I've been journaling and I'm sick

So, I saw the psychologist the other day and they suggested I do some journalling. This I have done, and can I say just over a few days I have noticed the difference in how I am dealing with some of the particular thoughts that were plaguing me. These thoughts I did not feel comfortable posting here, they are my own. They are raw and they are expressed much better when I handwrite rather than type. My blog entries are pretty raw and unedited; however, I tend to write them in a way that is open for anyone to read. My journal entries are not for anyone. 

My journalling is generally written in the style of a letter. If I think back, it always has been. I have not really written down my thoughts though ever since my privacy was breached by someone I was dating at the time. This would have been 13 or 14 years ago now. However, that is another story which I feel no need to further talk about. 

In other news I have a cold. This is the first time I've actually had a virus since I had covid back at Christmas of 2020. I have taken today off to rest, which involves sleeping, and sitting out in the sun in the backyard with my old cat and my turtle listening to music and not doing work. 

This sickness has come at an inconvenient time of course. I have planned a field trip (all approved too), leaving this coming Saturday. Today is Monday. If I rest well and drink plenty of fluids, I should be okay as long as it doesn't develop into anything else that is. In addition to my field trip, I wanted to get my draft CoC (confirmation of candidature) into my supervisors before I go away. Right now, I am really hating writing and what I have is way too short for what it needs to be. 

Another hit? and some reflection

Well, I've just had another hit of the feel-good hormones in my brain... It's interesting how just having a conversation can do that sometimes. This time it has left a bit of a different impression on me though. 

Not quite as Spongebob-by, but still nice.

It will be interesting to see how long this hit lasts and whether it has the same effects. The previous, let's call it 'happy hit' for now, was quite noticeable for about a week, but it also carried over into a second week if I assess myself properly and compare it to this week. 

This week my mood was much more "normal" for me. I sometimes forget how 'down' my 'normal' is. Even this last week wasn't as bad as what the average 'normal' has been for me this year. 

Reflecting on this year, I have been pretty broken to be honest. How I manage to do things sometimes is beyond me. 

I have only officially taken 1 week of sick leave, however, if you look at the hours and days I actually spend 'working' on my PhD, it has to be significantly less than what is expected of a "full time" student. 

The thing is I'm not even overly behind in anything really. Yes, okay I could have a longer and more through literature review by now, but that is really the only thing that I feel is not good enough. 

Perhaps it is just because I am in a good mood right now but looking back on my year, I have still been fairly busy with my PhD, work and family. Lots of people are repeatedly telling me I don't give myself enough credit. I guess my "normal" self just refuses to accept it. I know I do all of these things, but I kind of only feel like I'm actually seeing them for what they are at this moment. 

I have also reached another level of acceptance this year in regard to suffering from migraine. In part because I understand it more, thanks Simone from Voyager for sharing a bit of your story, this encouraged me to look into it more myself. I understand more about myself and what my triggers are now because of this as well as age and experience.

Speaking of which, my head has actually started to hurt recently. I've been working in a park and now I'm at the library, so my posture probably hasn't been the best. I also had my remedial massage this morning, which sometimes when the deeper muscles have been worked on can also trigger pain.  

I've lost my focus on this entry now, and I want to finish reading a paper before I head home. I will spend the rest of my spoons on the paper and getting home. 

 

Multi-purpose Music

So these past two months I've noticed how music has been a powerful tool in helping me in times of increased emotional activity.

Firstly, when I was super stressed and on my field trip, it helped me cope and keep on functioning.

Recently, I have noticed how it's boosting my mood just that bit further when I am already in a good mood.

Looking back, I have understood the power of music for a while now, but I have now noticed something else.

In the past, I linked different types of music to how I was feeling at the time. 

For example, when I broke up with my ex the band 'Lycanthia' was very important in getting me through that night of emotion. They are classified as "Death-Doom-Metal" according to their Youtube page. 

