diurnal schedule as I start my group DBT on Thursday and assuming I don't get covid, I need to get to that in person, it starts at 10 am.

So there we have it, between my own mental and physical health problems with the addition of my a family members health and my carer responsibilities, I have decided to take another week off. Although doing an official request is still confusing to me since my candidature time is still being eaten up when I'm on sick leave - I guess it's for record keeping purposes. 

I can't really concentrate on writing anymore.

Here's a little reminder..

Absence of negative emotions ≠ happiness

The absence of negative feelings does not equal happiness.

That statement is something I need to remember. It's completely logical, but often forgotten. remember, when you are bored or indifferent you are neither experiencing a negative nor positive emotion. 

I've been listening to The Psychology of Depression and Anxiety - Dr Scott Eilers. That's where this reminder came from, but also some other things I picked up on whilst listening to an episode on happiness. 

He talks about how our life experience is all internal, and everything outside is just stimuli. I absolutely love this. He further goes into how it's all about how we translate or interpret said stimuli that give us our life experience. An example he uses is if you're in another country and everyone speaks a language you don't understand. That stimulus means nothing to you unless you can translate it. Sometimes when we have health problems (mental or physical) our translator doesn't work - it just doesn't get the message through to us or it distorts the message so we are not receiving what the message is in reality. 

Anyway, I started listening to this episode for a second time to reinforce some of this stuff. I've listened to quite a bit of his stuff these past few months, and I highly recommend it. It compliments any other therapy you might be receiving too. He also posts it as YouTube videos if you prefer a visual (see below).

Mid-(PhD)-Life Crisis

I've worked it all out, I'm going through a mid-PhD-life crisis! 

It all makes sense, my thoughts, emotions, and sense of identity have all gone haywire. I'm spending money and going on trips more than usual - I bought a coffee machine, and I've booked flights to go to Adelaide and to Brisbane in the next few months. I'm questioning so many things in my personal life. However, what's interesting is that I'm not questioning doing my PhD. For a mid-PhD-life crisis, doing the PhD is the only thing I'm certain of! 

When you think about what I'm currently doing in my PhD though, it's stuff that I'm either good at (fieldwork), or just monotonous tasks (ie, image analysis). When I'm up to the statistics and writing parts then I will be going completely crazy with super anxiety. Perhaps right now I am redirecting my PhD anxiety and channeling it all into a personal life crisis. Procrastinating with personal life problems?

Just a short post, for now, have some memes...

Ps. I also purchased a silver sequin top online last night... and I'm thinking of going blonde again....

Hello depression

Well, I made it to uni today, not until after 12 pm, but I made it. 

On the drive in today I made the realisation that my main problem at the moment is depression. Not so much anxiety, as is often the case, but the depression part of me has flared up again. Hurrah!

I'm currently at my desk, slowly doing some image analysis, but staying focused is quite hard. It's a simple job, just tedious, but I am just feeling sad, my sadness is barely controllable. I'm trying to distract myself by doing my work, that I REALLY need to do, but I'm physically feeling a heaviness in my chest, and when I stop to breathe I can feel the tears beginning to well up inside. I am barely holding it together, and it is an absolute pain. I just want to be able to do my work!

I have a meeting in less than 2 hours to discuss some lab equipment, how thrilling... It's one of the main reasons I'm actually on campus today. But then If I stayed at home I would feel even worse, and I doubt I would even be acknowledging my emotions. At least I'm out of the house, and trying to get some work done, I'm making an effort. The problem is, I'm always making an effort, and it's absolutely exhausting! 

I took some Rizotriptan last night, my constant headache was getting worse, and I thought I should try and knock it out before it got too severe. I think it did the trick. Less pain today, just the normal amount, lol. Yes, I have to laugh, it's a coping mechanism.

Anyway, I've pretty much finished one analysis in this past hour, time for a food break before the meeting I guess. 

Unpaid sabbaticals

I have a lot coming up in the next few months. I've applied for a leave of absence for April-June, no word yet but I am already planning as if it has been accepted. I'm calling it an unpaid sabbatical.

Before then I would like to get in another field trip and start on some new measurements and finish up some of the previous ones. I did some practice runs with two of my species that grow in the Blue Mountains and it looks like I will need to do all of the measurements immediately in the field, and that they will take a few hours! I'm hoping to create some stomatal closure curves, assuming my species don't fuse their stomata shut as soon as I harvest a branch. 