Another example would be having a very stressful meeting during my Master's degree. I came out of the meeting feeling dumb and that everything I had done was not good enough (thankfully this was not a supervisor, just a unit coordinator). After the meeting, I went and sat in my car and listened to my favourite Eurovision song for that year, which at the time was 'Under the Ladder' by 'Melovin'. 

One more thing I noticed was how 'Linkin Park' made me feel better and appreciate what I have in my life.

And of course, music has helped me to write too. However, the genres have always been different.

Back to current times, what I have found interesting is that it is the exact same playlist that helped me through my anxiety and is also what is further boosting my mood now. This playlist is a bit of a mix, but the fact it is the same set of songs has piqued my interest. 

Has anyone else noticed the music they gravitate towards when they are experiencing different emotional? Is it the same genre or is it completely different? How does it affect you?

It's over and I'm normal again

My serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin levels are back to normal again. Normal for me that is. Which is likely lower than the "norm". I guess that's why I'm on an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor).

SSRI's stops my blood from absorbing all of the serotonin in my brain, leaving higher levels of the hormone in my brain to help relieve my anxiety and depression. 

I've been on the same meds for around 16 years now. I haven't experimented with the dosage in ages. That was done in the early years. Let's say I am on 2 now. A higher dosage of 3 did not make a difference, but a lower dose of 1 did. Not sure if hanging the dose now would make any difference, or perhaps even trying a different type of medication. Stressors increase with life, they change, but they certainly increase with the added responsibility. I just don't have the time to see a psychiatrist (that has at least a 6 month waiting period). Also, I am hesitant to potentially make things worse whilst I have so much going on. However, when will I have less going on? When I finish my PhD? perhaps, for a short period of time, but I'm sure other factors in my life will change by then. 

I can talk about it with my counsellor and psychologist, even my GP, but only a psychiatrist has the ability to change my meds if needed. The most I can do is slightly increase the dosage of the current medication and monitor myself. I would ideally consult my GP whilst doing so. 

I've been meaning to book an appointment with them for a while, but everything is so busy, and seeing mental health professionals has been prioritised. They know me better, they just cannot prescribe meds. 

My head is hurting again too. Which goes hand in hand with my mood. It is a positive feed back loop, with my head pain amplifying my low mood, and likely my low mood amplifying my head pain. But remember, this is the norm for me, so I just have to get used to it again. 

I am looking forward to seeing the psychologist again in  couple of weeks, since they were a factor in getting me out of my normal slump, I am curious to see if they alone are enough to do so again. This time I am not house sitting so, there is a significant change in my environment. 

As mentioned previously, I am very aware of the thin line existing between me percieving the relationship as more than professional. I think I first became aware of the transferance over a year ago, and have since done my own research into it to better understand it. I have only just started seeing them for myself in the past week. We had one session just the two of us I think early last year, and I did not go back to a one on one session since. I only joined in on a couple of family sessions between then and last week (which was generally fine). So I have had plenty of time to sort through what is going on in my head in regards to them. 

I like to go into most things in life knowing as much as I can, and being prepared. This trait of mine is what likely makes me hesitant about medication trials. Not just for my anxiety and depression, but also migraine. Not knowing how my body will react with different medication, and knowing there are potentially negative side effects and reactions certainly makes me question if the negatives outweigh the potential benefits.

It's strange, because overall I enjoy doing new things, but I guess most of them have little chance of being bad. Chance of being neutral is often there, which does not seem to bother me. 

I am thinking I should finish this up here, as I have not done any work in 1 hour and 15 minutes. Although this did include lunch, bathroom, and making coffee, I know I need to do more work . If I don't do any work, my state of being will lower ecen more and feed into that positive feedback loop I was talking about before. 

A good week?!

Wow, so this week has been a strange one for me. As in, I think it's been good?! What the hell is good?! It's really freaky to be honest. I've felt productive, I've woken up before 9 am and not been completely exhausted, I'm generally in a good mood. 