I got Chat GPT to summarise what I'm looking at in layman's terms because I am lazy and forget most people don't know what stomata are:

"A stomatal closure curve is a graph that shows how plant leaf openings, called stomata, respond to changes in water availability. It demonstrates how tightly the stomata close at different levels of water supply. Stomatal conductance, which measures how gases pass through the stomata, decreases as the stomata close in response to lower water availability, reflected in the curve. This curve helps researchers understand how plants regulate water loss through transpiration under varying environmental conditions."

Prior to my break I am also hoping to get to Adelaide to finally see The Dark Room live. I started following Robbotron on Twitch during covid. He and a few other people really helped me and kept me going during that time, and the communities were also great and oh-so wholesome, but not in a sickening way, in a totally awesome way that I could relate to. Here are a few other important communities I was a part of: RandomBritishDude, MitchBruzzese, RustyQuill (specifically Mike and Anil), and an honorable mention to Monkeeeyboi whom I found through RandomBritishDude. If you know these people or clicked on the hyperlinks you may have noticed they are all UK citizens, except for Mitch who is an Aussie. Robbotron is also Aussie, but resides in the UK.  As you might have guessed I was living my best life as a nocturnal during lockdown :)

Anyway, I will also be starting a 10-week DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) program, that will conclude about halfway through my sabbatical. My uni counselor got me on to it and is part of organising it. She has been bringing it up for a little while now, and my psychologist has mentioned it and group therapies a couple of times too. So when she offered me a spot in the program, I pretty much jumped on it. I am a bit nervous of course, group therapy - "what the hell? I hate humans", but I am also excited and hoping it will help me to function better. 

I will not only be taking a sabbatical from my PhD though, but also my psychologist. We discussed it today, it came up naturally and we were both kind of on the same page (or close enough). Since I'm doing this course and will be receiving support from it I should focus on that, and then soon after that ends my psychologist is going overseas for a bit. So essentially we won't see each other for about 6 months. This saddens me as I enjoy talking with them, however, talking to them today it looks like we have been having similar thoughts about things and that a break could benefit us. When we do meet up again we will reassess the situation and see if I will even need their continued support or if the counsellors through uni will be enough. 

So overall these next few months could turn out to be quite interesting and potentially life-changing? It's scary but exciting. I'm just so confused about some things, and unhappy or apathetic about others. I'm really hoping for a bit more clarity on things and to be able to acknowledge and express myself better. Yes, I'm doing this all to better my life, but it could also lead to big challenging changes in my life. These changes are going to affect those around me, and that's what scares me most,  upsetting other people.  

To end on a different note (purposeful pun) recently Sheldon Riley's Eurovison song "Not the same" has really resonated with me and made me feel stronger. I could always somewhat relate, and of course, I love his voice, but only recently has it really gone deep for me. I just love Eurovision so much, I get to discover so many new styles of music and artists and get all the feels! Here is their performance at the Eurovision finals, enjoy!

Stretching borrowed time

 Oh my goodness, I am so tired. Even after the long weekend I am not yet recovered from my fieldtrip.

I didn't make it to uni yesterday, I was super tired and had a headache. managed to get here today, but I have noticed the increasingly common behaviour that as soon as I park the car I need to sit in it for about half an hour just to get over the drive. I just don't have the spoons to deal with work and socialising.

I mentioned earlier this year, that I was on borrowed time, I am definitely stretching that borrowed time to the very max now. Just two more months, that's all I need to push through. Today I submitted my request for a leave of absence starting in April. The way the system works it will go until almost the end of June. Three months is more than I initially planned and wanted to take off, but considering how broken I feel most of the time, it is probably very much needed.

During that time I plan on trying to rest and recover, see a new migraine specialist, trial at least one new medication, and have a couple of short holidays away. My GP prescribed a new medication to help with my sleep and possibly my migraine, but I am yet to start it as they said it will make me extra sleepy the first few days of taking it. I certainly don't need extra sleepiness right now. I am hoping to somewhat recover a bit more from my field trip and then start taking it at the end of a working week. 

I also still need to go get my blood tests and a CT scan. I was going to get my blood tests this week but then my uterus decided to punish me for not making a baby, so I should probably wait before I get more blood removed from my body, especially considering my current exhaustion. 

On a completely different note, I am already getting excited for Eurovision! I rarely get excited for things, but Eurovision is a constant good thing in my life. I'm semi-following Norway's 'Melodi Grand Prix', Ukraine's 'Vidbir', and Lithuania's 'Eurovizja'. I have never really followed the Eurovision selection process in other countries before, but several artists I follow are competing in the aforementioned contests; Keiino, Melovin, and The Roop, respectively. 

Aw, my partner just sent me the best message regarding my taking leave: "it sucks that it has come to that", the exact acknowledgement that I need 💓