I've been house sitting for the past ten days, only to finish yesterday. So this has definitely lifted my mood. Let me breakdown how this is good for me:

• Being in a house by myself (happiness ++)

• Three cats, 2 of which like me, and one of those I have chosen to be my cat girlfriend many years ago <3 (happiness +, social +)

• Three chickens, one of which used to be my chicken (happiness +, social +)

• Dishwasher (happiness +, comfort +)

• Spacey kitchen (happiness +, mental health +) room to cook nice meals (happiness +, physical health +)

• heating (happiness +, physical health +, comfort +)

• desk space and monitor to work comfortably from home (mental health +, comfort +, health +)

• access to Netflix, allowing me to watch season 2 of a series I first watched in 2020 (happiness +)

• pillow that is more comfortable than my own (physical health +), this means less migraine symptoms (comfort +) - I need to buy one of these, it sort of looks like the image below.

But more has happened that has also likely influenced my mood.

I was unable to meet with my uni counsellor the other week when I was very bad. So I contacted the psychologist that my family has worked with before to see if they had time. I have met up with my counsellor just over a week ago, which kind of helped, but I have also met up with the psychologist this Monday as well. I pretty much spoke to them both about the same thing that was my last post, fairly cat focused. However, after going over it again on Monday with someone else, I have been feeling good. Lets break down why this might be the case.

• talking through my problems yet again, getting more validation and acknowledgement about my life situation
• Psychologist is private, not uni associated. The session could be about whatever I wanted with no mention of uni work if I so desired. 
• Less time to travel getting the psychologist than the uni
• They have worked with members of my family for more than 5 years at least, so they know a lot of what my life involves already
• they are male, and I always get on better with males than females
• I feel easily very comfortable with them, its like chatting with a friend 

= Psychologist (mental health ++, social +)

I know they cannot be my "friend" per say, they are a health professional and I am their client. We have similar interests as well, which also can blur the lines a little sometimes. I have been aware of this for a while and it's the reason why I was not seeing them already. I quite self-aware that I could be projecting a relationship that did not exist, so I was avoiding one on one sessions with them for a while. I brought this up on Monday too, and they totally get it. It feels good to have brought it up and have yet more feelings acknowledged and validated. 

One last thing, my supervisor is away for a month, so I feel less pressured with my PhD :)

So overall:

happiness = 9+

social = 3+

comfort = 3+

health = 7+

Now how do I keep getting these positives in my life? What happens now I am back home and the negatives are loitering just around the corner? 

I'm not going to spend too much time on those thoughts, I have the motivation to do other important things, like my PhD, so let's just ride the motivation train for now?

How I came to see the spoons in my life

Spoon theory is often used by people with chronic illness, whether it be physical or mental. These people are known to be referred to as 'spoonies'. 

I've known about spoon theory since the beginning of covid, however, I at the time I was not able to apply it to my life.  After this past week I totally understand the concept of spoon theory and can 100% apply it to my life right now.

It all started last week. Monday I had a bad migraine in the field and had to stay in the car while the others did work. I was NOT able to function at all! Luckily, I took some Rizatriptan with me and I was able to get back to work the next day. I was really looking forward to the next days we were visiting a National Park I had not yet been to, we were meeting up with some botanists, and I just enjoy being in the field.

I managed to hold myself physically together with only mild headache and related symptoms for the rest of the field trip, however, emotionally I soon reached my limit.

Tuesday night I got the message that one of my cats had escaped and not come home. I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night. I was waking up almost every hour and having to check my phone to see if he had returned home. For Wednesday's fieldwork I was wrecked. With a lack of quality sleep, in addition to my post migraine symptoms, on top of that I was barely holding it together emotionally. Even with my lack of focus I managed to work with the team to get what we needed done by lunch time. After lunch I went into the local university to pack up my lab set up.

On the way to the university, a couple of stops to breathe, and a lot of music helped me to get there. Once I was there I was able to mostly focus on packing up my gear and downloading some data. As soon as I got into the car to leave all the worry and anxiety about my cat was back. I rang my mum and my partner while I had reception to find out what was happening and it was just nice to talk rather than messaging all the time. After those phone calls I sat in the car crying and having a mini breakdown. Once I was done I treated myself with an ice-cream, and went back to the accommodation with my field team. 

Once back in the company of humans, I automatically went back into full mask mode where I appeared to be functional and not showing that I was on the edge. Thankfully, I was messaged by my home crew (mum and my partner) that they found the cat up in a tall tree. They couldn't get him to come down but I could physically feel the relief run through me. I had no more pains in my chest and no more nausea. I got to sleep a little easier that night, even though the cat was still not home safe, as at least I knew he was alive and in the area. I still woke up a couple of times after I got to sleep, and thankfully around 3 am I woke up to a "he's home" message. Afterwards, I did not wake up until the morning. 

By now it was Thursday and time to head back to Sydney, which was 8 - 10 hours drive away. Good thing I got some sleep the previous night! 

Unfortunately, it was just the eye of the storm for my emotional ordeal that week. After a few hours of the journey I get a call from mum about booking in my eldest cat in to see the vet as he was very wobbly on his feet. I try not to make too much of it for the next couple of hours, but I make sure I am not driving when the appointment was so I could hopefully speak to the vet. This particular vet and I communicate quite well. The storm starts again when the vet mentions that it may be the beginning of the end in regards to my precious eldest cat. Pretty much straight after I got off the phone, it was my turn to drive for the next 3 hours. This was probably a good thing as it gave me something to focus on rather than my cat's health. The drive went well, and we parted ways once we got to where I had parked my car. I then headed home for the final part of my journey. 

I get home. I carry a couple of things into the house, leaving my door open and the car light on, thinking I would continue to unpack the car. I went down to see my baby boy and he was not well. He was very wobbly, walking strange, and not interested in the food he was given. I could not leave his side, not even to get my bags in from the car. My partner arrived soon after, and he and my mother unpacked the car, and set up a floor bed in mum's room where my cat sleeps (I can't have him in my bedroom as he does not get on with the other cats, and it is the coldest room in the house). During this time of them helping me with basic things I broke, I completely broke. I could not do this anymore, I was exhausted. I got some sleep that night, but woke regularly to check on my cat. 

The next day my cat was showing signs of improvement. I had increased his medication, I was hand feeding him, and I was keeping him company (which he loves). He was still a bit wobbly but much better than the night before, where he looked like he had almost given up. I was able to separate myself from him for a bit over an hour to get to my remedial massage appointment, at which I was told my body is bad again. I think I then got home and took a nap with him. 

Again, that is not all, it's only Friday still. Day three. So that evening we get a knock on our door, our neighbour that I've known for about 25 years had passed. Not too surprising, he was in his 70's with chronic health problems, but still it was a bit of a shock. As he lived alone his pet bird is now at our house, although we don't really have the room for it, and did I mention the cats? A bunch of other things that were his are also at house that sister gave us, some consumables like food and toilet paper, also some blankets and towels that we are looking at donating to an animal shelter or vets. Back to Friday night, we spent a couple of hours helping his sister organise some things and then again on Saturday. 

Thankfully my cat was still improving so I could do some of the things I had planned and needed to do at university. Late Sataurday afternoon I finally had the chance to head out to the university to attend my live plant samples and set them up in the lab. Fortunately, my partner offered to drive me out to uni and keep me company while I worked. So from about 5.30 pm to 9 pm I worked. I did not get to do everything I needed to but I did what I could. 

Sunday I was dead, I needed to sleep. My cat was improving still which was great, but I still decided to sleep on mums floor to be with him. Mum's partner brought over a small air mattress for me to use, and that has very much helped with the comfort. I think it was around today that the spoon theory clicked with my situation. I had no spoons to deal with anything.

Monday I had prebooked a counselling appointment, just my regular meet up that helps me to function with my crazy life. However, that morning I got a message saying it needed to be rescheduled. Well, there goes that outlet, although I did get to stay in bed with my cat a bit longer that morning. I got to uni around 12.30 pm and did some more lab work. I left around 4.30 pm to get to a reptile society committee meeting that was thankfully in my local area. I had a pub dinner and slept on mums floor again.

Tuesday and Wednesday I got to uni at 2 pm. Both days just in time for a meeting. Then I went back to the lab again. Tuesday was my brothers birthday so we got some take out to have at home. I also messaged my brothers psychologist asking if he had some time for me this week, but unfortunately not. Wednesday, the reptile society was having a book launch so I went to that and helped out a little. Wednesday I survived of a mocha and a few snacks all day. I did not eat anything else when I finally got home, I just went to sleep on mums floor.

We are finally at Thursday, today. I got to uni around 2.30 pm, sat in my car for about an hour eating some lunch I brought from home and playing on my phone. Then I went back to the lab and finished doing some more of my work. I got home around 8 pm, heated up a frozen mac and cheese, and decided it was time to use this outlet to get out some what's been going on with me. 

My next counselling appointment is hopefully next Monday. I have also booked in with my brothers psychologist for the week after. He has seen my whole family before, and the familiarity with our situation I feel is a good reason for me to update him a little bit with what's going on. I have a lot going on that I have mentioned here, but with my life there is always more and I need to talk through it.

I have been tracking my spoons for the past few days with an app. I have come to realise it uses a spoon just for me to get up in the morning, another to get dressed and at least 2 more just to drive out to the university. There are only 12 spoons in a day and one third is used up before I even start working on my PhD. Tracking my spoons has helped me to realised how fragile I actually am right now and is helping me to acknowledge how hard it is for me to do basic things like, get dressed in the morning.

Fieldtrip but not in the field

 It's been a little while since I've posted. That doesn't mean everything is going great or that everything is going horribly, it just means I've been very busy and I haven't had the time of motivation to write here even though it can help me deal with what's going on.

I'm on a field trip right now. It's nice to be out in the field, but for me, this trip also involves going to town to the local university to work in the lab some days. Currently, I've spent more time at a university than out in the rainforest which is not the best for my mental health. When I am away from home, being out in nature is what keeps me sane and happy. At the moment it feels like I am doing the same thing I would be at home, just in a different location and without my usual support network (especially animals). I always miss my animals, but this trip is probably the first field trip where I am noticing how their absence is affecting my demeanour.

Don't get me wrong, it is nice to have a break from the usual stressors of my home life, and it's a lovely little place we are staying in (it has the same number of rooms as my house with the added bonus of a fireplace :)). The people I am on the trip with are also nice, but they are just not the same social therapy that animals provide me. Animals definitely recharge my batteries and help me to keep going, Nothofagus trees are also a good thing to help me keep going. 

Here's an example of how I am responding to the situation I am currently in:

I went to bed at 9.30pm, and I must have become unconscious by 10.30 pm at the latest as I did not see the messages my partner sent around then until this morning. I did not awaken until 8.30 am when someone came and knocked on my door. Albeit I forgot to set my phone alarms and only had my watch alarms (only vibrates), by society's standards should I really be sleeping 10 hours without disturbance straight? My body thinks so, in fact, my body would probably have stayed unconscious for at least another hour. 

So I get up and start to get ready as my trip-mates head off to the lovely rainforest I get to look forward to another day in the lab on a university campus. I enjoy having independence from my trip-mates, but I would rather be out in nature. Then, instead of heading off to uni as soon as possible to get my work done so I can go to the field tomorrow, I start to dawdle and feel really unwell. Not like nausea, just mentally bogged down, on the verge of crying (a rarity for me), with a heavy feeling in my chest, and still quite tired. No one is here, so my automatic mask of being functional is gone and I am left to my own devices. It's almost 10am now, and I will head off soon, but I needed to share how crappy I am feeling right now in the hopes that typing it out will alleviate some of the stress and general 'yuck' feelings I am experiencing.

On a good note, I am relatively headache-free right now, with only a few short attacks yesterday!